... we met when we was young; two hearts that beat as one..

[meggy]

omfg... omari, you are a fucking flash god~ [ check out his chuchu/soad flash videonik, out of the blue did a -wonderful- pic of mrlkitty for me. he's so nice to me... i really wanna do something in return for him because he's been so nice to me, and he also did a -gorgeous- pic of meg a long time ago

Comments

[marie_novelle]

I'm reading your older journal entries to get a better idea of the current situation between you and Jared and I saw this entry.

"so, that went fine for a while. then, it all started falling apart when the spc kiss doll contest was being run. that's when my feud with leota, pzario and genma started. it officially started with leota. i thanked her for her submission to the contest, and all hell broke loose [ of course, it was viewed as -my- fault, when in actuality, if leota didn't have such a bad fucking attitude and had the ability to admit that she did something wrong, things would have went better ]. she started acting rude to me, and i got sick of it. when she opened a whiteboard, her brother took what i had drawn and made fun of it. of course, he was allowed to do this, and i wasn't allowed to get upset about it. i ended up banned, while genma was allowed to continue making fun of me and my art. later on, i announced my departure from the community on their message board."

What exactly did I do wrong in your eyes? I know what I did wrong and I've apologized for it but I'd like to know what you thought I did wrong. Maybe I've overlooked something.

As far as I remember of the KiSS contest, I had a problem with it not being judged fairly because of a lack of a known set of criteria. There were so many entries and only a few judges and no way of knowing whether or not it would be judged based on favoritism. I was concerned and talked about it with Pzario. I don't remember how we managed to implement the new criteria (it might've been because Pzario and Vi were working together to make the final KiSS set) but I remember that I removed my own entries from the contest after helping to set up the criteria.

What do you mean by it being viewed as your fault? What is "it" that you're referring to and viewed by who?

I'll admit that the whiteboard and bored room incidents were dumb. Other people were insulted there (I anonymously called Tigriss "Vi's whore") so it wasn't just you. I e-mailed you about it but that never worked out and neither did instant messaging.

Pzario didn't start up that Geocities page. I did. I found some of his old screen caps at the Internet Archive and decided to make a page with them. It's no longer a page for SPC screen caps though, as you can see. Hasn't been that way for over a year now. I replaced it with a flyer that we made for the Christian Anime Alliance.

[marie_novelle]

BTW, not like it makes a difference but it wasn't Genma who commented on your picture at the whiteboard. It was me and Pzario. You put some text on it which read something like "who needs a tablet?" and when Pzario and I saw your picture, he said "you do". You asked a question so he gave an answer. Now, at the time, I thought it was funny because the picture didn't look that impressive and the question came off as overly arrogant and boastful for one little picture, as if you drew the picture for attention. I don't remember anyone else continuing to make fun of you there after that but I do remember Genma posting as "Horario" at the bored room which, at the time, I also thought was funny for reasons you wouldn't understand. If you've ever been a regular at the original IRC channel, it had the same carefree attitude. None of that justified my actions however. I'm sorry for hurting you and for allowing others to hurt you. Can you forgive me?

mya~

[meggy]

personally, i don't think it's boastful to be proud of something you've done. at that time, i had a lot of pride for my artwork. i only wish i could be the same way. in my mind, the whiteboard picture in question was impressive to me. i'm sure that if i took a look at it, i'd cringe for finding it impressive at -any- time. such is the evolution of an artist. regardless, that did not give YOU the right to say mean things about it, and then ban me because i launch one light-hearted counterattack. essentially, what that told me was that you had every right to insult me, and i didn't have any right to defend myself.

just because i ask a question does NOT give you the right to give such a hurtful answer. not only did you answer with, "you do." you also answered with, "and drawing lessions." did we conveniently forget that? the only reason you didn't continue to make fun of me was because i didn't give you any more to make fun of me with, BECAUSE -I- WAS BANNED, remember? i'm sure that if you hadn't've banned me, you would have critisized me into leaving on my own. at the time, you saw nothing wrong in your actions, and that's another thing that upsets me about the whole thing.

i don't know where you got the insane notion that the picture was drawn for attention, because it wasn't. it was drawn for the hell of it, just like a lot of other art drawn there. as far as i can remember, after that kiss contest, nothing that involved you was ever carefree.
-Meg

Re: mya~

[marie_novelle]

Actually, it took me awhile to remember anything at all what was said since it was a long time ago. I told you that it wasn't me who said those things. It was Pzario who thought of the comment. I just agreed with him and let him make the edit because I thought it was funny. If you have a problem with the comment itself, then you should talk to Pzario.

Back then, my impression of you was that you were someone doing things for attention. I'm not the only person who thought this way.

