Welcome to my world
i felt good today... i really did. running, like i always do made me feel really happy and i had my last discussions for the quarter and i just felt good. and then my stupid friends were stupid, well just kinda teasing me, and i stopped feeling good. and then it was gone, so sad. i am tired of being a joke, i am tired of being the laughstock. fuck you all, you bastards. the reason i am so off the wall is because i want to give the world a reason to laugh with me, and not at me, which happens anyway. i had an acedemic advising meeting today and met with some sweet honors lady about what i should major in. maybe i will just get a guitar and take off, write some music, travel the world and be jewel. that would be so sweet. just ride around in a geeyhound bus to little towns getting little quirky jobs for a while and singing in little coffee houses just to do it. fuck school. bah. i am just tired. everyone will laugh when they read this. maybe i will be an adventurer and go to wonderfgul places and meet fascinating people and do and see everything. maybe i will be like cameron crowe and go off and ride with a band on tour and write for rolling stone while partying with some rock band. or maybe i will never make it out of santa cruz, or santa barb ara and will liver her doing something boring until i die. and you wondered why i am depressed. oh that is funny, lets joke about depression. and then cover it up and hide it away like it is a big shameful thing. and then leave it there, llike the elephant in the corner, everyone knows its there but no one ever just screams, "LOOK AT THE FUCKING ELEPHANT YOU DICKS". just notice me and this and all of things. dont laugh at me, laugh with me. dont pity me, i am ok. i dont need sympathy, i dont need pity, i dont need ignoring, i dont need attention. i dont need, "aw. are you ok? lets talk" and i dont need awkward silence. i dont need boys (ok, thats a lie, just not mean ones) i dont need so many friends surrounding me all the time, and i dont need everyone to be an enemy. i dont need gossip, if you think it say it. i dont need deceit, dont lie to me. i dont need whispers, i dont need secrets. i dont need people who say they need me in their lives, and then ignore me when i try to be there. i dont need later nights, which is all i get. i dont need fucking DLG to serve fucking bad food all the time. i dont need the world telling me i can be whatever i want to be if i work hard enough and then expect me to meet standards of beauty, personality and intelligence that are inhuman. i dont need bad memories, or frighteningly good ones that threaten to suck me back to the summer and all that. what i do need is support. and love and space and music and dancing and friends who love me and dont try to hurt me. i need christmas carols and retro disney movie songs and shower parties and fucking storke tower being ugle and ringing at 12 at night, always waking me up. i need kevin's voice yelling through the halls and kendra's weird little ticks and annika's dancing to scatman even when she cant hear the music and june's (well sometimes) quiet presence and jake's fighting spirit. i need erin's friendship that has been with me and always will be whatever happens to us. i need angela's voice on the phone and melinda's laugh and katy's bright shining face in the morning.
if anybody has noticed, i have been going through hard times. weird times with adjustment and strange new feelings, like waking up in a strange bed with puke in my hair...hahaha... and living with the sweetest room mate ever. life hasnt been the best and i am the first to admit it. but i am getting better. i just need good people in my life who need me and want me. i am happy, in a weird way, and everyone in my life adds to it. but just let me be. i am working it out. i am a case, i know. but i am one of the sweetest, cutest, most caring, funniest, craziest and all around best completly fucked up people you are ever going to meet.
good night my lovelies and sweet dreams to all my jelly beans,
mego
ps-to all those who didnt get there names in this lovely little rant, i love you too. i just have a funny way of showing that love sometimes.
if anybody has noticed, i have been going through hard times. weird times with adjustment and strange new feelings, like waking up in a strange bed with puke in my hair...hahaha... and living with the sweetest room mate ever. life hasnt been the best and i am the first to admit it. but i am getting better. i just need good people in my life who need me and want me. i am happy, in a weird way, and everyone in my life adds to it. but just let me be. i am working it out. i am a case, i know. but i am one of the sweetest, cutest, most caring, funniest, craziest and all around best completly fucked up people you are ever going to meet.
good night my lovelies and sweet dreams to all my jelly beans,
mego
ps-to all those who didnt get there names in this lovely little rant, i love you too. i just have a funny way of showing that love sometimes.