I Saw Her Today at the Reception (aka You Can't Always Get What You Want)
This weekend was the wedding of some good friends of mine. I was excited to go, as I was there to see the relationship unfold and blossom. I'm proud of both bride and groom and extremely happy for them. (The groom has been best friends with my brother for years...we used to hate each other and fight like cats and dogs until about 6 years ago at a retreat when we decided to be friends, and he has called me his "other big sister" ever since then. I've known the bride through church for a very long time, we were on the core team in high school together when I was a senior and she was a sophomore and we worked together on many projects.)
However, it's been a kind of crazy couple of weeks. A lot of the emotional stability I have been feeling for months has crumbled a little, not completely by any means, I'm still quite a stable person. It all started when I suddenly realized that I'm 24, my friends are starting to get married or getting into relationships, and while I know that I'm not the ONLY single one, it feels that way on occasion, and that's something I really want in my life. Ok there are several things I really want in my life. All of them I am making progress toward except THAT one, because I don't really know how.
Here's how I've been feeling. I feel like there was some point when I was younger that I was supposed to pick up on how to attract men. (More importantly, how to attract the kind of men that I want to date.) However, there was a hang-up because I had a really distorted body image and did not, in fact, recognize that I am not "fat" until I was 22 years old. I never thought I was thin enough or pretty enough for a boyfriend. (BTW, I hate how this paragraph sounds already. I DON'T mean to be whiny. There were a LOT of good things that happened as a result of me NOT being in and out of bad relationships, and the body image thing...well, in working through it I ended up gaining a lot of insight that I think others out there don't have. No regrets, this is just how it ended up being.)
So here I am, 24 years old, and never been in a relationship that felt real. (Can you really count high school--especially if you were 15? And then the one in college...on and off for 3 months, and kind of a baaaaaad situation.) And I hate sounding whiny, but I do get insecure sometimes, wondering if it could ever be real for me. Good lord I want to be able to raise a family someday. And to create a situation where I can love freely, no holding back.
Back to the wedding scenario. Beautiful wedding mass. How I love Catholic weddings. The focus is in all the right places, and it truly does involve the community and the church. Then came the reception.
The first little chunk that got chipped away from my sanity came when I was talking to Katie and Kathleen. I have been amazingly un-jealous about Katie being engaged. Amazingly. And it's not some act. I am really, really happy for her and that's about it. Kathleen is this friend of mine who became friends with Katie, and now she is closer to Katie than she is to me. (That's perfectly fine, they clicked better, it's never really bothered me.) Kathleen just got into a relationship, one that I think we've all seen coming for about 6 years now, and I'm super happy for her too. I just happened to pop in for the wrong part of the conversation--in which Katie was saying to Kathleen "The four of us will have to do something sometime!"
Since we were little, Katie and I have talked about doing double dates. It's something that I've always looked forward to. That we could share in similar stages in our lives like that. I guess if you want to get technical, it happened once. I mean, we were so young that Katie's mom drove us. Nearly a decade ago now. It's just something that I want to experience in more of an adult sense. And really, I realize I'm being kind of a baby for getting so jealous that Kathleen was going to get to have a double date with Katie before me. It just also kinda further rubs in...the Kim thing. Katie's fiance Jeremy used to room with this guy Joe before Joe got married. Joe got married to Kim, who was one of my very best friends in high school. So Katie has had a double date with Kim a couple of times too. I so badly want to be a part of that kind of thing too. I want to go on a triple date with Kim and Katie! I just don't see it happening anytime soon and that frustrates me.
I also hate it that I'm so impatient. I know it hasn't happened yet for a reason. And I have so many blessings in my life. I promise, I don't normally focus on all this negative stuff. And it's not that I don't want Katie and Kathleen hanging out together and doing the double date thing, especially not on account of my own sucky feelings. That's not it at all. It's just that Katie's been my best friend...literally my entire life...and it kinda sucks that my other friends can do stuff with her that I cant...but that I badly want to do. Does that make sense at all?
