Overworked & Underappreciated
I had a dream about my mom this past week. I was at my dad's house with Audrey but I had to go to work and I had to take Audrey to daycare. My dad was distraught and was saying he was worried that my mom was over-exerting herself. I asked him where she was and he said she wanted to walk for five miles this morning. Then he asked me to go find her and bring her home. So I left his house and drove around the corner from my dad's little gated community and saw Mom walking down the street in an all purple and black jumpsuit. She looked good and fit for her. I asked her where she was going and she assured me that she was heading back home really soon and to not worry about her. I told her to just get in the car so I could take her home and she agreed. While she was in the car she explained that she needed to go for her 5 mile walk so she could fit into some shoes she wanted to wear to the Pomona Hope gala. She went on and on about needing to fit into her shoes.
..................
So... what does it all mean? I dunno. I've been walking a lot and I talked to one of my friends recently about her new shoes and the Pomona Hope Gala really is coming up soon. So Mom just showed up in my subconscious thought processing....
I've been feeling really angry lately. Not necessarily about loosing Mom but I just get really emotional when things aren't going my way. Like when people I hardly know say things that just rub me the wrong way. An example: In my Master's Class, I went on a tangent with a girl I've only seen twice in my life (this class meets every other week) but I know she's still a college student, working on her credential and doing her student teaching in Chino Hills. So she asks me what type of project I plan to do for the Master's program and I talk about focusing on strategies for preparing 3rd graders for the SBAC test (online CCSS computer adaptive test). When I tell her I want to focus on 3rd grade due to their low test scores, she scoffs at "HOW AWFUL" those test scores are and proceeds to tell me that her district had 98% proficiency. (B. S.) I don't have time to respond verbally because this was a tangent conversation and the lecture was continuing. So my response was really deep anger. I stew over these types of conversations until I'm all worked up. It's weird... I feel like I usually respond by feeling insecure or sad when people say things that don't sit well with me. Or I even second guess myself and question my opinions or thoughts. I don't usually resort to anger. Full blown rage where I'm grinding my teeth as I'm driving home.... And then I realize I'm stewing over the most inconsequential thing. (Seriously WHO CARES what a credential student has to say about my project? She doesn't know my school, my students, my demographic...)
Work and school, school and work, schoolwork, workschool, has been consuming me lately. I do have so many projects I am working on this year and all of them require so much of my time and energy. I guess I got pissed because I'm already invested, both personally and emotionally, in the project I was sharing about. I don't want my time wasted. If I'm invested in something, it better be worth it. But my moods come home with me.... and I lash out at my family because I am feeling overworked and underappreciated. But that's just a feeling. I know it's not 100% true. I'm just tired. All my free time is dedicated to these projects or homework. And when I'm not using my time for that, I'm investing in my marriage by spending time with Jeff, or investing in my relationship with my daughter by playing with her, reading to her, bathing, clothing, feeding her. Or I'm waking up way too early to ride my stationary bike or go for a morning walk so that I can keep my exercise regimen up. It's after 11pm right now... I just finished the homework I wanted to get done tonight. I'm venting at this journal because my mind is racing with all these thoughts. This is how I chose to spend my time.
Time... keeps on slipping.... slipping........... slipping...............................
And I miss my mom.
..................
So... what does it all mean? I dunno. I've been walking a lot and I talked to one of my friends recently about her new shoes and the Pomona Hope Gala really is coming up soon. So Mom just showed up in my subconscious thought processing....
I've been feeling really angry lately. Not necessarily about loosing Mom but I just get really emotional when things aren't going my way. Like when people I hardly know say things that just rub me the wrong way. An example: In my Master's Class, I went on a tangent with a girl I've only seen twice in my life (this class meets every other week) but I know she's still a college student, working on her credential and doing her student teaching in Chino Hills. So she asks me what type of project I plan to do for the Master's program and I talk about focusing on strategies for preparing 3rd graders for the SBAC test (online CCSS computer adaptive test). When I tell her I want to focus on 3rd grade due to their low test scores, she scoffs at "HOW AWFUL" those test scores are and proceeds to tell me that her district had 98% proficiency. (B. S.) I don't have time to respond verbally because this was a tangent conversation and the lecture was continuing. So my response was really deep anger. I stew over these types of conversations until I'm all worked up. It's weird... I feel like I usually respond by feeling insecure or sad when people say things that don't sit well with me. Or I even second guess myself and question my opinions or thoughts. I don't usually resort to anger. Full blown rage where I'm grinding my teeth as I'm driving home.... And then I realize I'm stewing over the most inconsequential thing. (Seriously WHO CARES what a credential student has to say about my project? She doesn't know my school, my students, my demographic...)
Work and school, school and work, schoolwork, workschool, has been consuming me lately. I do have so many projects I am working on this year and all of them require so much of my time and energy. I guess I got pissed because I'm already invested, both personally and emotionally, in the project I was sharing about. I don't want my time wasted. If I'm invested in something, it better be worth it. But my moods come home with me.... and I lash out at my family because I am feeling overworked and underappreciated. But that's just a feeling. I know it's not 100% true. I'm just tired. All my free time is dedicated to these projects or homework. And when I'm not using my time for that, I'm investing in my marriage by spending time with Jeff, or investing in my relationship with my daughter by playing with her, reading to her, bathing, clothing, feeding her. Or I'm waking up way too early to ride my stationary bike or go for a morning walk so that I can keep my exercise regimen up. It's after 11pm right now... I just finished the homework I wanted to get done tonight. I'm venting at this journal because my mind is racing with all these thoughts. This is how I chose to spend my time.
Time... keeps on slipping.... slipping........... slipping...............................
And I miss my mom.