ya kno wat?....ít´s bitching time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ok, so i just can´t get the fucking topic outta my head
oh btw i´m back from rome and it was pretty good although i think it´s ...better?....how it´s shown in movies and schtuff like that...i expected....more?....and yes, i realized i hadn´t informed you all of this trip and it´s a big surprise and all that shit, will detail later if i rmeember to....
back to the bitchingness.....my fucking futre......can´t stop think and rethinking it and fucking smasking my brain into smoke and smitherines(spell check?) thinking of this when it should be easy, when it should be obvious, "yes, that can happen" ..."no that´s not gunna happen"....but it´s mnot because it seems like the only fucking things i really would love to happen won´t....simple shit that most of my friends will have happen to them like at least being able to pick the fucking country your gunna go to college in and not be nagged on it.....or feel guilty about it because of financial shit when the bitch that´s been "raising" you for the last ...lifetime! .....tells you that YOU´re being a big ass egoistic asshole choosing that because THEY´d all have to move their meaning, HER who you´re fucking trying to escape from and your couldn´t-care-less little brother
so i´ve been looking back a lot on what shit´s interested me and the same thing keeps popping into my mind....it makes sense ...i seriously fucking think it does....for me to go into acting....i mean, when i was a kid i would NEVER grow tired of playing pretend games, NEVER, and with my friends i´d always make up different people to be and a different story and I always ahd a fucking blast, then in 4th and 5th i was in the school choir which was basically our elementary school drama club.....then 8th grade i fucking loved the idea of being in the school play but that went totally shit when they gave me the ONLY fucking girl part i DIDNT want and DIDnt try out for, duhr!....but i went to play practices anyway and i loved being around that atmosphere......ok, so i was in props but i loved it, seeing how everything peiced together....also as a kid i loved doing voice imitations and i was pretty good at it too, i picked up quick on accents, be it southern, french, elvis, irish, british,...whatever...and i thought it was hilarious and whenever i did them ok sure i was kinda shy but it was kewl for me to show off this "skill"....then when i got to spain and they were gunna do "romeo and juliet" they picked me out as one of the people they wanted to be in it and i was thrilled....i got the part of the prince and i loved it, saw it as a challenge, wanted play practice to start and for us to do our readings and all that and i was the only one who learned more than a paragraph in maybe the 2 months we did it....i practiced.....and they cancelled it because nobody was learning their parts and we weren´t gunna have toime to get it done....and in the yearly school dance performance things i´ve always participated and sometimes more than just the class acts, doing extra ones.....and then out of school i did a dance with carlos as well, we prepped it in 1 week!....it wasn´t great but i had no prob with it and loved it.......god, i love the fucking stage, performing´s in me, it´s like a fucking need......and also synchro was a form of performance, it was a pool instead of a stage but it had an audience and needed practice and preparation and it´s the only sport i´ve had a pasion for.......and last year we were gunna do jesuschrist superstar and when i found out i got home and watched the movie picking out parts i´d like to audition for......and one of the things i regret and think i´ve missed out the most on is the high school drama club.....and also lat year i signed up for a theatre group, an acting worksop but it got cancelled too....it´s the one thing that´s stuck through me all these years that i havent lost a love for.
so i´ve been thinking, i am tired as fucking hell of hearing my mom´s sad advice for what the hell she wants me to do when i´m older much less everyone elses, plus the fucking stress trying to keep my grades up, which sooooooooo isn´t going any better with my head trying to process all these decisions...so i really just fucking need a break, from everyone getting in my shit having to decide so quickly on where i´m gunna be in some 6 months so i want a break, i want to try a year at acting school somewhere.......i want a year to decide better about that instead of some 2 months, i have a hell of a problem with what´s gunna be paperwork seeing as dumbass moved me here and i´m GOING TO CHOOSE AMERICAN CITIZENSHIP NO MATTER WHAT SHE WANTS!!!!!!!!!.......so i need to figure out which college is right for me, how are we gunna pay it(because she def won´t get off that easy, the lazy bitch!), where´and how am i gunna live, what exactly anm i gunna study, what paperwork needs to be done, when do i have to apply, ....and a whole bunch of that type of shit.....so....i need a year for me....to say fuck off and get my head clear and work out MY future, because i don´t think ppl here get that, that it´s MY future not theirs, MINE! it´s MY life being decided, no matter what le bitch says because she may be happy rewriting her life at 40 with 2 kids near grown and widowed but i dont want anything near that for me, being a shit example for my kids and thinking i´m all that, making them feel like shitlings and mistakes in my life, no way!....i wanna start out right the first time and have a stable future before i put other people permanently into it.......
anywhooz, i want a year to clear things up and do something for me while i get MY future preprepared and started on, which i will be doing as i attend an acting school.