Ugh. And then my old youth minister came up to me at this wedding. My old youth minister...from Mt. Angel...town of 3500 people...maybe. The town where it is out of the ordinary to even go to college, but if more than 3 months goes by after graduating college and you're not at least engaged...then seriously, what's wrong with you? (Is it any wonder I haven't moved back?) We used to be so tight. I was kind of her protege. I would tell her EVERYTHING. At one point, that all kind of fell apart, I kind of lost a lot of respect for her (LONG story...), but she came up to me, and grabbed my left hand to inspect for a ring before she even said anything to me. "No ring on your finger?" she asked after a thorough inspection. "Nope, not yet," I said, trying to smile but probably a grimace was the best I could muster at that point. "Oh, anyone who MIGHT give you a ring anytime soon?" "Nope." "Anyone you have a crush on?" "Not really, the last one didn't pan out, he didn't really like me back." "Oh, well, there are plenty of ex-seminarians here!" (I wanted to say "I'm not going down that road, I've been badly, badly burned by testing out that one before." but I didn't want to sound more negative than I already was, so I kept my mouth shut and just smiled.) Then there was a significant lack of her asking me about anything ELSE going on in my life.
And she wasn't the only one who at least briefly asked me about my love life, or lack thereof. However, nobody really seemed interested in me having a bachelor's degree or a really interesting and exciting job that pays well and is a good start to my career in this field.
So I started to get down. And I'm normally a pretty positive and energetic person. But I had started to break down by that point, and after I get to the beginning of a breakdown, there's no stopping it until I've had a good meltdown bawl-fest. Which is a little hard to do in the middle of a wedding reception.
I lasted there a surprising amount of time. More than 4 hours, actually. Then I even made it home, calmly called my friends Caitlin, Erin, and Ben and arranged to go see a late showing of a movie. I almost got to Erin's apartment (half hour drive) before the meltdown started. By the way, if you're ever doing 70 down the freeway and start sobbing hysterically, people look at you funny. It was my one little piece of entertainment thrown in the mix that actually made me giggle a little through my sobs.
Oh and once a meltdown starts, it doesn't stop til it stops. I went and parked BEHIND Erin's apartment so nobody I knew would see me, and sat there sobbing for probably 20 to 30 minutes. I felt better afterwards, and by the end of the evening with my supremely entertaining friends, it was at least temporarily forgotten.
But it is still bugging me somewhat today. Not in that "I can't even stop dwelling on it, no matter how hard I try and something in my chest actually physically hurts" kind of way. I'm able to push it away and focus on the good stuff most of the time.
Unfortunately, when you choose to have values like not wanting to have sex until you get married, you also choose a much smaller pool of men from which to pick. They do exist. I know they do. I've met plenty. It's just finding one of THEM that I'm attracted to (and I'm not THAT picky past the chastity part...), and I've found them....my problem comes in finding a guy who a) has the same values on purity that I do b) that I'm attracted to and c) is attracted to me, too.
So far, he has not existed in my sphere.
I really hope he's out there.
Meanwhile, I'm also kinda stressed about my job. I don't mean to sound conceited, but aspects of me...I'm definitely cut out for this line of work. The feedback I get from my superiors says that I do a good job in showing compassion and understanding, do a good job of seeing the overall "big picture" of child safety, and I know for my own self that I'm good with boundaries. During work hours, I worry about my kids. I'm supposed to. I mean, not like obsessively worry, but go through my head and think about what they might be needing and put myself in their shoes and think of how much their situations just, frankly, suck. but I do a good job of not taking that home with me. (That doesn't do anybody any good.)
The problem is, I'm not very organized. Paperwork...can be problematic. Sometimes smaller details escape me. Court and all the legal stuff still terrifies me, although I notice that being remedied (VERY SLOWLY) over time. So I take that home with me. I literally, lately have been lying awake in bed having a hard time falling asleep 2-3 nights per week, wondering if I've completed everything I'm supposed to. I worry a lot about getting fired. You almost have to TRY to get fired after your first year, but when you're on trial service, they can fire you for just about anything. I've kind of even seen it happen. I don't know what I would do if I lost my job. It would put such an enormous dent in my career.
And it's so tempting to think..."And then...what would I have?" I would have my friends and family...and I am certainly proud of them...but still...being 24, not married, no boyfriend, bachelor's degree in sociology, and schlepping groceries at Safeway?
So really, what this is, is almost an identity crisis. I know where my identity is SUPPOSED to be, but my prayer life is still incredibly weak. I think I need to start paper journaling again. That's the easiest form of prayer for me, and I know that a stronger prayer life is what I need right now, more than anything.
If you made it ALLLL the way through this whiney entry, I owe you some serious chocolate or something.
