How much are you willing to indulge in your flaws?

[megan_s05]

I made it! today I finished my first 8 o clock exam, tomorrow I have another and I had one at 2 today...that's over :) Stats and Sociology are officially done for me. I have OT and WCIV tomorrow, then Finite Wed. and I get to go home! YAY. I've had to watch Girl, Interrupted this evening to write a paper on later...and I wonder if maybe I dont have a borderline personality disorder. I wonder if we all have something mentally wrong...some just to a greater degree than others. What do they call it when the world comes crashing in on you and you feel you can no longer deal with your problems? I've been on the verge of going insane lately. I've been stressing over every lil thing...and why? I didnt even study much last night for my exams...and they were easy...so it would've been time wasted...tonight I KNOW i have to study...but I just can't bring myself to do it...I've come to the point...that I dont care anymore. Is that the way I want to live my life...footloose and fancy free...I wish I could be like this all the time. I've needed peace of mind for a long time now. Always freakin over something...but now I realize that my problems weren't designed for me to carry alone. My troubles were designed to make me realize that I need to rely on something much greater than myself. Something that has all power...and knows the future I'm so uncertain about. My Yahweh. He's really come thru for me lately. My preacher told me that he knew I was having trouble dealing with things before anyone ever told him. And I believe him...because no matter how much you try masking your problems and you wear that fake, tacky smile and you show the world how happy you really aren't...God sees thru it all. He sees all and knows all. There's no fooling him. Not that I was tryin to...I've been prayin for a long time for some relief from my grief. It seems things just kept piling up on me...to the point I considered giving up...and finding a way to end it all...but I could never do that. I'm catching a breath of fresh air now, and I can breathe again. Things are looking up, and they will continue to get better. I'm no longer worrying, I'm no longer trying to stay in control...because I never had control in the first place. Never will I ever. THat's why I have to allow someone who does, to take control of me and fix me. People have been so worried about me lately, because all I did was cry. Crying is my only release...yea I cry hard. That's my only way to let go of everything inside...unless I paint...and who really has time or feels the need to do it. It would help me if I did paint again...I just can't right now. Maybe over break that'll give me something to do. I have an Intermed. Paint class next semester, i'm excited about it. Soo now's the time I say goodbye and go study.

Stop running, because you'll never hide what's inside...
God Bless...