happy lunar new year.
i cannot begin as i usally do. forget my rants. let's just say i feel the stress seeping from my bones like it was actual poison. i only have to remind myself to breathe half of the time. my face has stopped breaking out and i can play again. really well.
so where does this take me?
tonight i played a father daughter brownie square dance. the brownie troop had corralled all of the little girls' fathers into going to this dance. it was just me and the pianist and the caller, both old friends and mentors of mine. we laugh and eat cookies whenever we play. tonight, i played the same old tunes a little different and was rewarded. i played like i was singing my heart out the entire time. of course. the dads were initally quite akward, as they loomed over the little girls and there were no moms to be found anywhere. but lester, the caller, knows his stuff like nobody else and he had them all dancing and swinging the girls and laughing and having a great time soon enough. this is my reward. yeah, i got paid. that means i eat. but the real reward is making people laugh and making overworked, stressed out men dance all night with their six-year-old daughters. that's the shit that makes me do it again and again and again.
so where does this take me?
i am in love with someone. i have been forever. my heart has been coated in ice because love is painful, and i have been psychotic in the face of it.
i am no longer insane, simply crazy in the way of all artists/musicians/my family. the ice is gone. i am still alone. and i still love him. and it hurts like hell. go figure.
so now what?
i am typing this sentence like typing was still difficult; i'm paying attention to each key stroke like it was a note i was playing.
i am breathing. with some effort.
i have begun singing again. my voice is rusty. it cracks sometimes. otherwise, it pours out smoothly from somewhere deep in me and it's not quiet anymore.
i have been loud my entire life about all the wrong things....
the end.
**********************stuck in my head:
sweet chariot swing low and carry me beyond the gloomy clouds
sweet chariot please take me where no evil can enshroud
this simple land was blessed with trouble
everywhere i go i find
no place down here to rest my weary soul
( i love singing this song loudly at stoplights. people stare anyway.)
so where does this take me?
tonight i played a father daughter brownie square dance. the brownie troop had corralled all of the little girls' fathers into going to this dance. it was just me and the pianist and the caller, both old friends and mentors of mine. we laugh and eat cookies whenever we play. tonight, i played the same old tunes a little different and was rewarded. i played like i was singing my heart out the entire time. of course. the dads were initally quite akward, as they loomed over the little girls and there were no moms to be found anywhere. but lester, the caller, knows his stuff like nobody else and he had them all dancing and swinging the girls and laughing and having a great time soon enough. this is my reward. yeah, i got paid. that means i eat. but the real reward is making people laugh and making overworked, stressed out men dance all night with their six-year-old daughters. that's the shit that makes me do it again and again and again.
so where does this take me?
i am in love with someone. i have been forever. my heart has been coated in ice because love is painful, and i have been psychotic in the face of it.
i am no longer insane, simply crazy in the way of all artists/musicians/my family. the ice is gone. i am still alone. and i still love him. and it hurts like hell. go figure.
so now what?
i am typing this sentence like typing was still difficult; i'm paying attention to each key stroke like it was a note i was playing.
i am breathing. with some effort.
i have begun singing again. my voice is rusty. it cracks sometimes. otherwise, it pours out smoothly from somewhere deep in me and it's not quiet anymore.
i have been loud my entire life about all the wrong things....
the end.
**********************stuck in my head:
sweet chariot swing low and carry me beyond the gloomy clouds
sweet chariot please take me where no evil can enshroud
this simple land was blessed with trouble
everywhere i go i find
no place down here to rest my weary soul
( i love singing this song loudly at stoplights. people stare anyway.)