the times, they are a changin'
yesterday i got my second tattoo, and pain-wise, what i was missing out on in my first one, the second more than made up for. it's on my lower back, the eye of horus, only re-drawn for me by eric. by the end of the session, i had nearly drawn blood in his hand from squeezing it so motherfucking hard. not everyone will both draw your tattoo for you, then accompany you to get it, hold your hand throughout the whole ordeal, let you squeeze as hard as you need to, and make you laugh when you want to fucking scream. and then take you out for juice afterwards. sigh. he's the best person i know, god dammit.
everything feels fucking weird. not necessarily in a bad way...i've just lost sight of the future, consequences, etc. example: my new tattoo. i barely thought about it before getting it. it still has not at all registered that i will have it on my back for the rest of my life. example #2: smoking too much everything. i've been getting high on a daily basis since the beginning of may. i don't even actually get high anymore; it's more of just a habit, something necessary to feel complete. lung cancer? ovarian cancer? whaa? whatever, man. it's all good. the future is such a distant concept. i experienced this all too intensely when i was on shrooms the other day. i lost sight of the past, the future -- everything except this exact moment. as far as i was concerned, the only thing that exists is the all mighty NOW. so if you want to get high, get high. and if you want to get inked, get inked. i'm having a really difficult time, even moreso than usual, dealing with consequences and the future. because more and more every day i feel like i'm losing control over my life. which may sound kind of depressing, but really, it's ok. i don't know why. but everything is sort of falling into place -- but in a new place, in a way i didn't know was possible before. everything is new and different, and everything is forging its own unique place in the grand scheme of life, or some shit like that.
because it's not the end product, it's the process that makes life worth living. it's possibility that motivates us to live and not give up. it's not having a boyfriend or girlfriend that's important, it's being in love and having the possibility of something happening. because unrequited love is still love; it's a matter of having something to live for every day, the possibility of being better, smarter, stronger, thinner, whatever -- i felt this for the first time in eighth grade when i did the whole anorexic thing. it's not just a diet -- in fact, at least in my case, being thin had nothing to do with it. it was a matter of having a reason to live: the possibility that every day, no matter what else happens, i could be thinner. and that possiblity is what we thrive on. it's something to dedicate every waking moment to, similar to being in love with someone -- whether or not it's reciprocated is irrelevant. i don't know if i can speak for anyone without as severe OCD as i have, but in my life at least, i need one force, be it a person, eating disorder, class, skill, anything -- i need something to devote my entire being to. because it's not being thin that matters, or having a boyfriend, it's the pursuit of happiness that keeps us going, not happiness itself. there's always more; if we ever get too satisfied with ourselves, we stop growing and changing and living. it's the uncertainty of the future; how everything is free and open and unwritten, empty for us to create that makes life go on. or at least this is how i live my life.
i can partly attribute it to the excesses of marijuana, but i forget what it's like to hate. maybe this is what peace is. but hate is just such a wasted emotion. i just feel bad for the majority of bbn kids who lead vapid, superficial, meaningless lives that revolve around AIM and shopping and substanceless conversations and jokes. resentment possibly, but no hate. because if that's how you want to live your lives, power to you. we all judge each other, whether or not we disillusion ourselves into believing we don't, and that's not the worst thing in the world. it's just when we start imposing our lifestyles onto others when it stops being ok. i HATE watching people eat meat; it makes me sick, and often lowers my opinion of them as well; but i'm not going to stop them. everybody's gotta chill the fuck out and let people live their own lives as they please, whether or not it's how you choose to live your own. too much of that going on recently.
on a final note: i've re-entered a beatles obsession. i spent this entire year branching out and listening to really different types of music, which has definitely impacted my life, cause there's some fuckin' sweet shit out there, but for some reason i always come back to the beatles. call me unoriginal, but i understand and feel them in a way i don't think many other people do.
even though most people in america are mindless, superficial, ignorant fuckhead assholes (and most people at bbn, too), there's a handfull of people that aren't. and you all know who you are. and it's you guys that make life not just bearable, but actually pretty damn ok at times.
"jai guru deva om
nothing's gonna change my world...
nothing's gonna change my world."
everything feels fucking weird. not necessarily in a bad way...i've just lost sight of the future, consequences, etc. example: my new tattoo. i barely thought about it before getting it. it still has not at all registered that i will have it on my back for the rest of my life. example #2: smoking too much everything. i've been getting high on a daily basis since the beginning of may. i don't even actually get high anymore; it's more of just a habit, something necessary to feel complete. lung cancer? ovarian cancer? whaa? whatever, man. it's all good. the future is such a distant concept. i experienced this all too intensely when i was on shrooms the other day. i lost sight of the past, the future -- everything except this exact moment. as far as i was concerned, the only thing that exists is the all mighty NOW. so if you want to get high, get high. and if you want to get inked, get inked. i'm having a really difficult time, even moreso than usual, dealing with consequences and the future. because more and more every day i feel like i'm losing control over my life. which may sound kind of depressing, but really, it's ok. i don't know why. but everything is sort of falling into place -- but in a new place, in a way i didn't know was possible before. everything is new and different, and everything is forging its own unique place in the grand scheme of life, or some shit like that.
because it's not the end product, it's the process that makes life worth living. it's possibility that motivates us to live and not give up. it's not having a boyfriend or girlfriend that's important, it's being in love and having the possibility of something happening. because unrequited love is still love; it's a matter of having something to live for every day, the possibility of being better, smarter, stronger, thinner, whatever -- i felt this for the first time in eighth grade when i did the whole anorexic thing. it's not just a diet -- in fact, at least in my case, being thin had nothing to do with it. it was a matter of having a reason to live: the possibility that every day, no matter what else happens, i could be thinner. and that possiblity is what we thrive on. it's something to dedicate every waking moment to, similar to being in love with someone -- whether or not it's reciprocated is irrelevant. i don't know if i can speak for anyone without as severe OCD as i have, but in my life at least, i need one force, be it a person, eating disorder, class, skill, anything -- i need something to devote my entire being to. because it's not being thin that matters, or having a boyfriend, it's the pursuit of happiness that keeps us going, not happiness itself. there's always more; if we ever get too satisfied with ourselves, we stop growing and changing and living. it's the uncertainty of the future; how everything is free and open and unwritten, empty for us to create that makes life go on. or at least this is how i live my life.
i can partly attribute it to the excesses of marijuana, but i forget what it's like to hate. maybe this is what peace is. but hate is just such a wasted emotion. i just feel bad for the majority of bbn kids who lead vapid, superficial, meaningless lives that revolve around AIM and shopping and substanceless conversations and jokes. resentment possibly, but no hate. because if that's how you want to live your lives, power to you. we all judge each other, whether or not we disillusion ourselves into believing we don't, and that's not the worst thing in the world. it's just when we start imposing our lifestyles onto others when it stops being ok. i HATE watching people eat meat; it makes me sick, and often lowers my opinion of them as well; but i'm not going to stop them. everybody's gotta chill the fuck out and let people live their own lives as they please, whether or not it's how you choose to live your own. too much of that going on recently.
on a final note: i've re-entered a beatles obsession. i spent this entire year branching out and listening to really different types of music, which has definitely impacted my life, cause there's some fuckin' sweet shit out there, but for some reason i always come back to the beatles. call me unoriginal, but i understand and feel them in a way i don't think many other people do.
even though most people in america are mindless, superficial, ignorant fuckhead assholes (and most people at bbn, too), there's a handfull of people that aren't. and you all know who you are. and it's you guys that make life not just bearable, but actually pretty damn ok at times.
"jai guru deva om
nothing's gonna change my world...
nothing's gonna change my world."