(no subject)
acid
I needed something solid. I don’t care that it’s not real.
I was paying for the laughter and praying not to feel.
I found this square that hid a chemical, with intent to get away.
It holds a trip that lasts for hours. It holds a place where you’re okay.
Oh, no I hadn’t planned on going until I lost my reason to stay.
If you’d keep me I won’t leave here, I could find some other way.
Forget that sense of security, the mistakes that send us so high.
I’ll step down off that smoke ring. I’ll bring back cancer from the sky.
I waited for you thinking it was worth it. I waited just like before.
I waited to be sedated. I waited for something more.
Finally, I realized it’s not worth it.
At least not worth it, anymore.
I’m content being this creative. I’m content being so much more.
Burnt out but not quite brain dead. I know the feeling well.
It seems old but never ending, this dependence you can sell.
A half-hour’s passed and I’m happy. A half-hour until I’ll be great.
It doesn’t matter if I like this. There’s no turning back, it’s too late.
They said just take another sip. Yeah, just sip away the pain.
Sip away the lose. Sip away the gain. Take another drag.
flick away the ash. You’re lost inside your body.
so lost without your stash.
You’ll leave here oh so mindless. You won’t remember a thing.
You’ll forget every word, to every song you can’t sing.
You’ll leave here lonely with no help at all.
What you thought to be the answer, turned out to be fall.
ANA
Shaped with perfection and symmetry, the bones stuck out like a headache. They hid timidly, protected by just a thin layer of skin. All too clearly visible. I stood tall staring at my rib cage. The sunlight on my face sank as I let the sight of myself create shame on a whole different level. I pulled back instantly, trying to refrain from showing any feelings of disgust. My arms shrank a little as I gave them a closer look. It reminded me of Toy Story. I felt the pressure make its way back to my eyes but this time they began to water. They began to cry.
Every trace of beauty seemed to have vanished. I slowly reached for my stomach avoiding sudden movements. I sighed. I realized that… It wasn’t beauty I was lacking; it was every trace of strength that had left. All I’d managed losing this time was control.
Blue eyed and awake now, I gripped the towel tighter trying to hide the limbs that dangled, thin and pathetic. I felt a sudden weakness as I realized that everything I’d ever been is now just starved and erased.
By choice. I’ll never be the skinniest.
LAID
All I really wanted was a glance of him. I learned how to keep my head still and slowly I shot my eyes past him in the other direction. I figured it was worth a try to avoid being obvious but he’s not paying attention anyway. We’re both still exhausted, trying to catch our breath, and I’d do anything for a cigarette right about now.
We’ve only been laying here motionless for about 10 minutes now, and already I expected some sort of entertainment from him. When finally I realize that he’s actually considering sleep and not even conversation is going to happen, I decide I might as well give up too. I let go of the pressure keeping myself awake and it feels so good to close my eyes again. All I’m able to focus on is my heartbeat and my head spinning. All I can really see are those faint memories of grade school and that yellow sundress I know I loved so much.
Lying here seems so sinfully comfortable; I can’t help but go back to those days. It’s almost pathetic, really. All through childhood I dreamt about what it’s like to be older. All through childhood I looked forward to having those womanly curves and my first, most exciting, pointless bra. For some reason, I was lead to believe that some magical change would occur once I became a "teenager" and for some reason, I looked forward to this.
I wasn’t necessarily looking forward to this moment in particular, but I was definitely curious as to how situations like this would turn out. I reached under the bed with strong hopes of finding my panties. I know this will be impossible in the dark. Nearly ten seconds after the door was locked they were torn off and who knows what else. I lost my clothes right in the midst of losing my mind. I lost my mind when I lost my judgement. I’m not complaining, but I’ll never find them. I don’t have the energy to look. I’m sure who’s ever bed this is will enjoy finding them later, more than I’ll enjoy wearing them now. I guess it’s time to close my eyes and give up once more.
As I roll over, I end up not quite as on top of him as I’d hoped for. This may take some effort; he’s been unconscious for quite some time now. I doubt it is anything to worry about though. I hear its normal for guys to pass out on a girl after they get laid. I shouldn’t be so surprised.
All I know is that I am way too drunk to attempt walking down those stairs. I am way too drunk to even find my clothes. I know it’s probably a good idea to just give in and try to sleep this off myself, for some reason I just can’t let myself. Believe me, I am more than content with our closeness. I am more than happy to be drunk and half-naked in some warm random bed right now. I just can’t get myself to relax and that’s worrying me. Passing out while I’m fucked up has always been so easy in the past. I’m so confused. This can’t be the alcohol; I don’t know what my problem is.
At least I’m upstairs, though. I felt rescued as I walked up the stairs attached to Michael. This should be helping. Of course, I knew what was going to happen when we came up here. I was well aware of the fact that I really don't know this kid and seriously, I could have cared less. That, I know, is because of the alcohol. But, either way, there is just something about the people down there that makes me fucking sick.
