Regret, refrain...

[megiddo]

I have tomorrow off and I feel guilty about it. Actually, I don't know that it's guilt. It's almost like the prospect of being alone in the house is getting to me more than I thought it would. Extreme silence or stillness seems to petrify me anymore. Is there a proper name for this phobia? Fear of stillness. Everything I say seems to contradict something I've already said. It's not really a fear of stillness. I just hate it. This house never used to be still. It didn't matter what time of day it was, someone was here. Someone was up doing something. That's no longer true. The downstairs gets closed off like some sort of abandoned museum wing at about 11:00 PM as Pops and I retreat to our rooms. This all stems from Mom, of course. Before, I could've went downstairs at 2:00 AM and Mom would be up watching Family Guy or Futurama or City Confidential and we'd watch together. I miss that. Since she's been gone, I haven't watched any of the shows her and I used to watch together. Family Guy, Futurama, Golden Girls, The Simpsons, King of the Hill, City Confidential, American Justice, and the list goes on. It's not that I think I couldn't handle it; I just don't have the inclination to do so. Those shows, along with the two of us, created an environment, a memory, that's very dear to me. It just wouldn't be the same without her here. Bleh. I'm sorry for this sudden downpour of gloominess. It's just that I went to visit her Thursday night after my aunt and uncle had purchased one of those solar lights for the grave. A real soft, soothing blue. Something that would have a calming effect in any other location. I just sat down on the ground beside my car and cried like someone had cut off my leg. I have my bad moments, that's to be assumed, but I haven't cried much at all since I returned back to work in July. Sure, there have been occasions [her birthday, for example], but any sadness I've felt has rarely lead to tears. I guess I'm just tired of people telling me that it's going to get better with time, because so far as I can see, it doesn't. Maybe when people say "time", they're speaking more along the lines of years, not months. I asked Pops if he thought we did the right thing by taking her off support. Well, I really asked him if he thought we did right by Mom. I could give two shits about anyone else and what their views on this are-- the only opinions I wanted were that of Pops and, through him, Mom. He told me that from the moment the neurologist told him that there were no signs of life, that she was, clinically-speaking, already dead that he had absolutely no hesitation whatsoever. Apparently this was a subject he and Mom had talked about in some detail. She didn't want to be a burden, or to be watched over constantly. This, to be removed from support after professional opinions were given, was her wish. That gave me quite a bit of relief. I've been carrying this guilt around for four months because I didn't quite know how to broach the subject with Pops. For once in my life, I'm absolutely sure I did right by my mother. I'm not trying to say that I was a bad son or that she had incredibly high expectations of me. I just always felt as though there was more I could've done [in life, mind you]. At least I know now that in death her wishes have been fulfilled. That helps with closure. Then again, I'm not sure I'm ready for closure, yet. Seeing that light on her grave made my heart break. I mean, there's a finality to decorations and flowers. People don't pay their respects to unused graves. See, I told you, didn't I? I say one thing and then I say something else to completely contradict it. That's how my mind has been working for the past few months. I guess I can't really call it indecisiveness because I am, in fact, making decisions. Maybe I suffer from overdecisiveness? Making too many decisions, looking at too many angles. Christ, I make no fucking sense, do I?

I'm not even really sure why I made this post. I guess I just needed to release some of this to someone other than Pops and something other than a softly-lit grave.

And maybe I just wanted to tell you good folks that if I happen to say something and then say something almost entirely opposite of the first statement, please don't mind me. A right good many of you people knew me before this happened and you know that this isn't a new thing for me-- it's just amplified.

I hope you're all doing famously. I love you.