(no subject)
i dont no where to start... noone seems to get it anyway...
well, me n jesse are goin out now. he asked me out this morning. yeah, well things have been nearly perfect. no joke, i have been the happiest person ever. im not dumb tho.. i no its not gonna last forever. but ya know what, i dont care. we get along so good. he is someone i need around me. I love being around him.
my life is so fucked up, i cant go a day without crying... forreal. even if i had an awesome day.. i will still go to bed crying. its just how i am. I am extremely depressed. My life has been fuckin bullshit. but ya know what. i deal with it. Its usally an act tho. when im out and haveing a good time.. im usually faking it..
yesterday me jesse and katie went to coast guard. well yeah, it was alot of fun... they didnt realize this, but when we were walkin by the water, i started getin all emo like always.. b/c of ducks swimming in the water (major reminder of DadE) and well i was on the verge of crying, and i looked at him, and realized i had nothing to cry about.. my life was good.
today me n lauren went to the beach with z and kayle.... yeah it was really weird, but i had fun. im so glad that theres no drama with me n z now.. but wait, now its me n lauren. she told me tonight that since me n jesse are together she cant be friedns with me.. its not that she is mad at me either wich makes it even harder.. cuz i know i should end it with him because friends are wayy more important than boyfriends.. but i cant do that. yeah its good for her if we arent friends.. but its good for me to be with him. i wish i could have both.. but i cant.. not at the same time anyway.. and it sucks really bad...
tonight... i dont know, i feel like hell.. i feel like goin back to some old habits i had.. defenitly not good for me. but i cant stand hurting people.. i cant stand being hurt... i cant stand fights.. or drama.. or liars.. i cant stand all the bullshit that comes along with life... fuck it dude.. im done