(no subject)
Here it is, again. I suppose I need to write to get some of this out of me. I notice that a lot of people let their journals or blogs lie fallow until such time as life turns against them in some way. I don't reckon I am the exception to this. Not that there are many left around. My life has been a little turned upside-down, of late, due to EJ's breaking up with me. There is supposedly hope that we can work it out, but she doesn't even know if she wants to at the moment. It's pretty tough, right now.
I can understand why people apply spiritual concepts to matters of love. The emotions involved are quite intense. Even I was actually tempted to see my relationship with EJ as some sort of mechanism of fate. Everything with her seemed perfect. Hell, everything with her was nearly perfect.
The way we fit together, physically, emotionally, and intellectually amounted to what passed for perfect in my world. She was on my mind all the time. I would see something and think that EJ would love to hear about that. I would feel good just because I knew she was there, somewhere, loving me and being willing to call me her boyfriend. We were and are connected in ways that I can't even list, and some I can't sufficiently describe. We were together for nearly four years and up until recently, everything seemed so good. We even wondered when the NRE would go away, but it never did. We determined it was just chemistry.
I just hope she feels the same and can come around to me again, some day. In the mean-time we're trying this friends thing. And I will try my damnedest to support her as a friend.
One of the reasons for her needing to back off was that our communications were spiraling out of control. I would say something I thought was completely innocuous and she would take it the wrong way. It started out small, at first, with her believing me when I clarified. It used to be that she didn't need clarification. She got me in a way that no one else did at the time. She would automatically assume if I meant something, I would just come out and say it.
But back in the winter, I had some difficulty with a bit of depression and paranoia. I saw her filling places in her schedule with things that involved her new boyfriend and that somehow made me think that she had denied me those places. I know better. Hell, I should have known better, then. And I tried to work through this difficulty on my own. It was a mind worm I couldn't shake. But one day I expressed my concerns to her and she and I talked about it. On my way home, I came around to untying the knot of the problem. I resolved it. I sent her an email to that effect. It was not well-worded and it caused her some anxiety regarding the situation. I believe that this series of events set her to thinking that I would say something without actually saying it. She started at about that time to think that everything I said was loaded in some way.
This continued to get worse, and I responded by trying to soften and be terribly specific with everything I said. I think this invoked even more trouble, as she saw me saying things in a different way than I usually do and looked more thoroughly for problems. This really came to a head in the past few weeks. Every conversation we had was a minefield of my trying to say that I was not saying anything more and her insisting that I was saying more than I was typing or that I had an issue that I didn't recognize. Even when I was with her, I would try not to invoke that response and not say things I normally would say. This caused all kinds of problems, as she would sense something wrong and I would be unable to say what was going on in my hesitance to invoke the disbelief. Even after we "stepped back" she took something I said over text as some sort of passive-aggressive statement.
Add all this to the fact that I felt guilty over the initial problem (as I saw it) in letting that get the better of me and wanting to make up for it, and it was a perfect storm heading our way. There were other things in her life taking a severe emotional toll on her as well, so she was becoming more and more unable to handle things as she was previously.
So she wants to step back. And I will do that. As far as I am concerned, "friend" doesn't even describe what she is to me, and always will be. I love her in so many ways beyond "lover" as well. I will do whatever I can to support her. And if she needs me to step back and be a "friend" then I will do so. At least she knows that I am there, if she wants to pick it up again.
But one of my difficulties in this is seeing ways in which I could help her, but being unable to do so, or say how, because of the recent events. My observations of what she was doing to what I was saying are only recent, after we hashed it out, and she doesn't want to talk about it, any more. I don't want to bring it up for that reason, but I know it would help her in resolving situations and recognizing some things. There is so much I cannot say in respecting that friendship status, but it needs to be said and I am unsure what to do with that information because I don't want to mess with supporting her in other ways.
Now I still think about her all the time. I'm stuck with that. But when I do, with the love that I feel for her, it also invokes the knowledge that she is no longer willing to call me her boyfriend. She called me "my dude". I used to hear, "Any time, my dude." quite a bit. But now that I think about it, she hasn't done that in a while, even before that difficulty last winter, and I don't know why. I feel set adrift, without those moorings that knowing she was there for me provided.
It will work out how it works out. It's out of my hands, for the most part. All I can do is try to be the best friend possible and hope that some day she is in a healthier place. If that healthy place has to be without me in her life as her dude, then so be it. I just want her to be healthy and happy. I'll be okay with "just" friendship. Of course, I want more. But sometimes we can't get what we want.
