(no subject)
Motherfucking 730. I usually get up this early these days but am not pressed to get ready. I have clinic today and Im not sure what time I should catch the bus so ill probably leave early, which means everything has to happen early. Fuck early.
I've been having trouble lately accepting my PFT numbers, they scare me and I realize now that when shit gets too close to the edge I tend to start to self destruct. My rationalization goes to fuck it all anyway. My anger kicks in, I like anger better than sadness. Don't they say something about anger being sadness turned inside out?
Something like that.
I think of Aven. Fuck I just wanna be around to teach him to tie his shoes but when I think of my number and look at my naked body in the mirror I slip into tears. I'm starting to wonder if having him left my body a lot weaker when it comes to fighting off infections and bouncing back. I wouldn't ever change having him, it was worth it all but I want my motherfucking cake and I wanna eat that shit too.
I've made a new rule for myself, I only allow 5 minutes of self pity and then it's on to continue whatever it was I was doing. 5 minutes meg.
Chin up bitch, chin up.