(no subject)
There are things that I'm looking forward to about moving out of this apartment. It's a great apartment and very convenient to downtown and the expressway. But there are just things I'm ready to say goodbye too.
My neighbors upstairs walk with lead in their shoes. People who walk normally cannot make the amount of noise that they do. At all hours of the night and day too. They are both UL dental students so they don't party or have people over but I wonder sometimes when I am woken up at 3:30 in the morning because I think my fan is going to be knocked loose from my ceiling. This, I will not miss.
I want to have a house, with a yard and a garage. I hate scraping frost of my car in the morning, which by the way, I will inevitably have to do tomorrow morning. I want to have the dogs, and cook whatever I want without having to worry about smelling up the kitchen for 2 days. I don't want to hear the AC kick on with it's 40 degrees outside. I don't want Bryan to have to get fully clothed just to go into the bathroom. I don't want to throw away 400 bucks every month anymore.
College was so long ago and I don't want to feel like I'm in college anymore. God I hated some of that shit. I was such a doormat. I never spoke up and I never talked about things that got under my skin. I just dealt with it on my own. One of the problems with keeping a journal online like this for so many years is you have the unfortunate ability to relive your past in vivid descriptions and it's like you're right back there in the moment. I can pinpoint the exact feeling I felt and what was going through my head (most of the time). I was such a sad and sorry person. Broadcasting my "pain" for anyone to see when it was really just one or two people that I wanted it to be seen by. I'd like to think I've grown up and out of that phase. I mean, hell, right now I'm going through the scariest and most personal thing of my life and I've yet to break down and post about it. Not that I would.
And not that I'll mention anything else about it other than it really really sucks, but I will say that it's not fair and I'm pissed off that it's happening. I'm a good person. It's completely unfair and I have no one else to blame but myself and I know this. I hate how I deal with stress and I don't like the person I am when I'm "handling" it. It makes me mean to people. All people. My outlet is a person that is the one person I've been able to say honestly that I'll be with in 50 years and I don't want him to always have to take the brunt of my moods.
How scattered is this? I'm all over the place tonight. I need to quit while I'm ahead.
Am I ahead?
My neighbors upstairs walk with lead in their shoes. People who walk normally cannot make the amount of noise that they do. At all hours of the night and day too. They are both UL dental students so they don't party or have people over but I wonder sometimes when I am woken up at 3:30 in the morning because I think my fan is going to be knocked loose from my ceiling. This, I will not miss.
I want to have a house, with a yard and a garage. I hate scraping frost of my car in the morning, which by the way, I will inevitably have to do tomorrow morning. I want to have the dogs, and cook whatever I want without having to worry about smelling up the kitchen for 2 days. I don't want to hear the AC kick on with it's 40 degrees outside. I don't want Bryan to have to get fully clothed just to go into the bathroom. I don't want to throw away 400 bucks every month anymore.
College was so long ago and I don't want to feel like I'm in college anymore. God I hated some of that shit. I was such a doormat. I never spoke up and I never talked about things that got under my skin. I just dealt with it on my own. One of the problems with keeping a journal online like this for so many years is you have the unfortunate ability to relive your past in vivid descriptions and it's like you're right back there in the moment. I can pinpoint the exact feeling I felt and what was going through my head (most of the time). I was such a sad and sorry person. Broadcasting my "pain" for anyone to see when it was really just one or two people that I wanted it to be seen by. I'd like to think I've grown up and out of that phase. I mean, hell, right now I'm going through the scariest and most personal thing of my life and I've yet to break down and post about it. Not that I would.
And not that I'll mention anything else about it other than it really really sucks, but I will say that it's not fair and I'm pissed off that it's happening. I'm a good person. It's completely unfair and I have no one else to blame but myself and I know this. I hate how I deal with stress and I don't like the person I am when I'm "handling" it. It makes me mean to people. All people. My outlet is a person that is the one person I've been able to say honestly that I'll be with in 50 years and I don't want him to always have to take the brunt of my moods.
How scattered is this? I'm all over the place tonight. I need to quit while I'm ahead.
Am I ahead?