Double Shot of Espresso
Definitely feeling the caffenine buzz at the moment. At Rocketboots and need to write my paper but definitely have too much on my mind to do so. I stayed up until 5am yesterday (well technically today) but didn't get any work done past two. So basically, I'm an extra three hours tired and nowhere on my paper.
Only two more papers to go. Comfort Woman paper is my assignment for this night. I'm telling myself I can't leave here until the paper is written. And seeing that it's nine o'clock and it's a 7-9 page paper, I'm going to be here for a looooooooooooooooooooooong time.
This is going to be a long entry, I can feel it. But I'm hoping that if I write out everything I'm feeling, I'll be able to concentrate.
I've been dreaming about Joey a lot lately. I can't seem to get him out of my mind. I know that it's because my mind is so occupied with work during the day that I pushing it aside until I actually get into bed. Then the thinking starts and I go back to that night and relive it over and over, which is what obviously leads me into dreaming about it. And it's weird because in my dreams I know he shouldn't be there. He's out of place but everywhere I go. I don't know.
I can't stop looking at his livejournal or his facebook page. That's totally crazy. My mind keeps telling me that "he was a nice person" "friendly" etc. and that it didn't actually happen. I'm able to stop myself when these thoughts come, but it's weird because I'm trying to turn him into someone who wouldn't have done that. He's a serial rapist. Serial rapist. Manipulation, friendliness, all of that is part of his sick personality.
I keep hoping that he'll write something in his lj about what happened. It's silly because I know he's not going to write "well, damn, I'm home because I raped a girl and I feel like the most horrible person ever." but I still wait for something. Some acknowledgement of what happened. I want to know what he was thinking. I want to know if he purposefully brought me back to his room. If he drugged me. If he was sober. If he hung around me because he wanted to have me that night. If he really thought he scored because it was consentual sex or because he raped a girl. Did he "whoo doggie" the next day because he raped me and was thinking of it as rape? I don't understand how his mind works and frankly, I really don't want to understand the mind of a rapist, but at the same time, I want to know what his intent was that night.
I feel like I'm slowly remembering more of the night. Little things that were said or that we did or one time when I went to the bathroom, I keep remembering more. At the support group tonight, I talked about how much it upset me that I couldn't remember everything that happened and that I don't think I drank enough etc. Wanda suggested another answer besides Joey drugging me, which is that I dissociated myself from what was going on. I blocked things out because I couldnt' deal with them. It's definitely how I've been handling all of this since it happened, so I don't know. It could possibly explain why I'm begining to remember things.
When I start to remember I feel sick. I don't want to have been raped. This is a lesson I didn't need to learn. How do I deal with this. Mother Fucker.
Yea, paper time. Not sure this helped. I'll probably update eighteen hundred times tonight.
M.
Only two more papers to go. Comfort Woman paper is my assignment for this night. I'm telling myself I can't leave here until the paper is written. And seeing that it's nine o'clock and it's a 7-9 page paper, I'm going to be here for a looooooooooooooooooooooong time.
This is going to be a long entry, I can feel it. But I'm hoping that if I write out everything I'm feeling, I'll be able to concentrate.
I've been dreaming about Joey a lot lately. I can't seem to get him out of my mind. I know that it's because my mind is so occupied with work during the day that I pushing it aside until I actually get into bed. Then the thinking starts and I go back to that night and relive it over and over, which is what obviously leads me into dreaming about it. And it's weird because in my dreams I know he shouldn't be there. He's out of place but everywhere I go. I don't know.
I can't stop looking at his livejournal or his facebook page. That's totally crazy. My mind keeps telling me that "he was a nice person" "friendly" etc. and that it didn't actually happen. I'm able to stop myself when these thoughts come, but it's weird because I'm trying to turn him into someone who wouldn't have done that. He's a serial rapist. Serial rapist. Manipulation, friendliness, all of that is part of his sick personality.
I keep hoping that he'll write something in his lj about what happened. It's silly because I know he's not going to write "well, damn, I'm home because I raped a girl and I feel like the most horrible person ever." but I still wait for something. Some acknowledgement of what happened. I want to know what he was thinking. I want to know if he purposefully brought me back to his room. If he drugged me. If he was sober. If he hung around me because he wanted to have me that night. If he really thought he scored because it was consentual sex or because he raped a girl. Did he "whoo doggie" the next day because he raped me and was thinking of it as rape? I don't understand how his mind works and frankly, I really don't want to understand the mind of a rapist, but at the same time, I want to know what his intent was that night.
I feel like I'm slowly remembering more of the night. Little things that were said or that we did or one time when I went to the bathroom, I keep remembering more. At the support group tonight, I talked about how much it upset me that I couldn't remember everything that happened and that I don't think I drank enough etc. Wanda suggested another answer besides Joey drugging me, which is that I dissociated myself from what was going on. I blocked things out because I couldnt' deal with them. It's definitely how I've been handling all of this since it happened, so I don't know. It could possibly explain why I'm begining to remember things.
When I start to remember I feel sick. I don't want to have been raped. This is a lesson I didn't need to learn. How do I deal with this. Mother Fucker.
Yea, paper time. Not sure this helped. I'll probably update eighteen hundred times tonight.
M.