I don't remember why I banned you. I guess it was because I could? It was my whiteboard, after all. But like I said, my actions were wrong. I already admitted that to you. So do you forgive me?

What's that last part supposed to mean? Maybe you misunderstood what I said.

mya

[meggy]

regardless of who did it, you let it happen. you're just as accountable for what happened as the person who did it, and you only reinforced it by banning ME. after all, it was your board. you had administrative control, and you allowed the abuse to happen. did all that power get to your head? did my anger amuse you?

yes, i certainly think so, and personally, your actions disgust me.

you don't fucking know me. you don't really have any real right to assume my intentions, and then judge and punish me, accordingly. personally, for someone who's abused people for their own amusement, allowed it to happen to others, and saw no wrong with at, at the time, i have no forgiveness.

the reason i say that nothing after the kiss contest that involved you was carefree, because i felt that i had to watch what i said around you. i just wasn't free to have fun around you without having it turned against me. i hope you're happy with that. i know i sure wasn't.

Re: mya

[marie_novelle]

I did say it was both me and Pzario and not Genma who were responsible for that whiteboard comment and I also said that it doesn't make a difference meaning that what mattered was the fact that you did get hurt so now all I can do is ask if you would forgive me for hurting you. Can you?

As for the slanderous things you typed in that reply, I won't address them for now. But I will say it's hypocritical for you to say all those things about me while also saying how I can't possibly know you.

mya~

[meggy]

... and i did say that i didn't care who said it. just the fact that it was said, and i was the one punished because of it.
"personally, for someone who's abused people for their own amusement, allowed it to happen to others, and saw no wrong with at, at the time, i have no forgiveness."

this topic is no longer open for discussion. any further comments will result in a ban.
-Meggy

mya~

[meggy]

i coulda sworn that i already posted this. good thing i always leave most of my responces in a notepad document.

i remember having a point for "viewed as my fault" comment, but it's been so long since i wrote that journal entry that it's hard to know where i was going with it. perhaps, i was just rambling. i do that, sometimes. i'm sure you know this, already.

from what i can remember about the situation, like i mentioned, things took a turn for the worse when you and pza decided to take over/ help out with the contest. you, yourself, i can remember being pushy and rude. i remember thanking you for your submission on your message board, and you got right nasty about it. things were never the same since then.

it was hard to know who else you abused at the whiteboard. i got banned, remember? who cares if -you- saw the happenings in that board as dumb... YOU had more control over it than most, so you could abuse users, as you pleased. it's easier to call it dumb when you weren't subject to any of the abuse. it mattered to me, and it was that incident that left me the most bitter. i've already explained why.
-Meg

Re: mya~

[marie_novelle]

Hah. I do the Notepad thing, too. It helps me keep track of what's been said.

Well, I don't remember being pushy or rude about anything. Persistent maybe, but not pushy or rude.

I have no idea why things went bad after that contest. As I remember, I e-mailed my entry to you and you thanked me in e-mail for it and then later, I realized that the contest probably wasn't going to be judged fairly. That's when I decided to take action and come up with a proper judging system. The other people involved didn't have a problem with it and in the end, the contest was judged fairly through the use of that criteria. I didn't actally have any direct problems with you or anything so it was weird when you announced at the bored room that you were leaving the so-called SPC community. It made no sense at all to me. I tried e-mailing you about it but like I said, that didn't work out.

When I said that those incidents at the bored room and whiteboard were dumb, I meant that there was stupidity going on all around. I understand that since I was the administrator and moderator for both areas, I could have done things differently but I was a different person then compared to how I am now, so it's useless to say it could have been this or it could have been that. The fact is that it went the way it did and there's no changing what happened. All I can do now is ask for your forgiveness and hope that you accept it.

mya~

[meggy]

after what happened, i honestly don't feel i can trust you enough to accept your apology. you can sit there and write novels about how much you've changed, but i don't know you well enough to know whether or not i can actually trust you.
-Meggy

Re: mya~

[marie_novelle]

If I reply to this, does this mean I'm banned?

mya~

[meggy]

you're really beginning to test my patience. what i meant was that further discussion about this topic at-hand will result in a ban.
-Meggy

Re: mya~

[marie_novelle]

I asked a friend of mine for advice and he said to ignore you and forget about what happened but I don't think it's right to do that. Hopefully, you'll read this message before deciding to block me from your journal. It really needs to be said so that this situation can finally be resolved instead of you continuing to hold a grudge against me.

I admit that I was wrong to hurt you by things I've said and done and I've apologized and haven't done anything like that since then, but I'm in no way responsible for your decision to leave the so-called SPC Community.