i wanna try acting because i´ñve always loved it and steered towards that direction, so i can take advantage of my tryout break year to see how things go in that direction....maybe things go good and i decide to postpone even longer the college thing( i wanna study to be a translator or enterpreteur btw....it´s a career option that there´s always time to study for...it´s never too late for that whereas in acting u can´t really say the same)....but either way i need to see if it´s something i can take seriously and consider as a serious career decision, like i think i can but until i´m actually in the actual truth i won´t know...strange but that´s my story and i´m sticking to it.
then there´s the where?:
option a) CFCC? or some community college in the florida area. i could movee in 1 year with the martins, my mom´d know i´d be safe, they´ve already half offered (we saw them in rome) because they´d have a free room in the new house since richie´d be gone off to the army. i´d be learning how to be independant without having to detach to quickly...i´d have someone to teach me HOW to be independant, ya know?...i think that could work out but i really can´t depend oin this option because who knows how my mom´ll react to my thinking this plan out.....or i could crash the same way at other people´s places...ricky-chan! save me!.....also i like this idea because i polish up my mediocre english, being on a stage and reciting and memorising will force me into better speaking and a more presentable vocabulary than mediocracy at college for becoming an enterpreteur...aka, i´d talk less funny....and i´d get me back on track with how the american school system works...good to know before starting college too so i´m not like scoobydoing every fucking thing that happens in class.
option b)the uk. same as befoe, polish back up my english and getting back used to having class in english. this way though i´d be more on my ownish although "closer to home" than in the us, plus i´ve always wanted to see what living in england is like so what better. my mom´s always said she´d love for me to be in england a while to catch some of the accent. bad parts, it´s a whole different english there, i dunno where i´d live, share an apartment but how?....and they have applications way early so maybe it´s too late already to apply for acting school there.
option c) in spain. good because i don´t think there´s acting school in spain so it´s the same learning to be independant thing, any prob i can get mom´s advice quick. and she won´t see me as so far away. but i won´t be glued to her either. bad thing, it´s in fucking spanish and i´m pretty damn decided on college in the us.....gotta check if there´s anyt english speaking acting schools....but even then it wouldn´t correct my mediocre english because i´m like a fucking goddess to them as far as speaking english.....also gives more power for le mom to cling me to living here permanently....GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
so i gotta wotrk on that....and i gotta decide and find a way to tell my mom and have her agree....because, well, she has to pay for it and she´s stubborn enough to say i´m wasting my fucking life and that she won´t pay for it, so err, i better start saving up....grr....
god, my future´s gunna suck if i don´t get this!!!!!
MegzB
rsvp ppls, plz!....tell me if i´m nuts or if any of this makes sense and could work.
oh btw i´m back from rome and it was pretty good although i think it´s ...better?....how it´s shown in movies and schtuff like that...i expected....more?....and yes, i realized i hadn´t informed you all of this trip and it´s a big surprise and all that shit, will detail later if i rmeember to....
back to the bitchingness.....my fucking futre......can´t stop think and rethinking it and fucking smasking my brain into smoke and smitherines(spell check?) thinking of this when it should be easy, when it should be obvious, "yes, that can happen" ..."no that´s not gunna happen"....but it´s mnot because it seems like the only fucking things i really would love to happen won´t....simple shit that most of my friends will have happen to them like at least being able to pick the fucking country your gunna go to college in and not be nagged on it.....or feel guilty about it because of financial shit when the bitch that´s been "raising" you for the last ...lifetime! .....tells you that YOU´re being a big ass egoistic asshole choosing that because THEY´d all have to move their meaning, HER who you´re fucking trying to escape from and your couldn´t-care-less little brother
so i´ve been looking back a lot on what shit´s interested me and the same thing keeps popping into my mind....it makes sense ...i seriously fucking think it does....for me to go into acting....i mean, when i was a kid i would NEVER grow tired of playing pretend games, NEVER, and with my friends i´d always make up different people to be and a different story and I always ahd a fucking blast, then in 4th and 5th i was in the school choir which was basically our elementary school drama club.....then 8th grade i fucking loved the idea of being in the school play but that went totally shit when they gave me the ONLY fucking girl part i DIDNT want and DIDnt try out for, duhr!....but i went to play practices anyway and i loved being around that atmosphere......ok, so i was in props but i loved it, seeing how everything peiced together....also as a kid i loved doing voice imitations and i was pretty good at it too, i picked up quick on accents, be it southern, french, elvis, irish, british,...whatever...and i thought it was hilarious and whenever i did them ok sure i was kinda shy but it was kewl for me to show off this "skill"....then when i got to spain and they were gunna do "romeo and juliet" they picked me out as one of the people they wanted to be in it and i was thrilled....i got the part of the prince and i loved it, saw it as a challenge, wanted play practice to start and for us to do our readings and all that and i was the only one who learned more than a paragraph in maybe the 2 months we did it....i practiced.....and they cancelled it because nobody was learning their parts and we weren´t gunna have toime to get it done....and in the yearly school dance performance things i´ve always participated and sometimes more than just the class acts, doing extra ones.....and then out of school i did a dance with carlos as well, we prepped it in 1 week!....it wasn´t great but i had no prob with it and loved it.......god, i love the fucking stage, performing´s in me, it´s like a fucking need......and also synchro was a form of performance, it was a pool instead of a stage but it had an audience and needed practice and preparation and it´s the only sport i´ve had a pasion for.......and last year we were gunna do jesuschrist superstar and when i found out i got home and watched the movie picking out parts i´d like to audition for......and one of the things i regret and think i´ve missed out the most on is the high school drama club.....and also lat year i signed up for a theatre group, an acting worksop but it got cancelled too....it´s the one thing that´s stuck through me all these years that i havent lost a love for.
