One foor in front of the other, don't look back, just look ahead.
So, it's officially been a year since Craig left me.
I can't say "we broke up"...because...we didn't. He left. He broke up with me, I guess that works as well.
But I had no choice in the matter, I had no say.
It still hurts, a year later. I'm still not over it.
I've made progress, that's for sure, and I'm proud of what I accomplished...but it still hurts and I am far from over him.
People have asked me, why don't I just go find someone new?
Well...I really don't want to. I'm not interested in dating. Having all of this happen? It really soured my want for a relationship. It shattered my trust.
And I find I'm rather content being alone.
Oh of course I still crave companionship, everyone does...but I have no issue with being single either.
I don't NEED a relationship to define me. Or to make me happy...
If there's any sort of silver lining in all of this, it's that I've grown stronger, and I know who I am and what I want in life.
I know I will never go back to relying on another person.
I will also, sadly, never trust anyone as deeply as I did Craig.
I don't know what my future holds, but I'll keep at it.
One day at a time. And maybe, one day.
I'll be ok. And I won't miss him anymore. And I won't love him anymore. He'll just be another stranger to me, another person that...should I ever see him again, won't cause my heart to plummet in my chest, and cause me to want to leave, or turn my head so nooen sees the tears that spring up.
I look forward to that day...but I take each day as I can.
I guess in the end, what really hurts...is how quickly he got over me. I know, I don't know for sure..but..it seems that he's fine.
And I'm not.
I don't know how to take that. Eight years and I really believed him to be my soulmate...and now?
I'm nothing to him. Just a stranger.
I guess...that's the biggest hurdle I need to overcome.
I just want a Christmas I don't cry at.
I'm glad at least I won't be alone for New Years. I won't even be in state. I need that. I need to get away and hang out with a good friend (Thanks Lune) who wants to see me happy.
I also get Christmas Eve too, thanks to Lizzie and Kurt in advance. It'll be nice to see them. I'll have to bring my sketchbook and doodle something for them.
Christmas day, I'll be at my mom and dad's most of the day.
But I'm sure there will be hours in between, or even moments, where I'll tear up.
I'll remember last year's Christmas and how everyone walked on eggshells around me. And the Christmas before, where...even IF we didn't have much to exchange, I still felt ecxited to wake up next to him on Christmas morning.
And I'll wait until I'm alone...and I'll let the tears flow.
I don't want to bottle them up. I can't. It isn't healthy. I need to let them go so that they can escape my body and be out of my soul.
I know I'm not perfect, neither is he. And I know nothing will ever happen again between us...but I still..when I feel that pain to the core of my soul. I still wish I could go back in time and try again. Fix the things on my part I could have...
But hind sight is 50/50 and you don't know what to fix until it's too late.
But I still worked on myself, even if he wasn't here to see anything...because I agreed on some points, and I didn't like who I'd become.
Now? I can say I like myself. I still have a ways to go, but I like who I am. Flaws and all.
I guess that's the point of a breakup. You learn and you live and you move on...even if it takes much longer for me than for him.
I can't say "we broke up"...because...we didn't. He left. He broke up with me, I guess that works as well.
But I had no choice in the matter, I had no say.
It still hurts, a year later. I'm still not over it.
I've made progress, that's for sure, and I'm proud of what I accomplished...but it still hurts and I am far from over him.
People have asked me, why don't I just go find someone new?
Well...I really don't want to. I'm not interested in dating. Having all of this happen? It really soured my want for a relationship. It shattered my trust.
And I find I'm rather content being alone.
Oh of course I still crave companionship, everyone does...but I have no issue with being single either.
I don't NEED a relationship to define me. Or to make me happy...
If there's any sort of silver lining in all of this, it's that I've grown stronger, and I know who I am and what I want in life.
I know I will never go back to relying on another person.
I will also, sadly, never trust anyone as deeply as I did Craig.
I don't know what my future holds, but I'll keep at it.
One day at a time. And maybe, one day.
I'll be ok. And I won't miss him anymore. And I won't love him anymore. He'll just be another stranger to me, another person that...should I ever see him again, won't cause my heart to plummet in my chest, and cause me to want to leave, or turn my head so nooen sees the tears that spring up.
I look forward to that day...but I take each day as I can.
I guess in the end, what really hurts...is how quickly he got over me. I know, I don't know for sure..but..it seems that he's fine.
And I'm not.
I don't know how to take that. Eight years and I really believed him to be my soulmate...and now?
I'm nothing to him. Just a stranger.
I guess...that's the biggest hurdle I need to overcome.
I just want a Christmas I don't cry at.
I'm glad at least I won't be alone for New Years. I won't even be in state. I need that. I need to get away and hang out with a good friend (Thanks Lune) who wants to see me happy.
I also get Christmas Eve too, thanks to Lizzie and Kurt in advance. It'll be nice to see them. I'll have to bring my sketchbook and doodle something for them.
Christmas day, I'll be at my mom and dad's most of the day.
But I'm sure there will be hours in between, or even moments, where I'll tear up.
I'll remember last year's Christmas and how everyone walked on eggshells around me. And the Christmas before, where...even IF we didn't have much to exchange, I still felt ecxited to wake up next to him on Christmas morning.
And I'll wait until I'm alone...and I'll let the tears flow.
I don't want to bottle them up. I can't. It isn't healthy. I need to let them go so that they can escape my body and be out of my soul.
I know I'm not perfect, neither is he. And I know nothing will ever happen again between us...but I still..when I feel that pain to the core of my soul. I still wish I could go back in time and try again. Fix the things on my part I could have...
But hind sight is 50/50 and you don't know what to fix until it's too late.
But I still worked on myself, even if he wasn't here to see anything...because I agreed on some points, and I didn't like who I'd become.
Now? I can say I like myself. I still have a ways to go, but I like who I am. Flaws and all.
I guess that's the point of a breakup. You learn and you live and you move on...even if it takes much longer for me than for him.