After working on the SPC Project back in 1999, I learned that there was no single, organized SPC community. There were people who networked through fan webpages, though role playing, through art or writing, and through chatting on IRC or IM. I met Pzario on IRC in 1996. I made a channel on EFnet called #pizzacat and he accidently joined when he mispelled the name of the channel that he and a friend made called #pizzacats. This was before we uploaded any SPC pages to the web. In fact, he showed me the beginnings of his webpage the same day we met online to get my opinion on them before he made them public. I decided to join their channel.

Since Pzario advertised #pizzacats on his webpage, more people joined the channel and chatted regularly. Some role playing went on (very horrible role play that often involved sexually perverted behavior) but that soon ended after my brother took over in 1998 when the channel was moved from Terratron to Espernet. That's when some people from the AOL RPG joined. Later that year, I started my SPC page, advertised the channel there and some new members joined as a result. I think that was the same year that I received an e-mail from you asking for directions on how to join the channel. I e-mailed you back with the directions but I don't think I ever saw you on IRC. Eventually, word got around about the channel and more people joined.

I don't remember when I made the bored room. It was probably sometime during or after the 1999 SPC Project. I decided to link the whiteboard that was on my Geocities site to the bored room just for fun. For some reason, many people started to go there and soon enough, it was like the IRC channel in terms of socializing. Now, as I told you, the IRC channel was carefree. By carefree, I meant that the way the regulars interacted there was comparable to something like Spongebob Squarepants meets Ren and Stimpy meets Family Guy. That was my impression at least. No one really took themselves seriously. Well, some people did and that's why I said that stupidity was happening all around. When you announced at the bored room that you were "leaving the community", that made no sense at all. What community? As I described, the fandom was divided in several different ways. You can't blame me for your decision to quit working on your fanpage. I take full responsibility for hurting you directly with anything that I said or did but you can't say that I forced you out of a community that didn't exist. If you had something personal against me, that's one thing, but to label me as a member of a community that you made up in your mind and to publically slander me of being power mad and sadistic and wanting to bully you out of that community is completely wrong.

I tried talking to you through IM and e-mail but as I said, that never worked out. Recently, I requested to add you to Yahoo Messenger to talk but I changed my mind. Is there a point? You probably wouldn't want to talk to me anyway because you're completely set on holding on to your prejudice view of me.

If you decide that everything I said in this post was garbage and block me from your journal, that's your decision. However, I won't block you. You're free to read my journal or contact me through other means online. I have nothing against you and whatever wrong you did against me, I already forgave you long ago.

mya~

[meggy]

personally, i really think you should have ignored me.

it was the networking that i considered to be the community. i will continue to refer to it as such. i've taken notice that you're the only one who seems to have a problem with calling the fandom a community. see, communities don't need to be close, or tightly-knit. i don't know what you think a community is, but regardless of what you think, it -was- a community. you really have no right to critisize a personal definition.

now, my decision to leave was primarily because of you, and what you had done. i was sick of what you were putting me through, and more than anything, i got desperate for an end to it. i can see my last-ditch desperation move has failed...

actually, yahoo is probably the LAST place i'd ever be. i'm just not too fond of their messenger services.

forgave ME? for what? what the hell did i do to you to warrant an apology? don't you DARE treat me as if i'm the badguy for getting upset over how you treated me.
-Meg

Re: mya~

[marie_novelle]

Well, you list Yahoo Messenger in your contact information on your LJ userinfo page like I do, so I figured that it was something you use. I don't use AIM that much anymore and I don't know you well enough to add you to MSN or Googletalk, but in your case, I might make an exception if you would like to talk.

It makes no sense at all to me why those incidents at the whiteboard and message board were connected to your decision to shut down your webpage. Just because some people ran webpages, posted at the bored room, and chatted on IRC simultaneously doesn't mean they were part of one single network that you could leave and come back to. It simply was not how the online fandom was structured. You might've thought that some people were part of that community when in fact, they weren't connected in the way that you had in mind. For example, when you bring Genma into the argument. He maintained the IRC channel. Sure, he made a webpage for it and he also made several friends at the channel who happened to have webpages themselves, but does that mean he was part of what you define as "the SPC community"? No. Was he a maintainer for an IRC community created for people who happen to like the cartoon? Yes. So if you had a problem at my whiteboard and message board and wanted to leave those places because of what I did, that's understandable, but to say that I was responsible for your decision to quit working on your webpage and that I was pushing you out of the fandom with malicious intent is wrong.

I don't remember what you did exactly because it was such a long time ago when all of that happened. Maybe if I thought long and hard about it, I'd remember what you did because I'm sure you're not as perfect as you're remembering yourself. I will point out though that you presently hold me accountable for something that I did not do and are publically saying all kinds of slanderous things about me based on your lack of information. That's not right. If you actually got to know me instead of jumping to conclusions, you would know the truth.