To be fair, I've had more of her than I ever thought I deserved, and I wouldn't trade it for anything. She showed me how a relationship is supposed to be and I still have this love in my heart for her that I will never relinquish. I have her to thank for so much that has improved my life. I can't begrudge her the need to step back to preserve our regard for one another. And I will fill whatever role I need to be in her life.
I can understand why people apply spiritual concepts to matters of love. The emotions involved are quite intense. Even I was actually tempted to see my relationship with EJ as some sort of mechanism of fate. Everything with her seemed perfect. Hell, everything with her was nearly perfect.
The way we fit together, physically, emotionally, and intellectually amounted to what passed for perfect in my world. She was on my mind all the time. I would see something and think that EJ would love to hear about that. I would feel good just because I knew she was there, somewhere, loving me and being willing to call me her boyfriend. We were and are connected in ways that I can't even list, and some I can't sufficiently describe. We were together for nearly four years and up until recently, everything seemed so good. We even wondered when the NRE would go away, but it never did. We determined it was just chemistry.
I just hope she feels the same and can come around to me again, some day. In the mean-time we're trying this friends thing. And I will try my damnedest to support her as a friend.
One of the reasons for her needing to back off was that our communications were spiraling out of control. I would say something I thought was completely innocuous and she would take it the wrong way. It started out small, at first, with her believing me when I clarified. It used to be that she didn't need clarification. She got me in a way that no one else did at the time. She would automatically assume if I meant something, I would just come out and say it.
But back in the winter, I had some difficulty with a bit of depression and paranoia. I saw her filling places in her schedule with things that involved her new boyfriend and that somehow made me think that she had denied me those places. I know better. Hell, I should have known better, then. And I tried to work through this difficulty on my own. It was a mind worm I couldn't shake. But one day I expressed my concerns to her and she and I talked about it. On my way home, I came around to untying the knot of the problem. I resolved it. I sent her an email to that effect. It was not well-worded and it caused her some anxiety regarding the situation. I believe that this series of events set her to thinking that I would say something without actually saying it. She started at about that time to think that everything I said was loaded in some way.
This continued to get worse, and I responded by trying to soften and be terribly specific with everything I said. I think this invoked even more trouble, as she saw me saying things in a different way than I usually do and looked more thoroughly for problems. This really came to a head in the past few weeks. Every conversation we had was a minefield of my trying to say that I was not saying anything more and her insisting that I was saying more than I was typing or that I had an issue that I didn't recognize. Even when I was with her, I would try not to invoke that response and not say things I normally would say. This caused all kinds of problems, as she would sense something wrong and I would be unable to say what was going on in my hesitance to invoke the disbelief. Even after we "stepped back" she took something I said over text as some sort of passive-aggressive statement.
Add all this to the fact that I felt guilty over the initial problem (as I saw it) in letting that get the better of me and wanting to make up for it, and it was a perfect storm heading our way. There were other things in her life taking a severe emotional toll on her as well, so she was becoming more and more unable to handle things as she was previously.
So she wants to step back. And I will do that. As far as I am concerned, "friend" doesn't even describe what she is to me, and always will be. I love her in so many ways beyond "lover" as well. I will do whatever I can to support her. And if she needs me to step back and be a "friend" then I will do so. At least she knows that I am there, if she wants to pick it up again.
But one of my difficulties in this is seeing ways in which I could help her, but being unable to do so, or say how, because of the recent events. My observations of what she was doing to what I was saying are only recent, after we hashed it out, and she doesn't want to talk about it, any more. I don't want to bring it up for that reason, but I know it would help her in resolving situations and recognizing some things. There is so much I cannot say in respecting that friendship status, but it needs to be said and I am unsure what to do with that information because I don't want to mess with supporting her in other ways.
Now I still think about her all the time. I'm stuck with that. But when I do, with the love that I feel for her, it also invokes the knowledge that she is no longer willing to call me her boyfriend. She called me "my dude". I used to hear, "Any time, my dude." quite a bit. But now that I think about it, she hasn't done that in a while, even before that difficulty last winter, and I don't know why. I feel set adrift, without those moorings that knowing she was there for me provided.
It will work out how it works out. It's out of my hands, for the most part. All I can do is try to be the best friend possible and hope that some day she is in a healthier place. If that healthy place has to be without me in her life as her dude, then so be it. I just want her to be healthy and happy. I'll be okay with "just" friendship. Of course, I want more. But sometimes we can't get what we want.
To be fair, I've had more of her than I ever thought I deserved, and I wouldn't trade it for anything. She showed me how a relationship is supposed to be and I still have this love in my heart for her that I will never relinquish. I have her to thank for so much that has improved my life. I can't begrudge her the need to step back to preserve our regard for one another. And I will fill whatever role I need to be in her life.