Me.
I read stuff my mom wrote when Shauna died in my baby book today. I haven't cried that hard in a long time. I miss talking to Aaron. I'm afraid to initiate conversation with him because I'm afraid he doesn't want to talk to me. And whenever I IM him, whether he messaged me first or not, I hardly get a respond. And seeing as I never knew what he was thinking when we were together, I'm certainly not going to know what he's thinking now. But I bet he wants nothing to do with me, and who can blame him? Although this was a mutual break up, the fact that I'm now dating a close friend of his doesn't stand well with certain people (because of Aaron). I don't know if he knows, and if he does, I doubt he cares -- just glad to be away. I was just more okay with us ending because I thought things would be fine. I've been over there once since we broke up to hang out - I went with the guys from the floor. I went with John. And it wasn't weird for me, in fact, I was excited. I missed and still do miss Jon, Brad and JP, Kristina, Rambo (Even though I see her from time to time on the floor) and Tammy, and Brian and Justin and them. All of them. But Mark reamed me in front of everyone in open lab about going over there (with John) and making Aaron feel awkward. So, I don't know what his deal is, but I just figured things would be normal. But I will never know with him. Maybe things will be better next year. John. I can't describe what I have with him because the truth is: I don't know what I have with him. I know what we call it, but that doesn't mean that's how we feel it. Or I feel it. What I'm really trying to say is this: We just tell everyone "We're having fun" but we act like we're in a serious relationship. I'm very aware to how confusing we must seem; how crazy we must look. I'm so happy when I'm around him. He makes me smile. He makes me feel good about myself. I really like him. There, I said it. (Edit: Some people don't think that I actually have feelings for the people I date.) Before I continue, know this: What I have, or the lack thereof, with John has been the most stable relationship type deal of my life. TC and I were so bad together. I wanted more with Aaron than he was ready for and willing to give. No one else (ex wise) matters. Sorry if you're a no one else. With John, we're just having a perfect time. No doubt about it. We could keep this going for as long as we both chose to. We have our fates in our hands. And I have no idea what he thinks, and I probably won't. I'm not going to risk losing what I have, because I honest to God love it. To make matters worse, the floor was on our asses about it for a little bit, so I just said "I don't know" to whatever they asked. I guess I'll find out in due time what's going to happen. Summer is soon. He'll either be in EL or Holland. I'll be in HP. Where my stalkers are. Sorry if you're a stalker. I'll be very upset whatever happens in respect to us ending. Our affair we have going on. I'm just not gonna worry about it though. No worries. I can't put into words the time when we're alone, and I know I've said this before, but I mean it more than ever with him: We're just good together. I think so. And thanks to Stephanie Fracalossi, or "What's her face," he's never going to want a relationship ever again, so atleast the extent of what we have is amazing. What can you do? Time is my best friend and my enemy here. We'll see. I'm mad at myself. I missed so much class last week. I went to one day of classes last week. And then I went to a test on a different day, and that's it. I was so tired all week. And it's so hard to leave John's bed when I stay with him, although when I'm awake enough, I can. I've just felt so sick. Hence the reason I'm home, besides the fact that everyone else is. Apparently, Sara fell and hurt herself and went to the hospital. I hope she's alright and free of a MIP like last time. I miss Stevie. I was hoping to talk to her online. I'd have called her but my dad flips about the bill. If I go home again next weekend, I'll see her. I should and look for a job, since Red Oaks fell through. Probably better that way. Well technically, I can work at Papa Joes. I'd want to work sandwiches though. Oh God, what if I do that and Jeff works there too? Christ! Too bad I've had better sex since him. Gotta appreciate a good one night stand. I wrote that because I'm almost positive that the only person who will have read that is Stevie. Apparently, according to the 8 people I've talked to from high school this weekend, I'm something. Andrew doesn't count as high school because he's in college with me. He ascends that "I hate anything to do with HP" line. Sorry if you're from HP and not in college. Heh, sorry if you're from HP. Anyways, I'm sorry to anyone who has read this whose friends page I've raped. I'm not sorry if you haven't read this, but you won't know that since you're not reading this. I'm not using a cut because I never intended on typing for 2 hours. Yes, it's 4 AM. And since I didn't plan on it, I did not click the rich text button. So get over it. Or Stevie, I love you, you're beautiful, your boyfriend is crazy about you, and I'm so happy for you. Hi Ryan. I love you too. I knew the beginning that you'd read this too, just wanted to fool you! Sorry if you're not Stevie or Ryan. You should be sorry if you're not Stevie or Ryan. Tomorrow is supposed to be real warm. Good thing I just spent more of the tax return money I owe my mom and dad on summer clothes! I'm going to attempt to go to sleep now. I want to be awake for when I get back to school. I miss John. Yeah, I know.