(no subject)
Warning: Long, personal info crap.
I have been doing a lot of thinking. And much of my thinking has been me trying like hell to dredge up some memory, some tiniest iota of a recollection, of someone caring about me for real. And I have come to a disturbing yet unsurprising conclusion: I have two friends (one of whom is my woman) who have stood by me no matter what. That's it. No more. No less.
On one hand I realize I am lucky to have even that. Some people don't have anything or anyone to care about them. Jodi makes me happy on at least a daily basis and that's awesome. But when I use this as a litmus test for comparison, it's shockingly stupid how much I give to relationships against how much I have received. As for friendships, Bill is himself. He doesn't need to be anything else to be awesome.
Almost without exception I have been the butt of the joke in any relationship, whether it's just friends or with romantic relationships. Even the majority of my on-line friends like to have it on about me without my knowing, as past experience tells. Some do it actively and some do it just by not standing up for the people they know.
With friends I am almost invariably talked about behind my back and made the goofy fuckwad. This is not paranoia. I have listened and I have observed. I am much more canny than people give me credit for. I also have better hearing and at the time I had a little tape recorder with tiny tapes. Is it paranoia if you have proof? That thing was pretty neat until it stopped recording without holding down the button. In this capacity you can take everything here to the fucking bank because it's stuff I've heard first-hand or through more than one really reliable witnesses. I had to tape it down after a while. It's really annoying being the butt of the joke and kind of going with it. These people are friends and you're supposed to stick with friends, right?
Fuck that.
Now I am not talking about the fly-by-night friendly idiots, like that bunch in Delta Tau Delta who played at making an important organization. Every fraternity I've ever observed has been an extension of kids playing club in the back yard and nothing more. Except they get drunk every now and then. I still don't think they get it. It was funny yo see my "big brother" acting all concerned about me when I was kicked out, like he thought I would get all suicidal over a bunch of cave-morons. But it saved me the decision to tell them all to fuck off.
Here is a fine example of how "friends" go with me: When I was in college the first time around, I roomed with my "friend", David. He met him when I was thirteen and we seemed to hit it off at the time. But his friendship only lasted so long as he wasn't able to put me down to bring himself up. This fuck-stick, Ferris, showed up one day, and I played the asshole of the group after that. David let himself be manipulated by this idiot for the longest time, putting me at odds with him and generally making David into his tool. It's interesting that they gave me little credit for my intelligence or awareness since I listened in on some revealing conversations in various and sundry ways. After that, when I lived with him in college, he fucking went crazy, in addition to being a complete tool. It was my turn to manipulate him. But I only did it for his own good. I would talk him into doing things or not doing things, as the case may be, so that he thought these were his own ideas.
But even as he acted like he was trying to be my friend, he was still talking shit behind my back, telling people I lived in my own filth and that I was a horrible person and a pervert. He'd talk about all the stuff he'd find in my room when he went snooping and all the horrible, nasty secrets I kept. I can't even relate some of the crap he said to people. It was pretty horrible. I know he killed a cat and put it under my room, because he was telling someone that I had done the same thing even before I was aware of the damned thing and it started stinking up my room. He sabotaged me every chance he got, from women I was interested in to D&D groups with whom I started. His jackassery even extended to my own little projects, like my lead drop castle. Maybe it didn't seem important to anyone else, but his going into my room and throwing it away still frosts my fucking shorts. He even introduced me to the worst factor in my life to day: Theresa. And I found out later that he did so intentionally with malice aforethought.
Here's a funny thing, though, and it kind of cements him into anything BUT my friend: He later admitted to me that he used to sneak into my room and hold a knife to my throat and debate whether to kill me.
I haven't considered him a friend for a long time, even though I worked to help him. He doesn't know it, and that's the way I want it. I don't suppose it really matters, now, as we are so far apart in so many ways.
This sort of thing happens with nearly every friend I have had in my life. He might be the worst, and maybe even the first, but he is by no means the last.
