Welcome to breakdooooowwwwnnnnnn
I feel really fucking retarded. I'm always talking about clothes, or boys... maybe it's just who I really am. I'm afraid this is the real me, and I'm not sure I want it to be. But how can you change yourself, honestly? Even though I've just met most of you... I want to show all of you the real me. Hell, I don't even know myself. Everyone I've met has problems... either with other people, or being dropped by a certain loved one. I never let these things come out of me, but I'm going to today.
I'm a recovering bulimic. When I first started my career in modeling, they told me I was too fat. At first I dismissed it... then I realized that I really wanted to become this... model. This perfect person; and the only way I could conceive of becoming it was to starve myself. I knew I wouldn't be able to completely starve myself (I love food way, way too much.) so I thought of another alternative, ergo bulimia. You could look at me and never realize it. At first I didn't even realize it until one day I couldn't stop throwing up as I usually could. I've been through therapy and all, but sometimes I can still feel it inside of me. I can feel it calling out when I'm upset. "It's got to get out. You have to get it out. It doesn't belong. It doesn't belong in you. You don't deserve it. It'll take away everything you've worked for."
I can't talk anymore right now. I don't even want to post this entry, and it's still not complete. It's not everything. There are no words for everything.
Scared and alone I wander,
My minds words are left to ponder,
As the stars rain from the sky.
&Meg.
I'm a recovering bulimic. When I first started my career in modeling, they told me I was too fat. At first I dismissed it... then I realized that I really wanted to become this... model. This perfect person; and the only way I could conceive of becoming it was to starve myself. I knew I wouldn't be able to completely starve myself (I love food way, way too much.) so I thought of another alternative, ergo bulimia. You could look at me and never realize it. At first I didn't even realize it until one day I couldn't stop throwing up as I usually could. I've been through therapy and all, but sometimes I can still feel it inside of me. I can feel it calling out when I'm upset. "It's got to get out. You have to get it out. It doesn't belong. It doesn't belong in you. You don't deserve it. It'll take away everything you've worked for."
I can't talk anymore right now. I don't even want to post this entry, and it's still not complete. It's not everything. There are no words for everything.
Scared and alone I wander,
My minds words are left to ponder,
As the stars rain from the sky.
&Meg.