yo
so i'm like, not even messing around right now but i seriously forgot how to go on a diet. i forgot what motivation feels like. i forgot what self control feels like. it's not funny, i'm being serious. it's a really serious issue. the even sadder part about it is that during the day time i don't really give 2 fucks about it, i'm like, super content eating so much taco bell and bad for you shit and ice cream and then sitting. but then at night time is when i start thinkin', start reflecting and i'm just all..."damn, girl, get on a fugging diet and stick with it for christ's sake". i mean, i started exercising about 2x a week (BIG WOOP) but it seems as though i'm too lazy to do anything more. the other day i read this article about this girl who lost ~60 pounds because she got grossed out about how much our culture revolves around/focuses on/talks about food and she just sort of stopped doing that. i want to freaking send her an email or something and ask her how the hell that happened. i mean, i suppose it's just a switcheroo of priorities or something, right? something. but shit, i wish that kind of shit would happen to me, too bad it hasn't yet and i don't see it happening anytime in the near future.
in other news..
-paid off me car, so now i got some extra bones each month. + with serving now i make like.. $160 more a week.. times that by 4 and i got some serious bankage adding up. thinking about moving out soonish, i mean not immediate future or anything but thinking about it because well, let's face it i'm going to be 22 soon and i feel a litte loserish, yah i said it. although since i'm going to school locally i mean it makes sense to live at home and save. but this will only be acceptable for a small amount of time longer
*also as a sidenote i want to make a point that i feel i do much better in my life living away from home. i mean yah besides the being broke part (which doesn't really matter to me, it's worth it) i feel like i RISE, does that make sense? it's like i swell up with all this potential that i'm capably of because i want to succeed and i want to do it, i feel proud and prideful, i strive to get shit done. while i live at home i can't help but feel like everything is handed to me and if i fail i know my parents are there to catch me and have my back. i get reaaaaaaaaaaaaaal lazy, goals diminish almost entirely my self esteem is zilch and yah i kind of just. don't do well
-so i was thinking heavily about transferring to a school up North but since i change my mind all the time and am a scared giant baby i have been thinking more of transferring to UCSB, but shit man i change my mind every month i don't freaking know
-going to Vegas in 2 weeks, should be good
-someone told me that a sign of depression is excess sleeping. i don't think i am depressed. but i'm definitely in a slump. are they one in the same? i'm not sure. but let's just say on most days, 5+ days a week i take long naps, ~2 hours, and on days i don't take naps it's because i slept for a super long time, a time i don't want to say because it's embarassing and i'm just now realizing how absurd it sounds. i just sleep a lot and i've realized this and it's because i prefer it sometimes. sometimes doing shit and being all active and positive and proactive and all that good shit that i know is beneficial for me just doesn't sound appealing to me. sometimes a nap does, got it?
so anyway, skipping through this whole thing the 2 mains points are i still don't know how to stick to a diet and i still don't have any passion goin down in my life, goodnight
in other news..
-paid off me car, so now i got some extra bones each month. + with serving now i make like.. $160 more a week.. times that by 4 and i got some serious bankage adding up. thinking about moving out soonish, i mean not immediate future or anything but thinking about it because well, let's face it i'm going to be 22 soon and i feel a litte loserish, yah i said it. although since i'm going to school locally i mean it makes sense to live at home and save. but this will only be acceptable for a small amount of time longer
*also as a sidenote i want to make a point that i feel i do much better in my life living away from home. i mean yah besides the being broke part (which doesn't really matter to me, it's worth it) i feel like i RISE, does that make sense? it's like i swell up with all this potential that i'm capably of because i want to succeed and i want to do it, i feel proud and prideful, i strive to get shit done. while i live at home i can't help but feel like everything is handed to me and if i fail i know my parents are there to catch me and have my back. i get reaaaaaaaaaaaaaal lazy, goals diminish almost entirely my self esteem is zilch and yah i kind of just. don't do well
-so i was thinking heavily about transferring to a school up North but since i change my mind all the time and am a scared giant baby i have been thinking more of transferring to UCSB, but shit man i change my mind every month i don't freaking know
-going to Vegas in 2 weeks, should be good
-someone told me that a sign of depression is excess sleeping. i don't think i am depressed. but i'm definitely in a slump. are they one in the same? i'm not sure. but let's just say on most days, 5+ days a week i take long naps, ~2 hours, and on days i don't take naps it's because i slept for a super long time, a time i don't want to say because it's embarassing and i'm just now realizing how absurd it sounds. i just sleep a lot and i've realized this and it's because i prefer it sometimes. sometimes doing shit and being all active and positive and proactive and all that good shit that i know is beneficial for me just doesn't sound appealing to me. sometimes a nap does, got it?
so anyway, skipping through this whole thing the 2 mains points are i still don't know how to stick to a diet and i still don't have any passion goin down in my life, goodnight