Jun 10, 2007 23:14
i started running yesterday, again. i failed the last time i tried. i managed a week of running in march, just once or twice around the block, but my ankles were so weak from wearing my boots nonstop that it hurt. i was also self-conscious and bored and angry. it was early spring. people stared. i wasn't prepared for it. i forget i live in the city. so i failed.
i am not good with food. i caught myself playing those games again. i'm not fat. i have loose skin from losing weight too fast again. it's not really evident on the outside, because i look so much healthier than i ever have. i have come a long fucking way in getting better. but the control problems have persisted. i told a few of my friends around here that i needed to take one last stand. one last sharp stab at the problem before i go to a clinic. and so i went shopping two days in a row and stocked up on dry goods and fruit and vegetables. i have been cooking real food for myself every night. i told my roommates and a few of my local friends for support. and i've started running. for real. looked up running on the internet, so i'd start healthily. and this time i'm able to run right past the staring fuckers. they're gonna stare anyway, might as well give them something to look at. i wear three bras so my boobs don't bounce, random tee shirts, and my old faded purple sweatpants that are so big on me now i have to tie the string tight. skate shoes and mismatched socks. the surprise was that this time my ankles are strong from constant flip-flop usage, and i can run a lot longer and faster than i thought. i keep reminding myself that when i was little i was the fastest in my class, and nothing felt better than running. it's like flying on your feet.
also, have been singing and dancing loudly and without warning. my friend and i started jiving in cvs today, to the utter embarrassment of her sister. also have set up music page on myspace. sigh. will keep the world posted.