wrong time, wrong place.
I thought I'd begin the new year with a bit of introspection.
Be warned - it's not cheery, uplifting introspection either.
Might as well start the new year honestly though, right?
Sometimes I feel like I was born in the wrong place or time. Like I don't really belong here.
And lately, that sometimes is slowly becoming an all-the-time feeling.
I think that it's become pretty obvious to my family already. They know I don't belong with them, that I'm different than them. I just dont fit in - I never really have. My own mother asks me where I came from. I'd believe I was adopted if my mother didn't have the c-section scar to prove it and if I didn't look like my brother.
I was beginning to think that I'd made it up and found a family away from my family with L's family - a place where I actually fit in. And I really do love them, just like I love my own family, but Christmas made me realize that maybe I dont really fit in there either. I don't really belong with them. I just felt myself drifting further and further away from them...
I feel like I'm drifting further and further away from everyone.
I'm not sure my friends have started to see through me just yet - but I think I'm growing more and more transparent and they're beginning to realize I don't belong with them. It's getting hard to hold up the mask, keep up the facade. Pretty soon they're going to figure me out and realize that I don't fit in with them, that I don't belong with them.
And it's not as though I'm some huge outcast, I've learned to blend in perfectly well with my friends and they accept me just as though do everyone else, it's just... I'm not everyone else. And I don't fit in with them at all. I'm a little too different from them, a little too lost with them.
It's a hard thing, not really having a place to belong, feeling as though I'm not even suppose to be here right now. It's a hard thing to come to realize and have to live with.
And how do I tell that to my friends, my family? 'You know, I just dont really belong here, not with you guys, I think I was born at the wrong time.' I'm sorry, but who is going to understand that? I barely understand it myself. I just know that nothing feels right. It just feels like I'm floating through a time not meant for me and there's no one to anchor me down.
Life's hard enough. But knowing you're alone, it's even harder. And knowing that you're alone because no one could really understand you not belonging to this place or time, well... that's almost unbearable.
It's an incredibly lonely thing... not belonging.
It's as though I'm not connected to anyone. Not my family, not my friends, not my coworkers, not my classmates. I even see dozens of new people on a daily basis and I don't feel any sort of connection to a single on of them.
No one should have to live their life in an utter state of disconnect from the rest of the world - the rest of humanity.
I hate feeling this way, but I'm not sure there's any real way to remedy it. How do you fix not fitting into the world you were born into? Not belonging to the people that you love?
I don't think there's an answer.