my dog is the only thing i want to be around
i don't mean to be all melodramatic on livejournal or anything, but something has been wrong with me. i know i usually am pretty lazy and unmotivated, but it's to a whole new level. it may or may not be because i've been sick for the last couple of weeks, but i've felt really down lately. all i want to do is lay in bed and eat food and take xanax and ambien to help me sleep. i don't even know why i'm sharing this on here but somethings up and i hate hate hate it. being around my friends usually helps me when i am in these types of moods but i don't even want to leave my house. i'm such a social person and i feel like i don't even care. i'm sick of caring, also. i've always been too wrapped up in my friends, what their thinking, if i'm bothering them, if i've done something wrong, and i'm just sick of it. i really really want to start jogging again because i feel like it is the key to all this but i can't find the motivation.
i had a really good day sunday. a bunch of things happened but one of my favorites was hanging out with taylor again. we got drunk downtown with a bunch of friends and wanted pizza by the slice so we ran up mainstreet in the rain and were laughing and almost slipping because it was so wet and i just loved it for some reason, it reminded me of how much fun i used to have with him and how much i miss having him as a best friend. every time i hang out with him i laugh and laugh and it's so simple.
i need something different in my life and i don't know what it is. yes i do. but i feel like it's hopeless. want to know something pathetic but i can't stop thinking it? that stupid old ladytron song "they only want you when your 17, when your 21, your no fun". UHHH YEAH SERIOUSLY I NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE. when your 17 it's like, no one really knows you, everythings so new, there are so many people to meet. and now i just feel like i've met everyone in ventura that i would ever want to meet and if there are ever any potentials (boys) i totally fuck it up somehow. it's just really discouraging/depressing/stagnant/lame/BLEHHHH. i like being single, i do. and i don't want to settle for some shitbag motherfucker. but i do want to go on dates, i do want good company. crushes and butterflies are always so much fun. i love being able to do whatever i want and not having anyone's feelings to take into consideration. the loneliness is rough, however, and most the time i really can't help feeling like i am better as someone's girlfriend. i am so pathetic sometimes. i'm having a rough time right now and i just hope this passes quickly. got to stay on the up up up
i had a really good day sunday. a bunch of things happened but one of my favorites was hanging out with taylor again. we got drunk downtown with a bunch of friends and wanted pizza by the slice so we ran up mainstreet in the rain and were laughing and almost slipping because it was so wet and i just loved it for some reason, it reminded me of how much fun i used to have with him and how much i miss having him as a best friend. every time i hang out with him i laugh and laugh and it's so simple.
i need something different in my life and i don't know what it is. yes i do. but i feel like it's hopeless. want to know something pathetic but i can't stop thinking it? that stupid old ladytron song "they only want you when your 17, when your 21, your no fun". UHHH YEAH SERIOUSLY I NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE. when your 17 it's like, no one really knows you, everythings so new, there are so many people to meet. and now i just feel like i've met everyone in ventura that i would ever want to meet and if there are ever any potentials (boys) i totally fuck it up somehow. it's just really discouraging/depressing/stagnant/lame/BLEHHHH. i like being single, i do. and i don't want to settle for some shitbag motherfucker. but i do want to go on dates, i do want good company. crushes and butterflies are always so much fun. i love being able to do whatever i want and not having anyone's feelings to take into consideration. the loneliness is rough, however, and most the time i really can't help feeling like i am better as someone's girlfriend. i am so pathetic sometimes. i'm having a rough time right now and i just hope this passes quickly. got to stay on the up up up