My Mamaw
My mamaw died on Wednesday May 6. We buried her today and had her wake last night...it's funny because I haven't cried at all since she died. I cried beforehand cuz I knew it was coming. I saw her the night before she died...and I know she's better off. After they reopened her casket for our final look...I didn't know if I'd break down or not. I miss my mamaw but it's like it's been a slow process of losing her anyway. She had some form of dementia, Alzheimer's is only diagnosable post-mortem so I don't know if it was truly that, but she had just gotten to the point that she had no idea who anyone was and she began forgetting the simple things we take for granted like knowing to cough when you have something in your lungs. My mamaw was an amazing, strong woman. She was a very hard worker and she worked hard up until the day she began having problems with her memory so much so that she just had to stop. I don't think I've cried because I knew she was amazing at her best...and she wasn't in the best of health before she left us. We expected her death...not that we wanted it, but sometimes you just have to come to terms with things like this. I walked up to her casket...and I just wanted the chance to say so many things to her again. I mean I told her I loved her that night before she died...but I know it's useless...I just wish that there could be another day with her in her right mind and I would tell her again like I always did before I left to go home that I loved her and hug her...and she'd always give me a kiss on the cheek and tell me to come back and visit when I could. I really regret that I didn't go back very often. Especially here at the end...I just distanced myself from the situation because I didn't want it to hurt as much as I knew it would when this time came. I know my mamaw knows that I love her...and I guess I just miss the fact that she isn't here with me anymore.
I know she's up in heaven looking at me right now...thinking how silly, she knows I love her...but I see my older cousins who have already had kids and everything I just wish that I had been one of them who got to let her see what her great grandchildren looked like and how far I had gotten in school and I know she'd be so proud of me...she always was even over little things. She was always very proud of all of us. I know it's selfish of me to want that...to want her to see all the things I've done and still have to do...but I know that she'll see them. She won't be here to tell me she's proud of me but I'll know. My cousin's daughter Maddie went down to see Mamaw during the day before she died. My cousin kept trying to get her to kiss mamaw and to tell her she loved her. She kept staring off in the corner and wouldn't take her eyes off the corner of the room. My cousin thought she was just doing that because maybe she was afraid of mamaw in the state she was in. She was basically gasping slowly for breath and just had her mouth open and every couple of minutes would take in a breath. Later that afternoon on the ride home, Maddie started talking to her mom. She'd been pretty quiet prior to leaving so Andrea talked to her. She asked her mom who the lady in the pretty white dress was in the corner of the room. My cousin started naming off everyone who was in the room. Various aunts and uncles that Maddie pretty well knows who they are. To everyone she replied swiftly, No. Finally, Maddie said NO mom, it was mamaw's mom! My cousin Andrea was basically in shock because my mamaw's mom had died well before any of us had come onto the scene. It was strange for Maddie to be seeing someone who wasn't there, but this story has been a big comfort to all of us. At least someone was there waiting for Mamaw when she passed on the next morning at 6:30. I don't know how Maddie knew who it was, maybe she told her who she was...but it's pretty amazing because she's young...3...but she wouldn't make something like that up...she couldn't.
Maddie is pretty amazing herself. I've decided that if I have kids in the future I really want them to be as smart and energetic as she is. She's just the smartest little girl I've ever seen...she makes me laugh. She always wants to play. Today while we were at the cemetery she wanted to run back and forth with me between some of the tombstones to the road. I love that kid. She makes me want to have children.
This is basically all I have to really talk about. Not much else is interesting in life except I'm moving to Johnson City at some point after graduating on the 16, and I'm going to pursue a Master's in Counseling. I'm really glad that mamaw got to go on to heaven. I know she's much happier now than she could ever be here with us. :) I still love her and miss her though.
I know she's up in heaven looking at me right now...thinking how silly, she knows I love her...but I see my older cousins who have already had kids and everything I just wish that I had been one of them who got to let her see what her great grandchildren looked like and how far I had gotten in school and I know she'd be so proud of me...she always was even over little things. She was always very proud of all of us. I know it's selfish of me to want that...to want her to see all the things I've done and still have to do...but I know that she'll see them. She won't be here to tell me she's proud of me but I'll know. My cousin's daughter Maddie went down to see Mamaw during the day before she died. My cousin kept trying to get her to kiss mamaw and to tell her she loved her. She kept staring off in the corner and wouldn't take her eyes off the corner of the room. My cousin thought she was just doing that because maybe she was afraid of mamaw in the state she was in. She was basically gasping slowly for breath and just had her mouth open and every couple of minutes would take in a breath. Later that afternoon on the ride home, Maddie started talking to her mom. She'd been pretty quiet prior to leaving so Andrea talked to her. She asked her mom who the lady in the pretty white dress was in the corner of the room. My cousin started naming off everyone who was in the room. Various aunts and uncles that Maddie pretty well knows who they are. To everyone she replied swiftly, No. Finally, Maddie said NO mom, it was mamaw's mom! My cousin Andrea was basically in shock because my mamaw's mom had died well before any of us had come onto the scene. It was strange for Maddie to be seeing someone who wasn't there, but this story has been a big comfort to all of us. At least someone was there waiting for Mamaw when she passed on the next morning at 6:30. I don't know how Maddie knew who it was, maybe she told her who she was...but it's pretty amazing because she's young...3...but she wouldn't make something like that up...she couldn't.
Maddie is pretty amazing herself. I've decided that if I have kids in the future I really want them to be as smart and energetic as she is. She's just the smartest little girl I've ever seen...she makes me laugh. She always wants to play. Today while we were at the cemetery she wanted to run back and forth with me between some of the tombstones to the road. I love that kid. She makes me want to have children.
This is basically all I have to really talk about. Not much else is interesting in life except I'm moving to Johnson City at some point after graduating on the 16, and I'm going to pursue a Master's in Counseling. I'm really glad that mamaw got to go on to heaven. I know she's much happier now than she could ever be here with us. :) I still love her and miss her though.