self confidence must only be for the perfect..........
The past couple of days I have been so extremely lonley and depressed. I am having some serious self confidence issues.
1. I can't stand my body
2. I feel stupid(like certain basics in education and so forth that take me so long to grasp if even, make me feel slightly retarded)
3. I have no companionship( and the above things are proof that it will probably stay that way.)
I am just going through a lot of different insecurities and I guess they are starting to really take their toll on me. I feel eaten alive by them.
will this ever stop. I know it's not true but sometimes I wonder why I am even taking up space on this planet. If my exsistence is even worth anything it should be down in the dirt with the worms. I know I sound pathetic right now but it's how I have been feeling. When I see my peers who have their life together, it just tears me apart....why couldn't I do that? why can't I be smart like them and skinny like them? I'm nineteen years old, I just wanna be youthful and happy feeling with a million things to do and people to see like everyone else.
I feel like for some odd reason I warped my mind and now all I can do is feel bad about myself. I know deep down I am a good person but I just want that to come through. I just want to be back to my happy normal self and go on living life to the fullest. If anyone read my journal a few entries back about my "mid-mid life crisis", I'm still going through that, it's just now revolving more into a deepset depression. I just wanna be me and feel good about being me.
I guess you just reach a certain point where you give up and don't even want to try or put forth the effort and struggle to change your ways that you know would be good for you, I think that's what depression is.
And as I sit here, with a salty taste in my mouth from my tears and I'm typing away, I realize right now, I am afraid of myself. And that is honestly one of the worst things I could possibly say. Please god let that change.
1. I can't stand my body
2. I feel stupid(like certain basics in education and so forth that take me so long to grasp if even, make me feel slightly retarded)
3. I have no companionship( and the above things are proof that it will probably stay that way.)
I am just going through a lot of different insecurities and I guess they are starting to really take their toll on me. I feel eaten alive by them.
will this ever stop. I know it's not true but sometimes I wonder why I am even taking up space on this planet. If my exsistence is even worth anything it should be down in the dirt with the worms. I know I sound pathetic right now but it's how I have been feeling. When I see my peers who have their life together, it just tears me apart....why couldn't I do that? why can't I be smart like them and skinny like them? I'm nineteen years old, I just wanna be youthful and happy feeling with a million things to do and people to see like everyone else.
I feel like for some odd reason I warped my mind and now all I can do is feel bad about myself. I know deep down I am a good person but I just want that to come through. I just want to be back to my happy normal self and go on living life to the fullest. If anyone read my journal a few entries back about my "mid-mid life crisis", I'm still going through that, it's just now revolving more into a deepset depression. I just wanna be me and feel good about being me.
I guess you just reach a certain point where you give up and don't even want to try or put forth the effort and struggle to change your ways that you know would be good for you, I think that's what depression is.
And as I sit here, with a salty taste in my mouth from my tears and I'm typing away, I realize right now, I am afraid of myself. And that is honestly one of the worst things I could possibly say. Please god let that change.