i know things could be way, way worse in my life but
ohh..
so my dad just called me, first time we've been able to talk for the past couple of weeks, he called me once while i was at work, missed the call. we're talking and everything, him and my sister are coming down this month. i am so so so excited about this, words do not describe. we're talking more and then he just drops "yah my new born baby... " i've known his wife has been pregnant this whole time, but then i'm like "whatt?" and she was born on the 30th, that's like, 10 days ago. is it wrong of me to be super pissed off and WTF about this? i don't like getting in fights with my dad, we only talk once or maybe twice a month, i don't like him feeling guilty, i don't like feeling like i'm being mean to him, but i instantly shut down and wanted to get off the phone immediately. i didn't want him to know i was upset, i tried getting off the phone and he could tell i was upset and at that point it's just like "no dad, i'm not upset i just want to go" when really i'm yelling in my head "of course i'm upset!!!! i NEED TO GET OFF THE PHONE" and then my heart starts beating all fast and i can't think straight and i started to cry and i got off the phone all the while telling him "yah it's no big deal" because i know he has enough guilt of moving to Kuwait when i was in 2nd grade, when we were all so small, as it is, it's enough. it's just like, all this time (and it has gone by so quick) there's been this voice in my head pushing me forward, pushing me along like "this is only temporary, he will be back, he will be back, he loves us, he will be back". and now, guess what? we're all grown up, i'm 21, he has his own family now, and he's not back.
and it makes me really, really sad to think about. while it was happening, i didn't realize, and time just went by so quick, living, life. friends, achievements, etc. now it's gone and it's never going to come back and it breaks my heart. i mean i'm not going to let this ruin my life and go into some downward spiral or let it bring me down, duh. i just hate it and i hate that this had to happen to us. and i wonder if i am ever going to let him know this, probably not. also, i don't care if this is rude or whatever but i do not give a shit about his kids, i really don't. i mean, of course i do a little. maybe that's selfish, immature, whatever, but like i said i don't give a shit. i mean, the bottom line is that he's happy and that's that, but the people behind it i'm not sure how i feel about it, i don't even know if i'm ever going to meet them.
i just live life so jaded, so focused on today, getting through today, tomorrow, friday, weekend, oh it's monday, repeat over and over and then all of a sudden it's summer and time just slips away from you, everyone is growing apart, before you know it, it's gone and you can't get it back! and all the while it's detiorating, you think you can. wanna know how many relationships i have had this happen to? dear, deep friendships. i don't even know what to say of all this anymore, what to make of it. i guess i'll just keep doing what i always do, go to sleep. wake up, go to school, etc
i need to get out of here, i feel like on the inside i am screaming. honestly don't know if i've ever felt so empty
so my dad just called me, first time we've been able to talk for the past couple of weeks, he called me once while i was at work, missed the call. we're talking and everything, him and my sister are coming down this month. i am so so so excited about this, words do not describe. we're talking more and then he just drops "yah my new born baby... " i've known his wife has been pregnant this whole time, but then i'm like "whatt?" and she was born on the 30th, that's like, 10 days ago. is it wrong of me to be super pissed off and WTF about this? i don't like getting in fights with my dad, we only talk once or maybe twice a month, i don't like him feeling guilty, i don't like feeling like i'm being mean to him, but i instantly shut down and wanted to get off the phone immediately. i didn't want him to know i was upset, i tried getting off the phone and he could tell i was upset and at that point it's just like "no dad, i'm not upset i just want to go" when really i'm yelling in my head "of course i'm upset!!!! i NEED TO GET OFF THE PHONE" and then my heart starts beating all fast and i can't think straight and i started to cry and i got off the phone all the while telling him "yah it's no big deal" because i know he has enough guilt of moving to Kuwait when i was in 2nd grade, when we were all so small, as it is, it's enough. it's just like, all this time (and it has gone by so quick) there's been this voice in my head pushing me forward, pushing me along like "this is only temporary, he will be back, he will be back, he loves us, he will be back". and now, guess what? we're all grown up, i'm 21, he has his own family now, and he's not back.
and it makes me really, really sad to think about. while it was happening, i didn't realize, and time just went by so quick, living, life. friends, achievements, etc. now it's gone and it's never going to come back and it breaks my heart. i mean i'm not going to let this ruin my life and go into some downward spiral or let it bring me down, duh. i just hate it and i hate that this had to happen to us. and i wonder if i am ever going to let him know this, probably not. also, i don't care if this is rude or whatever but i do not give a shit about his kids, i really don't. i mean, of course i do a little. maybe that's selfish, immature, whatever, but like i said i don't give a shit. i mean, the bottom line is that he's happy and that's that, but the people behind it i'm not sure how i feel about it, i don't even know if i'm ever going to meet them.
i just live life so jaded, so focused on today, getting through today, tomorrow, friday, weekend, oh it's monday, repeat over and over and then all of a sudden it's summer and time just slips away from you, everyone is growing apart, before you know it, it's gone and you can't get it back! and all the while it's detiorating, you think you can. wanna know how many relationships i have had this happen to? dear, deep friendships. i don't even know what to say of all this anymore, what to make of it. i guess i'll just keep doing what i always do, go to sleep. wake up, go to school, etc
i need to get out of here, i feel like on the inside i am screaming. honestly don't know if i've ever felt so empty