We are the armies you see thru the red haze of blood...
Why do I push the people I love away? It must be because I don't respect or like myself. I can't bring myself to accept that someone likes me for me. No matter how many times someone says it, it still feels false. Me? What the fuck do I have to offer? All compliments feel like lies, or worse still, pity. I just want to disappear. I want to go to bed and not wake up. I could never ice myself, I'm too big of a pussy. Why can't I be honest with people. How the fuck did I fall in love? Me? The Solitary Man? Nah way brah. I don't even know if I am in love. All the fuck I know is that she stirs up feelings in me I've never felt before about anyone and I can't stop thinking about her. She says she loves me, but how? And the situation with J. I can't do that to him. Why do I feel like such a terrible person? Isn't this supposed to be natural? Is it wrong to be attracted to someone physically? I mean, my love for her extends way beyond the hubris that is her body, but she gives me fits. WHY DO I FEEL SO DIRTY!? Is it so wrong to want to sleep with her? I'm so confused. All I can do is push her away and be an asshole. I don't know how to handle this situation. I feel like a goddamn teenager. I feel as though I'm wrong to fall in love with her, if that's even what it is. I could never be in a relationship with her. She's so much more of a better person. I'm not even on her level. A fucking gas station loser with no fucking prospects. No chance at redemption. And we won't even get into my sorry excuse for hubris. She's so much more socially aware. She's educated. She's friendly, outgoing, nice, everything I'm not. She's got the world going for her. I am the literal incarnation of shit. That shit you stepped in, and you didn't think you're shoes would come clean, so you just threw them away. That is me. She says I'm one of her favorite people (whatever that means). Actually, what it means is that she genuinely wants to be my friend and I fuck that up be falling for her. I'm sorry. I can't help it. God dammit. I wish I had a hole I could crawl into and die.