Beautiful Demons
I find myself more contemplative than usual tonight. Thoughts fly about my head like beautiful glints of light that I can never catch and whose color I can only describe with words that will no doubt sound fantastic and flowery. I think I write to rid myself of the beautiful demons; it's an earnest attempt, to be sure, but it has yet to prove itself fruitful. Honestly, my mind, when it is not occupied with cohesive thought processes, is constantly buzzing with fragments of feelings, sentences, and stories to be sorted through and expounded upon at a later date; I often feel like my life is dipping its toes into the water of a very deep pond. My brain just never turns off. And, I don't know, sometimes this constant awareness gets a bit heavy. Sometimes, I just want the music to stop, the colors to stop flying, and the beautiful fragments to hold still. I often think that my goal in life is to make sense of all these thoughts; why do I want to become an author, after all? Is it not to reconcile these thoughts, to make purpose of their existence, to let their lives be not in vain?
I use the word "I" much too often. Perhaps it is mere self-importance.
Nonetheless, I often feel like this drive within me to write and to explore these thoughts is caused by something deep inside of me that is waiting behind a closed door. I sometimes feel that all these thoughts and their reasons could be, I don't know, explained if I just opened that door. It doesn't make sense at all. I realize this. But, I swear, everyday I feel as if I am striving for some undefined thing in the distance, for there is a yearning within me that constantly plagues me and awes me.
Perhaps this is what artists experience.
Now that we're done with that shameless self-absorption...
Today, I woke up at 4:45 A.M. and promptly reached into the darker regions of my vocabulary before starting three hours worth of homework. Lord only knows how I got to school one minute before the bell rang.
Chelsea told me all about Spamalot. Why, why haven't I seen this show? Broadway plus Monty Python equals Madison Lee. It's just that simple. It sounds like she had fun. Skyler apparently did, too, since he was singing something or other during English class. He also quoted the entire coconut scene, to which Aatifa replied, "What the heck, you dork?" and Dr. Morris replied, "Class, I don't think that you can read and talk at the same time," and followed with a stern look in the boy's direction. So, there.
The junior speeches were interesting. One was about being painfully shy (I really understood this speech as I was, at one point, very insecure), another about being a chronic and unrepentant liar (which was hilarious and disturbing at the same time), and the third about living in Isreal.
And it made me think, as he was talking about going to the movies with his friends when bombs were landing just twenty-five miles away and about spending a good deal of time in his family's bomb shelter last summer, that we all have it really, really good. We freak out when we're terrorized, but, the truth of the matter is that life is pretty good by comparison. We don't experience day-to-day fear. At least, the average American citizen does not.
Tonight, I talked with my mom about some deep stuff. I won't get into it because it's a bit private, but I would like to say that I have a really amazing mother. She is non-judgmental, helpful, passionate, listens, talks, and just knows what to say and how to say it to make me understand. I don't always like everything she says, but she is so often right and never says "I told you so".
I love her.
Toodles!
I use the word "I" much too often. Perhaps it is mere self-importance.
Nonetheless, I often feel like this drive within me to write and to explore these thoughts is caused by something deep inside of me that is waiting behind a closed door. I sometimes feel that all these thoughts and their reasons could be, I don't know, explained if I just opened that door. It doesn't make sense at all. I realize this. But, I swear, everyday I feel as if I am striving for some undefined thing in the distance, for there is a yearning within me that constantly plagues me and awes me.
Perhaps this is what artists experience.
Now that we're done with that shameless self-absorption...
Today, I woke up at 4:45 A.M. and promptly reached into the darker regions of my vocabulary before starting three hours worth of homework. Lord only knows how I got to school one minute before the bell rang.
Chelsea told me all about Spamalot. Why, why haven't I seen this show? Broadway plus Monty Python equals Madison Lee. It's just that simple. It sounds like she had fun. Skyler apparently did, too, since he was singing something or other during English class. He also quoted the entire coconut scene, to which Aatifa replied, "What the heck, you dork?" and Dr. Morris replied, "Class, I don't think that you can read and talk at the same time," and followed with a stern look in the boy's direction. So, there.
The junior speeches were interesting. One was about being painfully shy (I really understood this speech as I was, at one point, very insecure), another about being a chronic and unrepentant liar (which was hilarious and disturbing at the same time), and the third about living in Isreal.
And it made me think, as he was talking about going to the movies with his friends when bombs were landing just twenty-five miles away and about spending a good deal of time in his family's bomb shelter last summer, that we all have it really, really good. We freak out when we're terrorized, but, the truth of the matter is that life is pretty good by comparison. We don't experience day-to-day fear. At least, the average American citizen does not.
Tonight, I talked with my mom about some deep stuff. I won't get into it because it's a bit private, but I would like to say that I have a really amazing mother. She is non-judgmental, helpful, passionate, listens, talks, and just knows what to say and how to say it to make me understand. I don't always like everything she says, but she is so often right and never says "I told you so".
I love her.
Toodles!