so i´ve been thinking, i am tired as fucking hell of hearing my mom´s sad advice for what the hell she wants me to do when i´m older much less everyone elses, plus the fucking stress trying to keep my grades up, which sooooooooo isn´t going any better with my head trying to process all these decisions...so i really just fucking need a break, from everyone getting in my shit having to decide so quickly on where i´m gunna be in some 6 months so i want a break, i want to try a year at acting school somewhere.......i want a year to decide better about that instead of some 2 months, i have a hell of a problem with what´s gunna be paperwork seeing as dumbass moved me here and i´m GOING TO CHOOSE AMERICAN CITIZENSHIP NO MATTER WHAT SHE WANTS!!!!!!!!!.......so i need to figure out which college is right for me, how are we gunna pay it(because she def won´t get off that easy, the lazy bitch!), where´and how am i gunna live, what exactly anm i gunna study, what paperwork needs to be done, when do i have to apply, ....and a whole bunch of that type of shit.....so....i need a year for me....to say fuck off and get my head clear and work out MY future, because i don´t think ppl here get that, that it´s MY future not theirs, MINE! it´s MY life being decided, no matter what le bitch says because she may be happy rewriting her life at 40 with 2 kids near grown and widowed but i dont want anything near that for me, being a shit example for my kids and thinking i´m all that, making them feel like shitlings and mistakes in my life, no way!....i wanna start out right the first time and have a stable future before i put other people permanently into it.......
anywhooz, i want a year to clear things up and do something for me while i get MY future preprepared and started on, which i will be doing as i attend an acting school.
i wanna try acting because i´ñve always loved it and steered towards that direction, so i can take advantage of my tryout break year to see how things go in that direction....maybe things go good and i decide to postpone even longer the college thing( i wanna study to be a translator or enterpreteur btw....it´s a career option that there´s always time to study for...it´s never too late for that whereas in acting u can´t really say the same)....but either way i need to see if it´s something i can take seriously and consider as a serious career decision, like i think i can but until i´m actually in the actual truth i won´t know...strange but that´s my story and i´m sticking to it.
then there´s the where?:
option a) CFCC? or some community college in the florida area. i could movee in 1 year with the martins, my mom´d know i´d be safe, they´ve already half offered (we saw them in rome) because they´d have a free room in the new house since richie´d be gone off to the army. i´d be learning how to be independant without having to detach to quickly...i´d have someone to teach me HOW to be independant, ya know?...i think that could work out but i really can´t depend oin this option because who knows how my mom´ll react to my thinking this plan out.....or i could crash the same way at other people´s places...ricky-chan! save me!.....also i like this idea because i polish up my mediocre english, being on a stage and reciting and memorising will force me into better speaking and a more presentable vocabulary than mediocracy at college for becoming an enterpreteur...aka, i´d talk less funny....and i´d get me back on track with how the american school system works...good to know before starting college too so i´m not like scoobydoing every fucking thing that happens in class.
option b)the uk. same as befoe, polish back up my english and getting back used to having class in english. this way though i´d be more on my ownish although "closer to home" than in the us, plus i´ve always wanted to see what living in england is like so what better. my mom´s always said she´d love for me to be in england a while to catch some of the accent. bad parts, it´s a whole different english there, i dunno where i´d live, share an apartment but how?....and they have applications way early so maybe it´s too late already to apply for acting school there.
option c) in spain. good because i don´t think there´s acting school in spain so it´s the same learning to be independant thing, any prob i can get mom´s advice quick. and she won´t see me as so far away. but i won´t be glued to her either. bad thing, it´s in fucking spanish and i´m pretty damn decided on college in the us.....gotta check if there´s anyt english speaking acting schools....but even then it wouldn´t correct my mediocre english because i´m like a fucking goddess to them as far as speaking english.....also gives more power for le mom to cling me to living here permanently....GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
so i gotta wotrk on that....and i gotta decide and find a way to tell my mom and have her agree....because, well, she has to pay for it and she´s stubborn enough to say i´m wasting my fucking life and that she won´t pay for it, so err, i better start saving up....grr....
god, my future´s gunna suck if i don´t get this!!!!!
MegzB
rsvp ppls, plz!....tell me if i´m nuts or if any of this makes sense and could work.