Happy and Sad
Yes, I'm back on the net. With my sister and my aunt moving in with me (horray!) I can afford to have the luxury of internets. But it's not all fun and games! I'm taking two weeks to prepare and then I'l open limited (until I know what I can handle) commisions. More on that soon.
I need to go to bed though, I have an MRI in the morning. Why?
My optomitrist found out I have swollen nerves in my eyes. Why is that? It's caused by extra pressure in my head. Why is THAT? I'm finding that out tomorrow. Though the word 'tumor' was uttered and I wasn't tod I WOUDN'T go blind. So I'm scared. I'm praying so hard tonight.
The worst thing is, the more I get scared I might...not live as long as I thought I would...the more I get sad that Craig doesn't want me anywhere in his life. I know if I DID find out I was dying...it'd be pointless to tell him. He'd say I was lying to try to get attention or, just continue to ignore me. 8 months and I'm still sad and hurting over it. It's fucked up that when I was basically told I MIGHT be...dying...that I thought "I wish Craig were here." not because I wanted someone to lean on...but because everything I ever regret rushed back to me. If I do die, I don't want to regret anything. I don't want to stay here. I want to move on, go to heaven, see my grandparents. I feel like I'll never get to do that somehow.
God I'm so messed up. Why do I always want guys who want nothing to do with me? I should hate him, according to my sister, famiy, some friends. But I still can't...it's like I'm incapable of hating someone anymore. I just..don't want to hate. I don't want that stain on my soul.
...I need to go to bed. I'll update tomorrow to see if I'm going to be ok...or not. Time will tell.
Pray for me, guys. Please.
Don't it always seem to go, that you don't know what you've got til it's gone?
I need to go to bed though, I have an MRI in the morning. Why?
My optomitrist found out I have swollen nerves in my eyes. Why is that? It's caused by extra pressure in my head. Why is THAT? I'm finding that out tomorrow. Though the word 'tumor' was uttered and I wasn't tod I WOUDN'T go blind. So I'm scared. I'm praying so hard tonight.
The worst thing is, the more I get scared I might...not live as long as I thought I would...the more I get sad that Craig doesn't want me anywhere in his life. I know if I DID find out I was dying...it'd be pointless to tell him. He'd say I was lying to try to get attention or, just continue to ignore me. 8 months and I'm still sad and hurting over it. It's fucked up that when I was basically told I MIGHT be...dying...that I thought "I wish Craig were here." not because I wanted someone to lean on...but because everything I ever regret rushed back to me. If I do die, I don't want to regret anything. I don't want to stay here. I want to move on, go to heaven, see my grandparents. I feel like I'll never get to do that somehow.
God I'm so messed up. Why do I always want guys who want nothing to do with me? I should hate him, according to my sister, famiy, some friends. But I still can't...it's like I'm incapable of hating someone anymore. I just..don't want to hate. I don't want that stain on my soul.
...I need to go to bed. I'll update tomorrow to see if I'm going to be ok...or not. Time will tell.
Pray for me, guys. Please.
Don't it always seem to go, that you don't know what you've got til it's gone?