I promise, I am still a positive person. I am not usually the type to cry and moan about being single, and I'm actually pretty frustrated with myself for my attitude over the past couple of days. This was a lot of ranting that needed to come out, so now we are back to our regularly scheduled program, the one where Megan is happy and uplifting and positive.
Ready, go.
However, it's been a kind of crazy couple of weeks. A lot of the emotional stability I have been feeling for months has crumbled a little, not completely by any means, I'm still quite a stable person. It all started when I suddenly realized that I'm 24, my friends are starting to get married or getting into relationships, and while I know that I'm not the ONLY single one, it feels that way on occasion, and that's something I really want in my life. Ok there are several things I really want in my life. All of them I am making progress toward except THAT one, because I don't really know how.
Here's how I've been feeling. I feel like there was some point when I was younger that I was supposed to pick up on how to attract men. (More importantly, how to attract the kind of men that I want to date.) However, there was a hang-up because I had a really distorted body image and did not, in fact, recognize that I am not "fat" until I was 22 years old. I never thought I was thin enough or pretty enough for a boyfriend. (BTW, I hate how this paragraph sounds already. I DON'T mean to be whiny. There were a LOT of good things that happened as a result of me NOT being in and out of bad relationships, and the body image thing...well, in working through it I ended up gaining a lot of insight that I think others out there don't have. No regrets, this is just how it ended up being.)
So here I am, 24 years old, and never been in a relationship that felt real. (Can you really count high school--especially if you were 15? And then the one in college...on and off for 3 months, and kind of a baaaaaad situation.) And I hate sounding whiny, but I do get insecure sometimes, wondering if it could ever be real for me. Good lord I want to be able to raise a family someday. And to create a situation where I can love freely, no holding back.
Back to the wedding scenario. Beautiful wedding mass. How I love Catholic weddings. The focus is in all the right places, and it truly does involve the community and the church. Then came the reception.
The first little chunk that got chipped away from my sanity came when I was talking to Katie and Kathleen. I have been amazingly un-jealous about Katie being engaged. Amazingly. And it's not some act. I am really, really happy for her and that's about it. Kathleen is this friend of mine who became friends with Katie, and now she is closer to Katie than she is to me. (That's perfectly fine, they clicked better, it's never really bothered me.) Kathleen just got into a relationship, one that I think we've all seen coming for about 6 years now, and I'm super happy for her too. I just happened to pop in for the wrong part of the conversation--in which Katie was saying to Kathleen "The four of us will have to do something sometime!"
Since we were little, Katie and I have talked about doing double dates. It's something that I've always looked forward to. That we could share in similar stages in our lives like that. I guess if you want to get technical, it happened once. I mean, we were so young that Katie's mom drove us. Nearly a decade ago now. It's just something that I want to experience in more of an adult sense. And really, I realize I'm being kind of a baby for getting so jealous that Kathleen was going to get to have a double date with Katie before me. It just also kinda further rubs in...the Kim thing. Katie's fiance Jeremy used to room with this guy Joe before Joe got married. Joe got married to Kim, who was one of my very best friends in high school. So Katie has had a double date with Kim a couple of times too. I so badly want to be a part of that kind of thing too. I want to go on a triple date with Kim and Katie! I just don't see it happening anytime soon and that frustrates me.
I also hate it that I'm so impatient. I know it hasn't happened yet for a reason. And I have so many blessings in my life. I promise, I don't normally focus on all this negative stuff. And it's not that I don't want Katie and Kathleen hanging out together and doing the double date thing, especially not on account of my own sucky feelings. That's not it at all. It's just that Katie's been my best friend...literally my entire life...and it kinda sucks that my other friends can do stuff with her that I cant...but that I badly want to do. Does that make sense at all?
Ugh. And then my old youth minister came up to me at this wedding. My old youth minister...from Mt. Angel...town of 3500 people...maybe. The town where it is out of the ordinary to even go to college, but if more than 3 months goes by after graduating college and you're not at least engaged...then seriously, what's wrong with you? (Is it any wonder I haven't moved back?) We used to be so tight. I was kind of her protege. I would tell her EVERYTHING. At one point, that all kind of fell apart, I kind of lost a lot of respect for her (LONG story...), but she came up to me, and grabbed my left hand to inspect for a ring before she even said anything to me. "No ring on your finger?" she asked after a thorough inspection. "Nope, not yet," I said, trying to smile but probably a grimace was the best I could muster at that point. "Oh, anyone who MIGHT give you a ring anytime soon?" "Nope." "Anyone you have a crush on?" "Not really, the last one didn't pan out, he didn't really like me back." "Oh, well, there are plenty of ex-seminarians here!" (I wanted to say "I'm not going down that road, I've been badly, badly burned by testing out that one before." but I didn't want to sound more negative than I already was, so I kept my mouth shut and just smiled.) Then there was a significant lack of her asking me about anything ELSE going on in my life.
