Sparklepire Adventures: In Which We Trudge Through Rape Culture Infested Molasses
Today I spent THE ENTIRE DAY trudging through the “I sparkle in the sun!” scene and the “I break into your room while you’re sleeping!” scene. Actually, not through with the latter yet. BUT OMG I THOUGHT THE SPARKLE SCENE WOULD BE SO MUCH CRACKIER!! And, uhm, maybe a bit less sappy. That was too much to hope for, wasn’t it? (Ok, I also kept stopping to recite some of the more absurd abuses of adjectives to coworkers.)
But this means that, aside from maybe 2 pages of Bella’s father there were no other characters, and the actual potentially interesting characters (by which I mean Rosalie and Alice) are still basically nonentities despite being mentioned a lot.
Today’s drinking game word is “Silly.”
EDWARD: Bella, the sun will be out today! I will let you see my secret!
BELLA: Woot! In the driveway?
EDWARD: No, you silly girl, in a meadow! In the woods!
BELLA: The..edge of the woods? Or at the end of a trail?
EDWARD: No! There’s a trail! But we will not take it! Instead we will hike 5 miles along an unmarked path!
BELLA: Is…the sun only going to shine in this one spot? As you know, I’m rather clumsy.
EDWARD: Silly, girl! I’ll hold your hand the whole way!
BELLA: Everything makes sense now!
*disaster-free hiking*
EDWARD: Now, silly girl, stand at the edge of the clearing and watch appreciatively as I step into the clearing! You might want to clutch your hands in front of your chest and open your eyes really wide.
BELLA: I hear and obey the commands of your lilting voice! Oh, it’s like diamonds! Like rubies! Like Glitter! Wait, I need my thesaurus.
EDWARD: Forget that and come stare at me admiringly!
BELLA: I hear and obey!
EDWARD: Now, Silly, come tell me exactly how you’re going to behave to keep me from raping eating you. Remember, I’m a dangerous dangerous creature who cannot be trusted not to kill you, and your courting temptation every time you look at me!
BELLA: I will not wear short skirts and makeup tempt you with my amazing smell too much. I will not go out walking alone or be alone in a room with a man be alone with you unless we first have the discussion about how you might rape eat me if I tempt you too much. And, of course, I will not kiss you back touch you much lest you pounce on me.
MEGAN: You have no idea how much I wish I was exaggerating the “You must behave a certain way or you will force me to try to rape eat you and since I’ve chosen to be around you all the time, this is your responsibility.”
EDWARD: Quiet you! Or I’ll blind you with my sparkles!
BELLA: Wait, are we talking about sucking blood or about sex?
MEGAN: These days, it’s all the same.
BELLA: Because I’m not big on getting eaten, but the sex is all good.
EDWARD: I am too sexually repressed for this conversation! Also, we aren’t to the part where I have to constantly protect my virtue yet!
MEGAN: Yes, but this really is rather tedious, so can we just skip to that part so that it’s a bit more entertaining?
EDWARD: SPARKLE POWER!
MEGAN: AAAAAAHHH!
EDWARD: If we can get back to the point! Bella, climb on my back and I’ll carry you back to your truck!
BELLA: Is it safe for you to carry me for that long? I don’t want to tempt you to eat me!
EDWARD: Oh, I’ll have us back in a minute. Two tops.
BELLA: So I…did not have to spend two hours trekking through the forest?
EDWARD: Silly girl! It was more dramatic that way!
I lack what it takes to get into the “I sneak in and watch you while you sleep!” thing. It had a lot more of the same with bonus talk about how it was such a terrible inconvenience that Edward can’t read Bella’s mind, so he has to lower himself to deliberately reading the minds of the people around her to spy on her. And you have no idea how much I wish I was exaggerating about “I’ve decided to spend all my time around you even though it incites murderous lust hunger, and it’s your responsibility not to tempt me.” NO IDEA.
Sadly, it makes sense in light of the appeal. Bella (not yet, but later) is the sexual aggressor. She wants to have sex with her boyfriend and has no shame about it. Which “good girls” still aren’t supposed to do, but Bella is a “good girl,” and held up as interesting and admirable, while Edward is the reserved one who isn’t ready for sex. So hey, refreshing role reversal! Except that then the normal rules and warnings and blaming are maintained in the vampirism=sex allegory, so the standard social norm box for teen sexual rules and responsibility are maintained.
