will
So last night we had a CSF that was super amazing and fun and while we were having our secret circle, as I begin to divulge, I started to totally realize something about myself...
I was stating how I'm bad at liking people because I don't like not knowing what's gonna happen and I don't like feeling "vulnerable" and that when I like someone I start to act kind of different and weird. And then all of a sudden it clicked that the reason I start acting quiet and weird is because once I realize that I like someone and I feel vulnerable, I no longer want to open up and make myself more vulnerable so I get really shy/quiet/just start acting differently than I normally would. I thought about it a lot today and it really made me mad because I never realized that's why it was happening but I hate how that happens because then once I start acting weird then whoever I'm acting weird towards probably gets weirded out and it creates one giant awkward situation yet its totally out of my control because even though I recognize I'm acting differently, I can't change it. Ugh. So, I just have to hope that one day when it's the right person at the right time, they won't give up or get weirded out or whatever, and things will just work and fall into place. Hopefully that happens soon.
I really don't get why I'm so bad at being a girl... I hate liking people, I'm bad at it, I'm bad at flirting, I don't have the courage to initiate anything, and basically, I just suck. haha. Oh goodness.
What Adam said to me on his LJ thing that people responded to was this "Do ever feel like being selfish? You help everyone else out- or atleast, I think you're a help. I think you deserve something, or someone, really special." Which is a) one of the nicest things anyone's ever said to me, b) not all true, lol and c) it gave me hope that someone that i admire and value so much things that i deserve something good... i don't really know where that thought was going but it was really flattering to have Adam who doesn't frequently unveil his inner thoughts/feelings think that I'm nice and deserve something good. Okay whatever this thought is done, it made a lot more sense in my head... Anyway...
Despite all of these realiziations, I'm generally very happy right now. I'm very overtired at the moment, but last night was wonderful and although we definetly missed my PPP, it was almost like we hadn't been apart for an entire school year, it fell back into place and was beautiful and trusting and everything it could've been while missing one member.
This is already really long and I'm not sure what else to say... basically I'm happy, I love my friends, I'm bad at being a girl, and I wish I didn't like someone right now. SCHWWWWWIIIIIIIING.
p.s. Kristal Method made 4/6 present CSF members gag to the point of having tears in our eyes... we'll have to create something much classier this summer. hahaha. i love you girls.