Take this asshole who recently has tried to contact me, for instance: Leonard Jackson. This fellow fits perfectly my criteria for non-sentient humans. He was a vile and self-centered asshole who got into my good graces at one point and I stuck by him. He'd talk about me behind my back, and sometimes in front of me. But he'd always do anything to sabotage me. If he saw me being successful in my attempts to approach a woman, he'd be the first to shoot me down in front of her. He was the opposite of a wing-man. And if he was called on his bullshit, he'd act all hurt and pouty, and just keep on doing it. He also cheated on his girlfriend without hesitation, repeatedly and often. I'd be surprised if he's grown up at all or developed any sort of sentience. I know for a fact he pursued a 14-year-old girl, Holly's sister, just before I joined the Army. I also know for a fact he was telling people that I was the one who was pursuing her to blow smoke and allay the suspicion from himself. As I said: he was a vile asshole.
I am sure you see where I am going with this. These might have been the worst, but others have played along and almost none have stood up for me. I think one person did because she was actually honest and didn't buy into the bullshit: Diana from one of my D&D groups. She wasn't really interested in being my friend, but she also, to my perception, wasn't interested in being part of my anti-groupies. She was a good person. That's all it takes, sometimes.
Now for the girls in my life. Oh the lovely line of jackassery, there. Not one had me in her heart first and foremost. Every single one cheated on me. Many used me as their own personal villain. My first girlfriend, Sherry, was at least dumb enough not to be sneaky and conniving. She was the lady of Vidalia, fucking everyone she met but me. I'm glad, though. That taught me a lot. She convinced my mom, somehow, that I had sex with her. The aforementioned Ferris used to love to rub it in my nose that he'd been there, and done that and I hadn't. Oh wow! You swim in shit? Can I get some of that?
Next came Lynn, who only made out with me to piss off her parents. When that didn't work and they were happy she had someone with some quality and intelligence, she dropped me like a hot brick after her dad caught us in a clinch and he was reported as coming to the table with a face-splitting grin.
Then came Mike. She was Jennifer Michelle Kinion, but she told me her dad called her Mike because he wanted a boy or some stupid bullshit. She later told folks I called her Mike because I wished she was a guy. Ain't that a hoot? Anyway, she was David's squeeze until I came home one day after running from the college. I was pretty well-built then and in great shape. She had that look and flirted with me shamelessly. A few days later she dropped Dave. The next day she asked me out. David said he didn't care so I went. The next fall we were supposed to get an apartment together. Just a week before, she did a complete 180 and told me she didn't want to have a sexual relationship. A week after we moved in, I heard her talking on the phone. She said, "I love you." at the end of the conversation. I went and pressed redial and Dane answered. This guy was like a short Ferris, but more clean-cut. We talked for a bit, as he claimed to be my friend at the time. At the end of the conversation I asked for his number. He said, "Didn't you just call me?" I said, "No, I pressed redial."
"Dude." he quipped.
After that she moved out and spread all kinds of horrible rumors about me, perpetuating a lot of the stuff David had told her. But then she also claimed to be a vampire. It was amusing when she ran into me later and asked how things were. I told her I was just tired of peoples' shit. She said, "Oh." and left. I didn't mean her, but I am glad she took it that way. I found out later she joined the police department. She even went out with David again, years later.
Then came Theresa. But you all know about her. I learned all kinds of things about her at the end. We visited Georgia after we'd decided to separate. We didn't really advertise it to her family or most of our friends. She was actually fucking someone pretty regularly long, long before we even decided to break up. It just so happened his wife's unit and my unit generally went to the field at the same times and they'd make a vacation of it.
When we went to Georgia, I met S. She was pretty neat. And I thought maybe I had found a soul-mate. But no. While the cards were stacked in our favor, I became her villain, too, eventually, even though we had little contact after that, I still apparently did and said all kinds of crazy, dastardly things about which I had no knowledge.
