Home and stuff
Finally I am back to updating LJ a little bit *and* not only that I have typed this up on my new not-really-mine-but-on-long-term-loan laptop while I am sitting at work!
It is all a bit exciting even if Morris (I have called the laptop Morris) is a few years old. Hey I am not that young anymore myself so it is a good match. The keyboard is going to take a little bit of getting used to and he does need a new power cable *mental note - attend to that tomorrow if possible* but it does mean that when I am out at Bean Scene now I can type away rather than scribble. This is going to save oodles of time. Big hugs to the friend who has loaned Morris to me!
So what to say about the holiday! Toby and Sarah were fantastic to catch up with and we had a crackingly good time. Saw Emily and Max in the Midlands and caught up with Christian, Eliot and Rachel in Notts. Eliot gave Morris a brand new OS!
Seeing Christian was really good. I was a little stressed about it before heading down and was worried that it would be very weird.
The last visit I found quite upsetting and I was worried that it would be that way again. It wasn't. Oddly enough the very day that we were going to Notts I spent the morning watching rubbish TV and one of the rubbish shows I was watching had an episode where the couple were finalising their divorce. He had come down to tidy up the paperwork and the two of them were meeting for "the last time" so to speak. They were out having a drink and the conversation had these three lines in it...
Her : It wasn't all bad was it
Him : No it wasn't. We were good together.
Her : Yeah. Until we weren't
Not that sounds all very trite and blatantly obvious but hearing that really crystalised a heap of stuff for me regarding Christian. I have been saddened by a lot of "what ifs" and feeling a great deal of loss based on the times where Christian and I were really great together. Reality is that it had not been that way for ages and was not going to be that way again. It kind of helped me to start to settle emotionally into what I already knew intellectually - that while I still have real affection for what the relationship was it is ok for it to end when it is no longer working. And it wasn't.
The next bit in the TV show was the woman explaining to their 5 year old daughter that the divorce had come through and the conversation went something like this.
Kid : So what does that mean?
Her : It means that we will not be living together all three of us ever again.
Kid : But hasn't that already happened?
And that also crystalised things. Yeah Christian and I officially split 3-4 months ago but if we were to look back it occurred far earlier. This trip I no longer felt like I had a place in the house. I did not get all choked up when I saw the cat and did not feel the urge to do all the little reflex things that you naturally do with a long term partner when I was with Christian. I still really like Christian and loved hanging out with him but the intimacy just wasn't there. More importantly it was some time into the visit when I realised this. I had not made a conscious decision for it to be this way, it just was.
Part of my frustration at not being able to move on with this has been because I have wanted to try and fix something that could not be fixed - the something being my headspace. Some things just have to heal on their own and it is good to see that this is happening.
Enough rambles on that for now...
Back to Glasgow and I started back at work just 15 hours after arriving. Bit of a planning error really but I wanted that extra night in England. I am at work now and by the time I leave in the morning I will have clocked up 41 hours in three days. At least I will have aa couple of days off. Tomorrow I might even take Morris down to Bean Scene for his first ever visit! Newspaper man had better not take my favourite seat with the power plug next to it!
Talk to you all later guys!