Suicide
This is an odd post for someone who hasn't said anything here in months, but I felt I need to say something somewhere.
I recently came across suicide being discussed online. It was part of a chain of comments about addiction sparked from Corey Haim's death. I will say nothing about addiction, something I have never personally experienced anyway, because it would be in poor taste and timing.
Suicide is an interesting subject for me. I used to think "good riddance" to those who killed themselves because they had committed the most selfish act imaginable. It took a very dramatic turn in my life to change my mind.
Many people who commit suicide are truly not in their right minds. And if one is truly not in their right mind, not just a little depressed, if they are truly chemically out of their mind, there is no escape in their eyes and all there is is pain. Been there. Other people? Just distant voices. I couldn't find meaning in them or believability or comfort because somehow it just didn't see real. I just felt trapped. I felt unbearable pain and the only escape seemed death. Life didn't seem to be a choice and control of my actions seemed almost impossible. I was watching the movie of my life but not in the director's chair. If you knew me then but weren't too close to me, then I didn't chase you away like I did the unlucky few to try to support me and maybe you saw a front or you sensed something was off balance. You probably didn't see me curled up in a ball in bed unable to get out and face the day because I could imagine nothing but death. I plotted my own death. I didn't tell my therapist because the minute you say you have a plan they take strong measures and I saw being committed as worse than death. Luckily I had a moment of clarity, a very brief moment of clarity, just enough to get me to seek the extra help I needed. Not everyone gets that moment of clarity.
Some people commit suicide out of a bad situation in life. Many commit suicide because of a bad combination of a mental health disorder and bad times in life. There is a reason that mental health disorders have death rates. The disorder can magnify anything and make it seem a 100 times worse than it actually is. Sometimes the bad feelings seem to come from nowhere at all. For me, those were the worst. That feeling of unbearable misery when everything should be fine. The lack of functionality and control could be signs of something serious going on and it's not something to be judged or taken lightly.
Thanks to the support of a few people who stuck by me when they should have run away to save themselves from the destruction that I brought, the proper medical attention and a lot of work on my part I am here today. The reality is that I will probably always need professionals to go to and I will always have to monitor myself for any changes and seek help from wherever I need it before I make a turn for the worse, but the fact is I'm here and I'm living a full and happy life again.
I recently came across suicide being discussed online. It was part of a chain of comments about addiction sparked from Corey Haim's death. I will say nothing about addiction, something I have never personally experienced anyway, because it would be in poor taste and timing.
Suicide is an interesting subject for me. I used to think "good riddance" to those who killed themselves because they had committed the most selfish act imaginable. It took a very dramatic turn in my life to change my mind.
Many people who commit suicide are truly not in their right minds. And if one is truly not in their right mind, not just a little depressed, if they are truly chemically out of their mind, there is no escape in their eyes and all there is is pain. Been there. Other people? Just distant voices. I couldn't find meaning in them or believability or comfort because somehow it just didn't see real. I just felt trapped. I felt unbearable pain and the only escape seemed death. Life didn't seem to be a choice and control of my actions seemed almost impossible. I was watching the movie of my life but not in the director's chair. If you knew me then but weren't too close to me, then I didn't chase you away like I did the unlucky few to try to support me and maybe you saw a front or you sensed something was off balance. You probably didn't see me curled up in a ball in bed unable to get out and face the day because I could imagine nothing but death. I plotted my own death. I didn't tell my therapist because the minute you say you have a plan they take strong measures and I saw being committed as worse than death. Luckily I had a moment of clarity, a very brief moment of clarity, just enough to get me to seek the extra help I needed. Not everyone gets that moment of clarity.
Some people commit suicide out of a bad situation in life. Many commit suicide because of a bad combination of a mental health disorder and bad times in life. There is a reason that mental health disorders have death rates. The disorder can magnify anything and make it seem a 100 times worse than it actually is. Sometimes the bad feelings seem to come from nowhere at all. For me, those were the worst. That feeling of unbearable misery when everything should be fine. The lack of functionality and control could be signs of something serious going on and it's not something to be judged or taken lightly.
Thanks to the support of a few people who stuck by me when they should have run away to save themselves from the destruction that I brought, the proper medical attention and a lot of work on my part I am here today. The reality is that I will probably always need professionals to go to and I will always have to monitor myself for any changes and seek help from wherever I need it before I make a turn for the worse, but the fact is I'm here and I'm living a full and happy life again.