(no subject)
i have dread locks, and a motherfucker of a headache. last month's adderall OD incident kind of repeated yesterday. i took less, but still. couldn't stop shaking, crazy fucking fast heartrate...all that fun stuff. silly time release pills. so around 3, after figiting and not being able to lie still for about 5 hours, i decided i'd rather be burnt out but rested than headachey and cranky and shitty, so i smoked a bowl. but i still couldn't sleep. and let me tell you, adderall and marijuana is a winning combination. so only a few hours before my english exam i was beyond fucked up and had some pretty fuckin' crazy epiphanies. but that wore off after an hour or two. so all in all, it was fucking miserable.
today sucked for so many reasons. firstly, i was under the impression that my physics exam was thursday, not today. and i had every intention of studying for it, too. but, surprise!! it was today!! so that was fun. and the entire day i had a splitting headache and couldn't concentrate because all my energy was fucking wiped out thanks to my dear friend addy. and another reason today blew is because everything is different now between me and my mom. and it's not just a fight. things are not going to get better, and they are not going to ever be "normal" again (as normal as things ever are in my family, that is...). i'm not grounded or punished or anything, cause i didn't really DO anything. but a ton of shit happened on monday, and i got out of control and said probably the meanest things i've ever said in my life. i don't want to repeat them, but if anybody ever told me what i told my mom, i would kill myself. it's been 3 days, and we haven't so much as looked at each other. i feel sick when i think about her, and what i said. and even though she DID do some really terrible and stupid things, she didn't deserve what i said/did to her. and part of me hates myself for it. most of the time i'm a very chill person and i don't really let shit get to me, but then sometimes i just can't control myself and don't think before i act or speak and end up hurting people way more than i intended. monday was definitely a milestone in our relationship. i wish i could take it back, but no matter what happens, nothing will change the fact that i said it. and i just feel so motherfucking alone. my dad is already more or less dead to me...i guess my mom is too now.
god dammit. i thought shit was finally starting to get better. something really, really needs to change, and i don't think cityterm is enough for that. neither is college. i can't live here anymore, i can't go to this school, i can't fucking do this. i don't even know what i need to make it better. it just feels like something essential is missing. and i don't know what that is. maybe it's cause i go to bbn, where everybody's life is perfect, but still- i'm pretty sure this isn't normal. i feel like my whole life i've been waiting for something, and it's never going to come...
i just wish the shit would hit the fucking fan already.
today sucked for so many reasons. firstly, i was under the impression that my physics exam was thursday, not today. and i had every intention of studying for it, too. but, surprise!! it was today!! so that was fun. and the entire day i had a splitting headache and couldn't concentrate because all my energy was fucking wiped out thanks to my dear friend addy. and another reason today blew is because everything is different now between me and my mom. and it's not just a fight. things are not going to get better, and they are not going to ever be "normal" again (as normal as things ever are in my family, that is...). i'm not grounded or punished or anything, cause i didn't really DO anything. but a ton of shit happened on monday, and i got out of control and said probably the meanest things i've ever said in my life. i don't want to repeat them, but if anybody ever told me what i told my mom, i would kill myself. it's been 3 days, and we haven't so much as looked at each other. i feel sick when i think about her, and what i said. and even though she DID do some really terrible and stupid things, she didn't deserve what i said/did to her. and part of me hates myself for it. most of the time i'm a very chill person and i don't really let shit get to me, but then sometimes i just can't control myself and don't think before i act or speak and end up hurting people way more than i intended. monday was definitely a milestone in our relationship. i wish i could take it back, but no matter what happens, nothing will change the fact that i said it. and i just feel so motherfucking alone. my dad is already more or less dead to me...i guess my mom is too now.
god dammit. i thought shit was finally starting to get better. something really, really needs to change, and i don't think cityterm is enough for that. neither is college. i can't live here anymore, i can't go to this school, i can't fucking do this. i don't even know what i need to make it better. it just feels like something essential is missing. and i don't know what that is. maybe it's cause i go to bbn, where everybody's life is perfect, but still- i'm pretty sure this isn't normal. i feel like my whole life i've been waiting for something, and it's never going to come...
i just wish the shit would hit the fucking fan already.