Plus she had to "try things with Don", another loathsome excuse for a human being. Why am I never the one someone has to "try things with"? I guess I am the chump they expect to hang around or to always be there? I don't know. But I really must be more discerning.
I met April after that. She was pretty cool, until she went fucking bat-shit insane, like the previous one. She also tried things with the same Don. They met on the MUD. Isn't weird how these things work? By the time I visited there in Georgia where she'd run off to, he was feeling pretty smug. Till I fucked his wife in the living room next to his bedroom. I think that was the only time I'd ever had sex with some other intention than love and mutual pleasure. She knew, though. We were friends and we'd talked about it. She was in it for the same things I was. Feeling good and getting back. What's funny is that later on he admitted to hearing us (intended on my part) and acting all hurt about it. "You screwed my wife! How DARE YOU!?" WAAH WAAH! I rubbed it in by propositioning Beth, April, AND their friend, ("Sunshine" on the MUD, I think,) right there in front of him. I think she'd have gone for it but "Sunshine" was a virgin. She whispered in April's ear and April in mine. That was kinda hot. Some of this might sound a little bad, eh? At least I didn't cheat on anyone or hide it. I was in a little bit of a fucked up place by then and honestly I was a little out for blood.
There was a spark with S, later, though. And that was odd. I thought we had something until she ran away too. Just up and RAN away from me in her own apartment. I quietly left after that. I am pretty sure she wanted me to follow her, but I was done with the drama shit by that time. But then she couldn't even be happy for me when I met Jodi. She had to be insulting even then.
Since then, Jodi has pretty much stuck by me through thick and thin. We've had some problems and we've both had some issues. Jodi, especially, found being free difficult. But when that Stacy thing hit, she woke up and we haven't looked back since I DXed Stacy's ass. She's come a long way and things are just getting better. But she's still the only woman who hasn't talked about me behind my back or made me her villain. Our problems are our problems. She loves me for me, and loved me for me even through all the shit.
So there are two who have stuck with me through it all, the bad and the good. Hope I can find more. I suspect there are a few still who haven't been given the chance. But even then my cup runs over.
I have been doing a lot of thinking. And much of my thinking has been me trying like hell to dredge up some memory, some tiniest iota of a recollection, of someone caring about me for real. And I have come to a disturbing yet unsurprising conclusion: I have two friends (one of whom is my woman) who have stood by me no matter what. That's it. No more. No less.
On one hand I realize I am lucky to have even that. Some people don't have anything or anyone to care about them. Jodi makes me happy on at least a daily basis and that's awesome. But when I use this as a litmus test for comparison, it's shockingly stupid how much I give to relationships against how much I have received. As for friendships, Bill is himself. He doesn't need to be anything else to be awesome.
Almost without exception I have been the butt of the joke in any relationship, whether it's just friends or with romantic relationships. Even the majority of my on-line friends like to have it on about me without my knowing, as past experience tells. Some do it actively and some do it just by not standing up for the people they know.
With friends I am almost invariably talked about behind my back and made the goofy fuckwad. This is not paranoia. I have listened and I have observed. I am much more canny than people give me credit for. I also have better hearing and at the time I had a little tape recorder with tiny tapes. Is it paranoia if you have proof? That thing was pretty neat until it stopped recording without holding down the button. In this capacity you can take everything here to the fucking bank because it's stuff I've heard first-hand or through more than one really reliable witnesses. I had to tape it down after a while. It's really annoying being the butt of the joke and kind of going with it. These people are friends and you're supposed to stick with friends, right?
Fuck that.
Now I am not talking about the fly-by-night friendly idiots, like that bunch in Delta Tau Delta who played at making an important organization. Every fraternity I've ever observed has been an extension of kids playing club in the back yard and nothing more. Except they get drunk every now and then. I still don't think they get it. It was funny yo see my "big brother" acting all concerned about me when I was kicked out, like he thought I would get all suicidal over a bunch of cave-morons. But it saved me the decision to tell them all to fuck off.