We’re all on something. No one even cares about the alcohol anymore. We have everything we’ve ever needed. It seems like when you know the right people you can get a hold of just about anything. Most of us probably don’t even know what we’re taking. I just know it’s enough to fuck me up. I really have no reason to be coherent tonight. I guess walking really isn’t necessary when I have no where to walk to. I don’t even try to find motivation to logically think, anymore. My decisions always fuck me over either way. What have I got to loose? It’s pathetic. Let’s see how fucking generic we can get next, huh?
I can’t tell how fucked up Michael is anymore. Maybe that’s why I’m enjoying it up here. You should have seen us. Down there, we’re all dressed up. I spent hours putting on this confidence. I spent hours actually thinking that this night may mean something. And with that, I grip onto the body beside me, almost as if I thought he might actually get up and go somewhere. I don’t want that. I don’t want him to go. I don’t have the strength or tolerance to go with him. This whole time I’ve been dreading the sound of knocking on that door. I know, sooner or later some other horny couple will be begging to sneak in this. That too makes me sick. It’s different out there. Maybe it’s just the alcohol, but who knows.
My hand is on cruise control sliding up and down this kid’s stomach. I’ve forgotten how good it feels to just be touched. I forgot how good it feels to be wasted. I know that downstairs they are probably all talking about me. Everybody in this house knows what goes on. Everyone is this house is exactly the same way. We don’t care about nor consider anything. It just happens and for the longest time, I’ve thought it was okay. I’ve thought I was doing alright. Today, I’m just not sure what kind of regret this is.
I drank enough to get that goofy smile permanently glued to my face. I’ve got a long way to go until I start getting sick, too. I’ve been feeling this way for weeks now. I guess I’ve just never really thought about it before. What a waste of an hour. I’ve slipped into my stereotype once again and this time, I’m just bothered. Maybe I am like everyone else. Or maybe it’s just the alcohol. Either way, that doesn’t feel justified at all. I’m still drunk and alone up here without my panties, and I’m still holding on to this guy I can’t even visualize.
I hope this is how it is supposed to be. I hope we fuck up until we realize it’s not worth it, anymore. Now, I know this generation doesn’t have the mind capacity to learn anything so, that I can’t hope for. But, I do hope that one day everyone realizes it isn’t great to be like the rest of the world. I hope that one day everyone sees the world for what it is. And I hope that one day, it makes them fucking sick.
I needed something solid. I don’t care that it’s not real.
I was paying for the laughter and praying not to feel.
I found this square that hid a chemical, with intent to get away.
It holds a trip that lasts for hours. It holds a place where you’re okay.
Oh, no I hadn’t planned on going until I lost my reason to stay.
If you’d keep me I won’t leave here, I could find some other way.
Forget that sense of security, the mistakes that send us so high.
I’ll step down off that smoke ring. I’ll bring back cancer from the sky.
I waited for you thinking it was worth it. I waited just like before.
I waited to be sedated. I waited for something more.
Finally, I realized it’s not worth it.
At least not worth it, anymore.
I’m content being this creative. I’m content being so much more.
Burnt out but not quite brain dead. I know the feeling well.
It seems old but never ending, this dependence you can sell.
A half-hour’s passed and I’m happy. A half-hour until I’ll be great.
It doesn’t matter if I like this. There’s no turning back, it’s too late.
They said just take another sip. Yeah, just sip away the pain.
Sip away the lose. Sip away the gain. Take another drag.
flick away the ash. You’re lost inside your body.
so lost without your stash.
You’ll leave here oh so mindless. You won’t remember a thing.
You’ll forget every word, to every song you can’t sing.
You’ll leave here lonely with no help at all.
What you thought to be the answer, turned out to be fall.
ANA
Shaped with perfection and symmetry, the bones stuck out like a headache. They hid timidly, protected by just a thin layer of skin. All too clearly visible. I stood tall staring at my rib cage. The sunlight on my face sank as I let the sight of myself create shame on a whole different level. I pulled back instantly, trying to refrain from showing any feelings of disgust. My arms shrank a little as I gave them a closer look. It reminded me of Toy Story. I felt the pressure make its way back to my eyes but this time they began to water. They began to cry.
Every trace of beauty seemed to have vanished. I slowly reached for my stomach avoiding sudden movements. I sighed. I realized that… It wasn’t beauty I was lacking; it was every trace of strength that had left. All I’d managed losing this time was control.
Blue eyed and awake now, I gripped the towel tighter trying to hide the limbs that dangled, thin and pathetic. I felt a sudden weakness as I realized that everything I’d ever been is now just starved and erased.
By choice. I’ll never be the skinniest.
LAID
All I really wanted was a glance of him. I learned how to keep my head still and slowly I shot my eyes past him in the other direction. I figured it was worth a try to avoid being obvious but he’s not paying attention anyway. We’re both still exhausted, trying to catch our breath, and I’d do anything for a cigarette right about now.
