Mixed Emotions
I miss posting on LJ. The other day I was crying in bed with Jason about how miserable I've been and he told me that I need to start reading and writing. I loved him just then for knowing me and understanding how I work. And he's right--I haven't been able to talk to my friends (stupid 3 hour time zone difference), I just came off a week with back to back conferences, and there hasn't be a week where I've done less than 50 hours at work. My mom sent me a card today telling me how proud she is that I'm trying to stick it out. But being here during the holiday was really hard. They put up the Christmas tree here at Union Square, and it's not at all like the one at Rockefeller Center. Albeit, it is still 65 degrees here most days. It just doesn't feel like Christmas. And it doesn't feel like home.
What I need to be writing are my grad school essays. They should be so simple right? "What informs your decision to pursue graduate studies?" There are a MILLION reasons why I want to go to grad school, and why I want to be a teacher. I'm just so scared right now. Berkeley is crazy competitive and USF is completely out of my price range. But even worse, is what if I get rejected from both? Believe me, I want to go back to NYC more than anything in the world. I think about it when I'm dreaming, when I'm at work, when I'm watching tv and movies (those times are the hardest). But I know Jason needs to be here and being with him makes me so happy. Obviously, I would never give up wanting to teach just to be with him, but could I just pack my bags and go back to Hunter in a year without him? No way. And his visa makes things difficult if he has to move with me. So much is hinging on the next few months, and it's scary. And I get my CSET results back on Monday. Start praying, people!
Other than my crappy job and fear of the future, everything else has been perfect. Being away from my mom has given her and I distance to appreciate each other again. I miss my friends, but I think being away, or at least removed, from everyone's drama has allowed me to grow as a person. I don't feel like I need people so much anymore, which is a good thing. Some days I walk to work and look at the hills and love being somewhere so different from where I'm used to. It's prettiest at night, when the lights from the houses on hills make the sky look like it's dotted with fireflies. Some days I like not walking with a million people to work, or always being able to get a seat on the bus or train. I love wearing sandals to work everyday, even in November.
There are things to be thankful for, even when the situation you're in is less than ideal. This Thanksgiving Jason and I went to Oakland to feed and play with Liz's cat, walked along the Bay, came home and cooked chicken together, played video games and read books. It was peaceful. I'm tutoring more at 826 Valencia, and I love it. I'm looking at becoming a volunteer for the SF public schools. I want to be in the classroom again. In many ways, I'm happier than I've ever been. Grad school applications are due in a week and after that I think I'll feel more focused. The ball will be set in motion, and all that'll be left is to determine where it rolls.
What I need to be writing are my grad school essays. They should be so simple right? "What informs your decision to pursue graduate studies?" There are a MILLION reasons why I want to go to grad school, and why I want to be a teacher. I'm just so scared right now. Berkeley is crazy competitive and USF is completely out of my price range. But even worse, is what if I get rejected from both? Believe me, I want to go back to NYC more than anything in the world. I think about it when I'm dreaming, when I'm at work, when I'm watching tv and movies (those times are the hardest). But I know Jason needs to be here and being with him makes me so happy. Obviously, I would never give up wanting to teach just to be with him, but could I just pack my bags and go back to Hunter in a year without him? No way. And his visa makes things difficult if he has to move with me. So much is hinging on the next few months, and it's scary. And I get my CSET results back on Monday. Start praying, people!
Other than my crappy job and fear of the future, everything else has been perfect. Being away from my mom has given her and I distance to appreciate each other again. I miss my friends, but I think being away, or at least removed, from everyone's drama has allowed me to grow as a person. I don't feel like I need people so much anymore, which is a good thing. Some days I walk to work and look at the hills and love being somewhere so different from where I'm used to. It's prettiest at night, when the lights from the houses on hills make the sky look like it's dotted with fireflies. Some days I like not walking with a million people to work, or always being able to get a seat on the bus or train. I love wearing sandals to work everyday, even in November.
There are things to be thankful for, even when the situation you're in is less than ideal. This Thanksgiving Jason and I went to Oakland to feed and play with Liz's cat, walked along the Bay, came home and cooked chicken together, played video games and read books. It was peaceful. I'm tutoring more at 826 Valencia, and I love it. I'm looking at becoming a volunteer for the SF public schools. I want to be in the classroom again. In many ways, I'm happier than I've ever been. Grad school applications are due in a week and after that I think I'll feel more focused. The ball will be set in motion, and all that'll be left is to determine where it rolls.