(no subject)
well, few and far between lj readers, it's time i wrote a nice long entry. there's much to get off my chest.
i haven't written in a long time, mostly due to the fact that life down here didn't turn out to be the fairy tale i was anticipating. picking up my life and moving hundreds of miles away from my family and my comfortable life was a hard decision to make, and at the time i thought that i was making a well-informed, carefully thought-out decision. i thought that i had a future waiting.
turns out i was mistaken. truth is, i got a full-time job, signed a year's lease, left my family with stars in my eyes, spent 3 1/2 months here, and then got dumped. now i have a full-time job i hate, a year's lease i still need to ride out in a two bedroom apartment with my ex-boyfriend, my family and friends 4.5 hours away and one hell of an awkward situation.
you may be able to see now why i've been hesitant to write lately. mostly i feel like everyone at home is just shaking their heads saying "see, i knew this was going to happen. she should have known better". i know i shouldn't be ashamed about the mistakes i make, but i really feel stupid for this one. i feel like a complete fool, thinking i could be helpful and be the answer to the problems and change things. i feel foolish for moving my whole life down here to a place where i know no one for something that i clearly didn't completely understand. and let's face it, no one likes getting dumped. it makes me feel like a failure.
the problem is, i'm a stupid optimist at heart and as always, a hopeless romantic, so convincing myself that the best thing for me to do is move home is really difficult because there's always a little part of me that says "what if?". what if things change, what if he changes his mind, what if what if what if, maybe maybe maybe. my rational thought, on the other hand, says "dummy! move out for pete's sake!". i have never been good at letting relationships go when i'm the one who's been dumped, i think because i always end up wanting to change myself to make the other person want me back. i feel completely unwanted and unlovable and i end up resenting myself for making a stupid mistake.
again, my rational thought is screaming at me right now, that i shouldn't change myself for anyone BUT myself. fact is, i have two very different thought processes at a stalemate in my brain right now.
i hate knowing what i have to do but not wanting to do it...i know i need to remove myself, but actually getting up and having the guts to do it is a struggle. and ps--i hate being a female and being as upset as i am...it means that i gain 15 lbs just looking at food and i cry if someone looks at my cross-eyed. wtf mother nature, can we please ease up on the genetic waterworks with which i have been blessed?
again i go to sleep with my face puffy from crying, but i think i needed this entry to get my ass in gear. thanks for dealing with my whining...again.
~jem
the good news is that i always know that i can go home. it's comforting to know that.
i haven't written in a long time, mostly due to the fact that life down here didn't turn out to be the fairy tale i was anticipating. picking up my life and moving hundreds of miles away from my family and my comfortable life was a hard decision to make, and at the time i thought that i was making a well-informed, carefully thought-out decision. i thought that i had a future waiting.
turns out i was mistaken. truth is, i got a full-time job, signed a year's lease, left my family with stars in my eyes, spent 3 1/2 months here, and then got dumped. now i have a full-time job i hate, a year's lease i still need to ride out in a two bedroom apartment with my ex-boyfriend, my family and friends 4.5 hours away and one hell of an awkward situation.
you may be able to see now why i've been hesitant to write lately. mostly i feel like everyone at home is just shaking their heads saying "see, i knew this was going to happen. she should have known better". i know i shouldn't be ashamed about the mistakes i make, but i really feel stupid for this one. i feel like a complete fool, thinking i could be helpful and be the answer to the problems and change things. i feel foolish for moving my whole life down here to a place where i know no one for something that i clearly didn't completely understand. and let's face it, no one likes getting dumped. it makes me feel like a failure.
the problem is, i'm a stupid optimist at heart and as always, a hopeless romantic, so convincing myself that the best thing for me to do is move home is really difficult because there's always a little part of me that says "what if?". what if things change, what if he changes his mind, what if what if what if, maybe maybe maybe. my rational thought, on the other hand, says "dummy! move out for pete's sake!". i have never been good at letting relationships go when i'm the one who's been dumped, i think because i always end up wanting to change myself to make the other person want me back. i feel completely unwanted and unlovable and i end up resenting myself for making a stupid mistake.
again, my rational thought is screaming at me right now, that i shouldn't change myself for anyone BUT myself. fact is, i have two very different thought processes at a stalemate in my brain right now.
i hate knowing what i have to do but not wanting to do it...i know i need to remove myself, but actually getting up and having the guts to do it is a struggle. and ps--i hate being a female and being as upset as i am...it means that i gain 15 lbs just looking at food and i cry if someone looks at my cross-eyed. wtf mother nature, can we please ease up on the genetic waterworks with which i have been blessed?
again i go to sleep with my face puffy from crying, but i think i needed this entry to get my ass in gear. thanks for dealing with my whining...again.
~jem
the good news is that i always know that i can go home. it's comforting to know that.