We’ve only been laying here motionless for about 10 minutes now, and already I expected some sort of entertainment from him. When finally I realize that he’s actually considering sleep and not even conversation is going to happen, I decide I might as well give up too. I let go of the pressure keeping myself awake and it feels so good to close my eyes again. All I’m able to focus on is my heartbeat and my head spinning. All I can really see are those faint memories of grade school and that yellow sundress I know I loved so much.
Lying here seems so sinfully comfortable; I can’t help but go back to those days. It’s almost pathetic, really. All through childhood I dreamt about what it’s like to be older. All through childhood I looked forward to having those womanly curves and my first, most exciting, pointless bra. For some reason, I was lead to believe that some magical change would occur once I became a "teenager" and for some reason, I looked forward to this.
I wasn’t necessarily looking forward to this moment in particular, but I was definitely curious as to how situations like this would turn out. I reached under the bed with strong hopes of finding my panties. I know this will be impossible in the dark. Nearly ten seconds after the door was locked they were torn off and who knows what else. I lost my clothes right in the midst of losing my mind. I lost my mind when I lost my judgement. I’m not complaining, but I’ll never find them. I don’t have the energy to look. I’m sure who’s ever bed this is will enjoy finding them later, more than I’ll enjoy wearing them now. I guess it’s time to close my eyes and give up once more.
As I roll over, I end up not quite as on top of him as I’d hoped for. This may take some effort; he’s been unconscious for quite some time now. I doubt it is anything to worry about though. I hear its normal for guys to pass out on a girl after they get laid. I shouldn’t be so surprised.
All I know is that I am way too drunk to attempt walking down those stairs. I am way too drunk to even find my clothes. I know it’s probably a good idea to just give in and try to sleep this off myself, for some reason I just can’t let myself. Believe me, I am more than content with our closeness. I am more than happy to be drunk and half-naked in some warm random bed right now. I just can’t get myself to relax and that’s worrying me. Passing out while I’m fucked up has always been so easy in the past. I’m so confused. This can’t be the alcohol; I don’t know what my problem is.
At least I’m upstairs, though. I felt rescued as I walked up the stairs attached to Michael. This should be helping. Of course, I knew what was going to happen when we came up here. I was well aware of the fact that I really don't know this kid and seriously, I could have cared less. That, I know, is because of the alcohol. But, either way, there is just something about the people down there that makes me fucking sick.
We’re all on something. No one even cares about the alcohol anymore. We have everything we’ve ever needed. It seems like when you know the right people you can get a hold of just about anything. Most of us probably don’t even know what we’re taking. I just know it’s enough to fuck me up. I really have no reason to be coherent tonight. I guess walking really isn’t necessary when I have no where to walk to. I don’t even try to find motivation to logically think, anymore. My decisions always fuck me over either way. What have I got to loose? It’s pathetic. Let’s see how fucking generic we can get next, huh?
I can’t tell how fucked up Michael is anymore. Maybe that’s why I’m enjoying it up here. You should have seen us. Down there, we’re all dressed up. I spent hours putting on this confidence. I spent hours actually thinking that this night may mean something. And with that, I grip onto the body beside me, almost as if I thought he might actually get up and go somewhere. I don’t want that. I don’t want him to go. I don’t have the strength or tolerance to go with him. This whole time I’ve been dreading the sound of knocking on that door. I know, sooner or later some other horny couple will be begging to sneak in this. That too makes me sick. It’s different out there. Maybe it’s just the alcohol, but who knows.
My hand is on cruise control sliding up and down this kid’s stomach. I’ve forgotten how good it feels to just be touched. I forgot how good it feels to be wasted. I know that downstairs they are probably all talking about me. Everybody in this house knows what goes on. Everyone is this house is exactly the same way. We don’t care about nor consider anything. It just happens and for the longest time, I’ve thought it was okay. I’ve thought I was doing alright. Today, I’m just not sure what kind of regret this is.
I drank enough to get that goofy smile permanently glued to my face. I’ve got a long way to go until I start getting sick, too. I’ve been feeling this way for weeks now. I guess I’ve just never really thought about it before. What a waste of an hour. I’ve slipped into my stereotype once again and this time, I’m just bothered. Maybe I am like everyone else. Or maybe it’s just the alcohol. Either way, that doesn’t feel justified at all. I’m still drunk and alone up here without my panties, and I’m still holding on to this guy I can’t even visualize.
I hope this is how it is supposed to be. I hope we fuck up until we realize it’s not worth it, anymore. Now, I know this generation doesn’t have the mind capacity to learn anything so, that I can’t hope for. But, I do hope that one day everyone realizes it isn’t great to be like the rest of the world. I hope that one day everyone sees the world for what it is. And I hope that one day, it makes them fucking sick.