This may have been too much for me. It needs to get back to creepy and absurd (or just absurd, but it’s too much to ask for no creepy here) instead of mostly “WTF CREEPY WITH A SIDE OF EDWARD’S ABSURD MELODRAMA!”
But this means that, aside from maybe 2 pages of Bella’s father there were no other characters, and the actual potentially interesting characters (by which I mean Rosalie and Alice) are still basically nonentities despite being mentioned a lot.
Today’s drinking game word is “Silly.”
EDWARD: Bella, the sun will be out today! I will let you see my secret!
BELLA: Woot! In the driveway?
EDWARD: No, you silly girl, in a meadow! In the woods!
BELLA: The..edge of the woods? Or at the end of a trail?
EDWARD: No! There’s a trail! But we will not take it! Instead we will hike 5 miles along an unmarked path!
BELLA: Is…the sun only going to shine in this one spot? As you know, I’m rather clumsy.
EDWARD: Silly, girl! I’ll hold your hand the whole way!
BELLA: Everything makes sense now!
*disaster-free hiking*
EDWARD: Now, silly girl, stand at the edge of the clearing and watch appreciatively as I step into the clearing! You might want to clutch your hands in front of your chest and open your eyes really wide.
BELLA: I hear and obey the commands of your lilting voice! Oh, it’s like diamonds! Like rubies! Like Glitter! Wait, I need my thesaurus.
EDWARD: Forget that and come stare at me admiringly!
BELLA: I hear and obey!
EDWARD: Now, Silly, come tell me exactly how you’re going to behave to keep me from raping eating you. Remember, I’m a dangerous dangerous creature who cannot be trusted not to kill you, and your courting temptation every time you look at me!
BELLA: I will not wear short skirts and makeup tempt you with my amazing smell too much. I will not go out walking alone or be alone in a room with a man be alone with you unless we first have the discussion about how you might rape eat me if I tempt you too much. And, of course, I will not kiss you back touch you much lest you pounce on me.
MEGAN: You have no idea how much I wish I was exaggerating the “You must behave a certain way or you will force me to try to rape eat you and since I’ve chosen to be around you all the time, this is your responsibility.”
EDWARD: Quiet you! Or I’ll blind you with my sparkles!
BELLA: Wait, are we talking about sucking blood or about sex?
MEGAN: These days, it’s all the same.
BELLA: Because I’m not big on getting eaten, but the sex is all good.
EDWARD: I am too sexually repressed for this conversation! Also, we aren’t to the part where I have to constantly protect my virtue yet!
MEGAN: Yes, but this really is rather tedious, so can we just skip to that part so that it’s a bit more entertaining?
EDWARD: SPARKLE POWER!
MEGAN: AAAAAAHHH!
EDWARD: If we can get back to the point! Bella, climb on my back and I’ll carry you back to your truck!
BELLA: Is it safe for you to carry me for that long? I don’t want to tempt you to eat me!
EDWARD: Oh, I’ll have us back in a minute. Two tops.
BELLA: So I…did not have to spend two hours trekking through the forest?
EDWARD: Silly girl! It was more dramatic that way!
I lack what it takes to get into the “I sneak in and watch you while you sleep!” thing. It had a lot more of the same with bonus talk about how it was such a terrible inconvenience that Edward can’t read Bella’s mind, so he has to lower himself to deliberately reading the minds of the people around her to spy on her. And you have no idea how much I wish I was exaggerating about “I’ve decided to spend all my time around you even though it incites murderous lust hunger, and it’s your responsibility not to tempt me.” NO IDEA.
Sadly, it makes sense in light of the appeal. Bella (not yet, but later) is the sexual aggressor. She wants to have sex with her boyfriend and has no shame about it. Which “good girls” still aren’t supposed to do, but Bella is a “good girl,” and held up as interesting and admirable, while Edward is the reserved one who isn’t ready for sex. So hey, refreshing role reversal! Except that then the normal rules and warnings and blaming are maintained in the vampirism=sex allegory, so the standard social norm box for teen sexual rules and responsibility are maintained.
This may have been too much for me. It needs to get back to creepy and absurd (or just absurd, but it’s too much to ask for no creepy here) instead of mostly “WTF CREEPY WITH A SIDE OF EDWARD’S ABSURD MELODRAMA!”