I need sleep...and a vacation...
I don't want to wake up anymore with racing thoughts about my job. Especially not on a Sunday. I am so tired of caring, especially about one particular family who I thought I was transferring to another worker on Friday but it didn't happen...it will happen yet though...
I know that I haven't worked particularly well with this family. I really do not think I was a good match as a caseworker for them. But because of several circumstances, this particular family has taken up a lot of my time, so I've spent a lot of time with the little girls and I just so badly want to see them succeed. On the other hand, I really don't want to care anymore. No other case has made me this sleepless. It's truly maddening. I want them to get another caseworker, one who jives more with the family. I want those girls to go home but I don't know how best to help their parent accomplish it well. I hate not knowing how to help. Hate it.
I went out to dinner with Caitlin tonight, which was immensely helpful, but I think we were both in sucky moods to start out with. Definitely being with friends lifts my mood, so it did help significantly, but then an ex walked into the bar. I hate how I react when I see him. It had been so long since I'd seen him, I was so sure he was gone from Corvallis. I never even had that strong of feelings for him quite honestly and I don't know why it shakes me up so badly when I see him, except that at least my perception of what happened is that he treated me pretty badly and took advantage of the fact that I was already in one of my more difficult periods of my life. (trust me, I've been ten rounds with myself over this one...If I'm not actually around him, I am so indifferent, so over it, I REALLY don't know why I feel so shaken when I see him.) Anyway, regardless of the reason, it does tend to shake me up. I blamed it on being cold, but my hands started shaking uncontrollably as I was trying to maintain a conversation with Caitlin. He was standing at the bar so close to our table...after about 5 minutes he walked out. I'm just glad he didn't acknowledge me. I just really never want to interact with him. I feel like such a b* writing all this. I'm not saying I was perfect or I did everything right, and I know I wasn't...fully...me during that period of my life, but some things he said and did are pretty damaging...still. I wish him no malice I just don't want anything to do with him.
So I'm a little edgy right now but I really need to fall back asleep.
I guess I really need to practice what I preach. I know where my strength is:
I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living.
Wait for the LORD;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD. (Psalm 27:13-14)
I know that I haven't worked particularly well with this family. I really do not think I was a good match as a caseworker for them. But because of several circumstances, this particular family has taken up a lot of my time, so I've spent a lot of time with the little girls and I just so badly want to see them succeed. On the other hand, I really don't want to care anymore. No other case has made me this sleepless. It's truly maddening. I want them to get another caseworker, one who jives more with the family. I want those girls to go home but I don't know how best to help their parent accomplish it well. I hate not knowing how to help. Hate it.
I went out to dinner with Caitlin tonight, which was immensely helpful, but I think we were both in sucky moods to start out with. Definitely being with friends lifts my mood, so it did help significantly, but then an ex walked into the bar. I hate how I react when I see him. It had been so long since I'd seen him, I was so sure he was gone from Corvallis. I never even had that strong of feelings for him quite honestly and I don't know why it shakes me up so badly when I see him, except that at least my perception of what happened is that he treated me pretty badly and took advantage of the fact that I was already in one of my more difficult periods of my life. (trust me, I've been ten rounds with myself over this one...If I'm not actually around him, I am so indifferent, so over it, I REALLY don't know why I feel so shaken when I see him.) Anyway, regardless of the reason, it does tend to shake me up. I blamed it on being cold, but my hands started shaking uncontrollably as I was trying to maintain a conversation with Caitlin. He was standing at the bar so close to our table...after about 5 minutes he walked out. I'm just glad he didn't acknowledge me. I just really never want to interact with him. I feel like such a b* writing all this. I'm not saying I was perfect or I did everything right, and I know I wasn't...fully...me during that period of my life, but some things he said and did are pretty damaging...still. I wish him no malice I just don't want anything to do with him.
So I'm a little edgy right now but I really need to fall back asleep.
I guess I really need to practice what I preach. I know where my strength is:
I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living.
Wait for the LORD;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD. (Psalm 27:13-14)