woot
going to be 20 years old in 8 days. woah. the madness of it all. anyway happy 2005 I guess. I love how when I'm home I have no desire to update. I'm so glad I'm here. and dreading going back to school. god I hate that place. having a birthday soiree on the 8th for "adults" so that should be fun. not much to tell about life. I wish I could just stay home forever and not do anything with my life. I think my lack of motivation stems from my hatred of life. like...I know I shouldn't complain and I should be all fucking cheery and ignore my diseases (well not ignore them, but not let them keep me down) yet for some reason they make me feel like I might as well not breathe. because its like...wow you have all these diseases and your life is pretty much going to suck FOREVER. and my sister told me that mom told her once that I probably wouldn't live past 30. THIRTY. thats the way to make me feel good. and whats the point of having goals and dreams in life if you're all diseased and can't reach them, nor will you be able to enjoy them because of all the stupid pain you are in all the damn time? and I also feel like I've been robbed of the one thing I did have...my looks. I used to be so pretty. we watched old tapes of shows and I see pictures of myself here and I was pretty. and skinny. and no matter how much weight I lose I won't look the same. I look OLD and worn out. and my hair is the worst...it used to grow so fast and be so thick and now I'm freaking going bald. I know I should be thankful for everything I have and I know I should be grateful I don't have AIDS or anything nearly as bad as that. but I'm really sick of being sick. I just want to go back to who I was, someone people could look at and not pity or wonder what happened to me. I used to be attractive. now I'm fat, ugly, sick looking and miserable. I can't sing anymore...I sound like crap. I obviously can't dance...I can barely move without wincing or hobbling around because it hurts. I AM SO GOD DAMN TIRED OF TRYING TO LIVE. well. I guess I've done enough ranting. guess I'll go sit with my dog (who, just like everyone else, doesn't really like me anymore). oh well. have a nice night, lj land people.