whatever
i shouldn't even put this here, but i dont feel like really writing it down where no one can read it.. i don't know.. i don't know whats wrong with me. I just feel like i can't do anything right anymore. and no matter what i do, it never turns out the way it should. and i don't feel like i can really talk to anybody. i dont really want to talk to jonathan about anything because he's just.. he sends out the wrong signals to me all the time, and i just dont want to deal with that right now. he called me tonight just because he was thinking about me. who does that? whatever. i don't want to deal with him right now. and i know i have melissa, i just.. i don't really feel like i can talk to her about this stuff. I don't know why, either. and i don't want to hurt her feelings, because i really do love her to death. she's like.. my only real friend, besides jonathan. all the girls at work are really cool.. well.. pretty much all of them, but there's a kind of seperation between my "work friends" and my other friends. I don't know. and i feel like adam doesnt want to talk to me anymore, and i have no idea why. i mean.. i don't think im acting any diffrent than i did before. i mean.. stuff happens, it's not the end of the world. i don't want him to feel like i want anything else, because im fine with what happened. i just.. i don't get it. i feel like a lepar. once i kiss a guy or do anything, they just.. don't want to have anything to do with me anymore. i feel like shit because of it. it's making me regret everything i've ever done. and that just makes me even more sad. because now i feel like he doesn't want to even be friends anymore. i mean.. shit.. we can still hang out and drink, and just be dorks together. i just feel so alone. and it sucks. i don't know what to do about it. i want to fix it so i don't feel like this anymore. because i think my plastic smile isn't doing its job anymore.