Major Venting
Well, today was Friday, the Walk-a-Thon. We walked 6 miles, but it didn't seem like it was that long. I had much fun. I got to drive to school today and i liked that, except we had to park far away and it wasn't such a big deal in the morning, but after walking 6 miles ya really don't wanna do any more walking if ya know what i mean. So after the walk me, laura, shal, kelly, mb, jenny, jennifer, kelli g, and katie went to chili's for lunch for our dear friend kelly's birthday. it was very fun. then we went to go see Mean Girls, that is quite the entertaining movie! I loved it!!!! I wanna see it again, i won't give it away. So after the movie i dropped mb and kelly off and we met katie's mom and then i came home.
i usually don't spill all of my feelings out in this, but i really need to today. i was home alone tonight and when i'm alone it gets me thinking, especially when i'm cleaing or cooking so i started to think about things. A lot about my dad. i'm sure all of you know the story so i won't get into that, but i just really miss him. even though he majorly messed himself up and he made the choice, i still miss him. i haven't seen him in about 6 years, but it thing about him everyday. i wonder what he's doing right now, whether he's at a bar or not, and what he does normally. i was 5 when he left and i luckily have some good memories of him, but my sister was only 3, she wasn't as lucky as me. she doesn't remember as much as i do. plus she was closer to my dad anyways. i think part of her still thinks he'll come home one day and everything will be ok. over the years i have lost all hope in that. i know it will never happen unless he wants it too. i know he loves us, and i still love him, but i wish he could be here in my life for important things like my 8th grade graduation, my confirmation in a couple of weeks, he missed my sweet 16, i wonder if he even knows i got my drivers liscense, or even cares for that matter. he missed my hole childhood, i bet he doesn't even know what i look like, but i still can picture him. my heart hurts to think of him a lot, but i know i need to talk about it otherwise its unhealthy and all my sadness and frustration will just build up and i will explode. it hurts when i see my uncles with my little cousins, that really gets to me, they don't know how lukcy they are. also, like when my friends talk about going to the daddy-daughter dance, because i know i can never go to those, and for example, like today as we were walking everyone was talking about how protective their dad's were of them. i don't know what that feels like. i have no idea. i know my uncles talk about when i get a boyfriend what they are gonna do, buy know matter how hard they try, they still aren't my dad. he didn't send me a birthday card, he didn't call on christmas, it makes me feel like he doesn't give a rats ass about us, and that's a hard reality to face. he was in the hopsital earlier this year. i don't know how many people knew that or not. it was pretty serious. the only reason i know is because the only good member of the mcginty family, my uncle mike called and told my mom. it was his heart, both from drinking and heredity. we didn't know what was going to happen. i cried a lot over that, becaue imagine if i lost him, i would never have been able to say goodbye. my mom called him at the hospital to talk to him. this is the first time they have spoken in many years. it took so much courage for her to do that. she told him to take his medicine and that we love him and miss him. he told her to tell us not to worry about him, and that he loves us too. i'm sure he does, but i bet he feels like hie really messed up and can't face us. but that is the way mcginty's work. they dont tell what they feel, they keep it inside until they burst. it's constent denial. 24/7. there is so much i wanna say to him like does he have any idea how much pain he has caused me and katie over the years. not to mention my mom! she has to live without a spouse and any financial support from him. i know it hurts her to go to events like the auction alone, because she has no one. i know in her heart she wants to meet someone,and i kinda want her to as well. she should be happy, she deserves it. she has dealt with more crap then anyone could ever have imagined, even i don't fully know what she has gone through the past 11 years. does he even care about me?
i'm sorry this is really deep, and i've been crying pretty much through this hole entry, but tonight i just couldn't stop thinking about that, i needed to talk to somebody, i do feel better now, i think. through all of my life, i have been blessed with a wonderful mother who has been so incredibly strong through all of this, and a sister who i know is pretty cool. and not to mention my friends. i would be no where without you guys. words can't describe. i feel like the luckiest person alive to be surrounded by people i can trust and have a good time with. thanks for listening.
i usually don't spill all of my feelings out in this, but i really need to today. i was home alone tonight and when i'm alone it gets me thinking, especially when i'm cleaing or cooking so i started to think about things. A lot about my dad. i'm sure all of you know the story so i won't get into that, but i just really miss him. even though he majorly messed himself up and he made the choice, i still miss him. i haven't seen him in about 6 years, but it thing about him everyday. i wonder what he's doing right now, whether he's at a bar or not, and what he does normally. i was 5 when he left and i luckily have some good memories of him, but my sister was only 3, she wasn't as lucky as me. she doesn't remember as much as i do. plus she was closer to my dad anyways. i think part of her still thinks he'll come home one day and everything will be ok. over the years i have lost all hope in that. i know it will never happen unless he wants it too. i know he loves us, and i still love him, but i wish he could be here in my life for important things like my 8th grade graduation, my confirmation in a couple of weeks, he missed my sweet 16, i wonder if he even knows i got my drivers liscense, or even cares for that matter. he missed my hole childhood, i bet he doesn't even know what i look like, but i still can picture him. my heart hurts to think of him a lot, but i know i need to talk about it otherwise its unhealthy and all my sadness and frustration will just build up and i will explode. it hurts when i see my uncles with my little cousins, that really gets to me, they don't know how lukcy they are. also, like when my friends talk about going to the daddy-daughter dance, because i know i can never go to those, and for example, like today as we were walking everyone was talking about how protective their dad's were of them. i don't know what that feels like. i have no idea. i know my uncles talk about when i get a boyfriend what they are gonna do, buy know matter how hard they try, they still aren't my dad. he didn't send me a birthday card, he didn't call on christmas, it makes me feel like he doesn't give a rats ass about us, and that's a hard reality to face. he was in the hopsital earlier this year. i don't know how many people knew that or not. it was pretty serious. the only reason i know is because the only good member of the mcginty family, my uncle mike called and told my mom. it was his heart, both from drinking and heredity. we didn't know what was going to happen. i cried a lot over that, becaue imagine if i lost him, i would never have been able to say goodbye. my mom called him at the hospital to talk to him. this is the first time they have spoken in many years. it took so much courage for her to do that. she told him to take his medicine and that we love him and miss him. he told her to tell us not to worry about him, and that he loves us too. i'm sure he does, but i bet he feels like hie really messed up and can't face us. but that is the way mcginty's work. they dont tell what they feel, they keep it inside until they burst. it's constent denial. 24/7. there is so much i wanna say to him like does he have any idea how much pain he has caused me and katie over the years. not to mention my mom! she has to live without a spouse and any financial support from him. i know it hurts her to go to events like the auction alone, because she has no one. i know in her heart she wants to meet someone,and i kinda want her to as well. she should be happy, she deserves it. she has dealt with more crap then anyone could ever have imagined, even i don't fully know what she has gone through the past 11 years. does he even care about me?
i'm sorry this is really deep, and i've been crying pretty much through this hole entry, but tonight i just couldn't stop thinking about that, i needed to talk to somebody, i do feel better now, i think. through all of my life, i have been blessed with a wonderful mother who has been so incredibly strong through all of this, and a sister who i know is pretty cool. and not to mention my friends. i would be no where without you guys. words can't describe. i feel like the luckiest person alive to be surrounded by people i can trust and have a good time with. thanks for listening.