Here is a fine example of how "friends" go with me: When I was in college the first time around, I roomed with my "friend", David. He met him when I was thirteen and we seemed to hit it off at the time. But his friendship only lasted so long as he wasn't able to put me down to bring himself up. This fuck-stick, Ferris, showed up one day, and I played the asshole of the group after that. David let himself be manipulated by this idiot for the longest time, putting me at odds with him and generally making David into his tool. It's interesting that they gave me little credit for my intelligence or awareness since I listened in on some revealing conversations in various and sundry ways. After that, when I lived with him in college, he fucking went crazy, in addition to being a complete tool. It was my turn to manipulate him. But I only did it for his own good. I would talk him into doing things or not doing things, as the case may be, so that he thought these were his own ideas.
But even as he acted like he was trying to be my friend, he was still talking shit behind my back, telling people I lived in my own filth and that I was a horrible person and a pervert. He'd talk about all the stuff he'd find in my room when he went snooping and all the horrible, nasty secrets I kept. I can't even relate some of the crap he said to people. It was pretty horrible. I know he killed a cat and put it under my room, because he was telling someone that I had done the same thing even before I was aware of the damned thing and it started stinking up my room. He sabotaged me every chance he got, from women I was interested in to D&D groups with whom I started. His jackassery even extended to my own little projects, like my lead drop castle. Maybe it didn't seem important to anyone else, but his going into my room and throwing it away still frosts my fucking shorts. He even introduced me to the worst factor in my life to day: Theresa. And I found out later that he did so intentionally with malice aforethought.
Here's a funny thing, though, and it kind of cements him into anything BUT my friend: He later admitted to me that he used to sneak into my room and hold a knife to my throat and debate whether to kill me.
I haven't considered him a friend for a long time, even though I worked to help him. He doesn't know it, and that's the way I want it. I don't suppose it really matters, now, as we are so far apart in so many ways.
This sort of thing happens with nearly every friend I have had in my life. He might be the worst, and maybe even the first, but he is by no means the last.
Take this asshole who recently has tried to contact me, for instance: Leonard Jackson. This fellow fits perfectly my criteria for non-sentient humans. He was a vile and self-centered asshole who got into my good graces at one point and I stuck by him. He'd talk about me behind my back, and sometimes in front of me. But he'd always do anything to sabotage me. If he saw me being successful in my attempts to approach a woman, he'd be the first to shoot me down in front of her. He was the opposite of a wing-man. And if he was called on his bullshit, he'd act all hurt and pouty, and just keep on doing it. He also cheated on his girlfriend without hesitation, repeatedly and often. I'd be surprised if he's grown up at all or developed any sort of sentience. I know for a fact he pursued a 14-year-old girl, Holly's sister, just before I joined the Army. I also know for a fact he was telling people that I was the one who was pursuing her to blow smoke and allay the suspicion from himself. As I said: he was a vile asshole.
I am sure you see where I am going with this. These might have been the worst, but others have played along and almost none have stood up for me. I think one person did because she was actually honest and didn't buy into the bullshit: Diana from one of my D&D groups. She wasn't really interested in being my friend, but she also, to my perception, wasn't interested in being part of my anti-groupies. She was a good person. That's all it takes, sometimes.
Now for the girls in my life. Oh the lovely line of jackassery, there. Not one had me in her heart first and foremost. Every single one cheated on me. Many used me as their own personal villain. My first girlfriend, Sherry, was at least dumb enough not to be sneaky and conniving. She was the lady of Vidalia, fucking everyone she met but me. I'm glad, though. That taught me a lot. She convinced my mom, somehow, that I had sex with her. The aforementioned Ferris used to love to rub it in my nose that he'd been there, and done that and I hadn't. Oh wow! You swim in shit? Can I get some of that?
Next came Lynn, who only made out with me to piss off her parents. When that didn't work and they were happy she had someone with some quality and intelligence, she dropped me like a hot brick after her dad caught us in a clinch and he was reported as coming to the table with a face-splitting grin.
