I'm a dumbass
Well, I am an idiot. On Saturday, I went to a hick country bar with Amy. Her cousin Lisa is a bartender there. Me, being a drunken asshole, kissed this dude. I then felt horrible and told Paul. Paul tells me today that he can't look past that and we are now broken up. I always fuck everything up. I push people away. I can't let myself be happy. I am afraid to let someone get too close to me. And I really can't bitch about it because it's my fault. I am very sad, but I really can't talk about it because I don't deserve pity and I don't deserve advice or comfort. I hurt someone that, turns out, really cared about me. It also turns out that I cared about him a lot more than I thought I did...and I already thought I liked him a lot. I dunno, I hope we eventually hook back up and he can trust me again. The thing is, that is so not like me to do that. I'm not that person. I told him that I honestly would never do that again to him, and I really really wouldn't. He believes me too, but it doesn't change the fact that I kissed someone else. People make mistakes and I would love a second chance. I just don't feel like we should be over. It just doesn't feel right. Oh well, that's just what I get. Sometimes it takes something shitty to realize what you have...and then it is usually too late. Ha, I have low self-esteem and look to men for validation. It sucks. Ok, no more excuses..."excuses are like assholes, everyone's got them!" It's my fault, and I got what was coming to me. The End.