And she wasn't the only one who at least briefly asked me about my love life, or lack thereof. However, nobody really seemed interested in me having a bachelor's degree or a really interesting and exciting job that pays well and is a good start to my career in this field.
So I started to get down. And I'm normally a pretty positive and energetic person. But I had started to break down by that point, and after I get to the beginning of a breakdown, there's no stopping it until I've had a good meltdown bawl-fest. Which is a little hard to do in the middle of a wedding reception.
I lasted there a surprising amount of time. More than 4 hours, actually. Then I even made it home, calmly called my friends Caitlin, Erin, and Ben and arranged to go see a late showing of a movie. I almost got to Erin's apartment (half hour drive) before the meltdown started. By the way, if you're ever doing 70 down the freeway and start sobbing hysterically, people look at you funny. It was my one little piece of entertainment thrown in the mix that actually made me giggle a little through my sobs.
Oh and once a meltdown starts, it doesn't stop til it stops. I went and parked BEHIND Erin's apartment so nobody I knew would see me, and sat there sobbing for probably 20 to 30 minutes. I felt better afterwards, and by the end of the evening with my supremely entertaining friends, it was at least temporarily forgotten.
But it is still bugging me somewhat today. Not in that "I can't even stop dwelling on it, no matter how hard I try and something in my chest actually physically hurts" kind of way. I'm able to push it away and focus on the good stuff most of the time.
Unfortunately, when you choose to have values like not wanting to have sex until you get married, you also choose a much smaller pool of men from which to pick. They do exist. I know they do. I've met plenty. It's just finding one of THEM that I'm attracted to (and I'm not THAT picky past the chastity part...), and I've found them....my problem comes in finding a guy who a) has the same values on purity that I do b) that I'm attracted to and c) is attracted to me, too.
So far, he has not existed in my sphere.
I really hope he's out there.
Meanwhile, I'm also kinda stressed about my job. I don't mean to sound conceited, but aspects of me...I'm definitely cut out for this line of work. The feedback I get from my superiors says that I do a good job in showing compassion and understanding, do a good job of seeing the overall "big picture" of child safety, and I know for my own self that I'm good with boundaries. During work hours, I worry about my kids. I'm supposed to. I mean, not like obsessively worry, but go through my head and think about what they might be needing and put myself in their shoes and think of how much their situations just, frankly, suck. but I do a good job of not taking that home with me. (That doesn't do anybody any good.)
The problem is, I'm not very organized. Paperwork...can be problematic. Sometimes smaller details escape me. Court and all the legal stuff still terrifies me, although I notice that being remedied (VERY SLOWLY) over time. So I take that home with me. I literally, lately have been lying awake in bed having a hard time falling asleep 2-3 nights per week, wondering if I've completed everything I'm supposed to. I worry a lot about getting fired. You almost have to TRY to get fired after your first year, but when you're on trial service, they can fire you for just about anything. I've kind of even seen it happen. I don't know what I would do if I lost my job. It would put such an enormous dent in my career.
And it's so tempting to think..."And then...what would I have?" I would have my friends and family...and I am certainly proud of them...but still...being 24, not married, no boyfriend, bachelor's degree in sociology, and schlepping groceries at Safeway?
So really, what this is, is almost an identity crisis. I know where my identity is SUPPOSED to be, but my prayer life is still incredibly weak. I think I need to start paper journaling again. That's the easiest form of prayer for me, and I know that a stronger prayer life is what I need right now, more than anything.
If you made it ALLLL the way through this whiney entry, I owe you some serious chocolate or something.
I promise, I am still a positive person. I am not usually the type to cry and moan about being single, and I'm actually pretty frustrated with myself for my attitude over the past couple of days. This was a lot of ranting that needed to come out, so now we are back to our regularly scheduled program, the one where Megan is happy and uplifting and positive.
Ready, go.