Then came Mike. She was Jennifer Michelle Kinion, but she told me her dad called her Mike because he wanted a boy or some stupid bullshit. She later told folks I called her Mike because I wished she was a guy. Ain't that a hoot? Anyway, she was David's squeeze until I came home one day after running from the college. I was pretty well-built then and in great shape. She had that look and flirted with me shamelessly. A few days later she dropped Dave. The next day she asked me out. David said he didn't care so I went. The next fall we were supposed to get an apartment together. Just a week before, she did a complete 180 and told me she didn't want to have a sexual relationship. A week after we moved in, I heard her talking on the phone. She said, "I love you." at the end of the conversation. I went and pressed redial and Dane answered. This guy was like a short Ferris, but more clean-cut. We talked for a bit, as he claimed to be my friend at the time. At the end of the conversation I asked for his number. He said, "Didn't you just call me?" I said, "No, I pressed redial."
"Dude." he quipped.
After that she moved out and spread all kinds of horrible rumors about me, perpetuating a lot of the stuff David had told her. But then she also claimed to be a vampire. It was amusing when she ran into me later and asked how things were. I told her I was just tired of peoples' shit. She said, "Oh." and left. I didn't mean her, but I am glad she took it that way. I found out later she joined the police department. She even went out with David again, years later.
Then came Theresa. But you all know about her. I learned all kinds of things about her at the end. We visited Georgia after we'd decided to separate. We didn't really advertise it to her family or most of our friends. She was actually fucking someone pretty regularly long, long before we even decided to break up. It just so happened his wife's unit and my unit generally went to the field at the same times and they'd make a vacation of it.
When we went to Georgia, I met S. She was pretty neat. And I thought maybe I had found a soul-mate. But no. While the cards were stacked in our favor, I became her villain, too, eventually, even though we had little contact after that, I still apparently did and said all kinds of crazy, dastardly things about which I had no knowledge.
Plus she had to "try things with Don", another loathsome excuse for a human being. Why am I never the one someone has to "try things with"? I guess I am the chump they expect to hang around or to always be there? I don't know. But I really must be more discerning.
I met April after that. She was pretty cool, until she went fucking bat-shit insane, like the previous one. She also tried things with the same Don. They met on the MUD. Isn't weird how these things work? By the time I visited there in Georgia where she'd run off to, he was feeling pretty smug. Till I fucked his wife in the living room next to his bedroom. I think that was the only time I'd ever had sex with some other intention than love and mutual pleasure. She knew, though. We were friends and we'd talked about it. She was in it for the same things I was. Feeling good and getting back. What's funny is that later on he admitted to hearing us (intended on my part) and acting all hurt about it. "You screwed my wife! How DARE YOU!?" WAAH WAAH! I rubbed it in by propositioning Beth, April, AND their friend, ("Sunshine" on the MUD, I think,) right there in front of him. I think she'd have gone for it but "Sunshine" was a virgin. She whispered in April's ear and April in mine. That was kinda hot. Some of this might sound a little bad, eh? At least I didn't cheat on anyone or hide it. I was in a little bit of a fucked up place by then and honestly I was a little out for blood.
There was a spark with S, later, though. And that was odd. I thought we had something until she ran away too. Just up and RAN away from me in her own apartment. I quietly left after that. I am pretty sure she wanted me to follow her, but I was done with the drama shit by that time. But then she couldn't even be happy for me when I met Jodi. She had to be insulting even then.
Since then, Jodi has pretty much stuck by me through thick and thin. We've had some problems and we've both had some issues. Jodi, especially, found being free difficult. But when that Stacy thing hit, she woke up and we haven't looked back since I DXed Stacy's ass. She's come a long way and things are just getting better. But she's still the only woman who hasn't talked about me behind my back or made me her villain. Our problems are our problems. She loves me for me, and loved me for me even through all the shit.
So there are two who have stuck with me through it all, the bad and the good. Hope I can find more. I suspect there are a few still who haven't been given the chance. But even then my cup runs over.