Christmas
So today was a very busy day, actually the past month has been a very busy month. I can honestly say that this is the fastest time has ever gone by. I dont really like it either, i feel like i am in one motion, missing everything around me. My dad calls it life. My dad is smart too.
TOday i went to work til 2, i got some darlings to take part of my shift for me. It was really sweet of them to do so. It felt really nice to only work 4 hours instead of 11. After work i went around and finished my christmas shopping. Not that i have extra cash to spend, but i have more than ive ever had, so this year i wanted to do real presents. It makes me feel happy to know that i can do that.
After that i went to Jo's christmas party. I dont really know anyone there so i just hung out with Rachels new puppy. She was adorable and fell asleep on my lap. It made me feel warm and fuzzy.. and in great need of a puppy.
After that i came home for a little bit, but some presents away and then headed to the Millers for their christmas party. I really wasnt thtrilled to go to it, but i went because i knew Betty wanted me there. Im really not a party person. social gatherings scare me a lot. I dont know what to say or what to do so i usually just end up sitting there and finding a comfortable spot on the wall to stare at. It actually ended up being fun though. I got to see people, i wish i got to see more, the adams werent there. Sorry if i seemed grumpy, like i said, i dont do well at getherings. I enjoyed it a lot. It got a little tireing towards the end watching a million "white kids' episodes ( i thin kthats what they are) but i think that was mostly because i developed a rather sore throat throughout the day.
So now im here.. its almost christmas eve. I can sleep which is weird because ive been up since 7am. Theres a lot going through my mind lately, but its almost like i havent been able to really think about it because everythings so busy. But now i have a few days off, and its finally quiet.
I am really scared. This next year is going to be really challenging. Im going back to school, trying to make something of myself, moving out (again). It wouldnt be so bad if i didnt have people to worry about. I just found out that my mothers cancer came back and i am terrified. Before they were able to just cut it out, and they thought that they got it all, but it came back. now obviouslly they cant just keep cutting it out every 6 months. So whats the alternitive? If any of you know my mother you know that she is not a strong woman. She is weak. She has ailment after ailment. Whether its really physical or all in her head its still there. Im really scared that if she has to go through chemo or radiation that it will make her too weak... im really scared. Ive always had issues with my mother, theres always been some sort of contention between us. I love her terribly, and i think thats why i am always so angry at her. Because i remember when i was liattle and she wasnt sick. Now that i am older and have needed her, shes not there. She missed most of my teenager years, all of my teenager years. Now im worrie dthat she might miss my adult life.
aehrhfj... i keep freaking out so much. When she told me that it had come back, i just said "ok.. im tired ill see you in the moring' the next day i went to work and was a complete wreck. I cried at my frist job.. so much so that i had a headache the rest of the day. Then i got to my second job, i went into the office to get an apron and my boss was there. He asked me what was wrong and i broke down and just sat there balling. I felt like such an idiot. i hate crying, especially in front of people like my boss. He was really nice though, gave me a big hug and told me to stay in the office til i was ok, and he went out and did my job. That really meant a lot to me. Anyway.. im jsut scared.
TOday i went to work til 2, i got some darlings to take part of my shift for me. It was really sweet of them to do so. It felt really nice to only work 4 hours instead of 11. After work i went around and finished my christmas shopping. Not that i have extra cash to spend, but i have more than ive ever had, so this year i wanted to do real presents. It makes me feel happy to know that i can do that.
After that i went to Jo's christmas party. I dont really know anyone there so i just hung out with Rachels new puppy. She was adorable and fell asleep on my lap. It made me feel warm and fuzzy.. and in great need of a puppy.
After that i came home for a little bit, but some presents away and then headed to the Millers for their christmas party. I really wasnt thtrilled to go to it, but i went because i knew Betty wanted me there. Im really not a party person. social gatherings scare me a lot. I dont know what to say or what to do so i usually just end up sitting there and finding a comfortable spot on the wall to stare at. It actually ended up being fun though. I got to see people, i wish i got to see more, the adams werent there. Sorry if i seemed grumpy, like i said, i dont do well at getherings. I enjoyed it a lot. It got a little tireing towards the end watching a million "white kids' episodes ( i thin kthats what they are) but i think that was mostly because i developed a rather sore throat throughout the day.
So now im here.. its almost christmas eve. I can sleep which is weird because ive been up since 7am. Theres a lot going through my mind lately, but its almost like i havent been able to really think about it because everythings so busy. But now i have a few days off, and its finally quiet.
I am really scared. This next year is going to be really challenging. Im going back to school, trying to make something of myself, moving out (again). It wouldnt be so bad if i didnt have people to worry about. I just found out that my mothers cancer came back and i am terrified. Before they were able to just cut it out, and they thought that they got it all, but it came back. now obviouslly they cant just keep cutting it out every 6 months. So whats the alternitive? If any of you know my mother you know that she is not a strong woman. She is weak. She has ailment after ailment. Whether its really physical or all in her head its still there. Im really scared that if she has to go through chemo or radiation that it will make her too weak... im really scared. Ive always had issues with my mother, theres always been some sort of contention between us. I love her terribly, and i think thats why i am always so angry at her. Because i remember when i was liattle and she wasnt sick. Now that i am older and have needed her, shes not there. She missed most of my teenager years, all of my teenager years. Now im worrie dthat she might miss my adult life.
aehrhfj... i keep freaking out so much. When she told me that it had come back, i just said "ok.. im tired ill see you in the moring' the next day i went to work and was a complete wreck. I cried at my frist job.. so much so that i had a headache the rest of the day. Then i got to my second job, i went into the office to get an apron and my boss was there. He asked me what was wrong and i broke down and just sat there balling. I felt like such an idiot. i hate crying, especially in front of people like my boss. He was really nice though, gave me a big hug and told me to stay in the office til i was ok, and he went out and did my job. That really meant a lot to me. Anyway.. im jsut scared.