Home again... Conflicted.

[meggieking]

Conflicted.  Confused.  Hurting... For all the reasons you would expect, I suppose.  Wes is still Wes, and I am very unhappy to learn that if he wanted me back (and he got rid of Juliette), I would at least consider it.  Aw, fuck... who am I kidding.  I would go straight on back.  I would probably TRY to negotiate a more equitable, fair, balanced relationship, but I would probably still walk right back into whatever the hell he offered.  And I kind of hate myself for it.  The realization that I am still as weak and dependent and desperate or whatever as I always was... I am pretty fucked up right now.  He is still Wes... Still the same man who was by my side in all the wonderful times.  Yes, he is the same man who held me back, smothered me, used me and then discarded me when I no longer just bent to his will... But he is still Wes.  Still the father of my children, the man who stood by my side for so many years and made me feel loved and cherished... And yes.  He is still an asshole.  Still selfish and self-centered and dedicated to his own interests, but still...

Fuck.
Fuck fuck fuck.