Wrote this
I wrote this last night, felt I needed to type it. So here it is:
I need to talk to Miranda or someone, but its midnight and it would be totally insane of me to call someone this late. Lord, I'm tired myself, but my mind is being disturbed by thoughts and I know I'm not going to sleep until I vent it out somehow. So I'm subjected to writing. Earlier today Ray started acting the way he has with me.. THis really ticked me off.. He can act like that with me all he wants-sooner or later his butt will be straightened out by either Mom or I"ll finally lose it and tell him off. Not with Bethany... Not my little sister. Just the memory of it ticks me off. Makes me want to slam my fist into a wall.. Don't take anything thats bothering you out on my sister. Nanny and I talkd about it. It upsets me to see Nanny walking with her leg stiff knowing it is hurting her. Yet I'm a bit upset that she threw away the reciept on my digital camera. My camera has a warranty, but like any type of warranty you need the reciept. So now I have absolutely no hope what so ever in getting my camera fixed. My thought was, if I could get it fixed then I could put up with it until I could buy my own camera.. Everything has always got to be the hard way. Its so frustrating that nothing can ever go right. Now that Miranda and I are finally settled there just has to be something else to take the previous problems' place. With everything Nanny's been through this year, I don't have the heart to take it out on her or to get angry.. Its just nothing goes right... Nothing.. Whats gone right for me since I've turned 16? The shopping trip with Miranda and Sarah and seeing Chris.. Every other event (other than a couple of Academic Bowl matches), even the wedding (not it itself-but me) was screwed up. Why do these people stay friends with me? I should be lonely and isolated. As horrible as my life would be, maybe what I'm going through is trying to tell me to be alone.. Not be happy. Nothing can fall apart that way. Funny thing is, if I lost my friends I feel that I would really have nothing. I'd probably cut myself even farther away from my family and place myself surrounded by a brick wall with a never ending height. Why do you think I worry about th eprospect of going to college? Also with Miranda going off.. I'm afraid... College will change her.. Will my mere high school self that hasn't experienced college life stand up?/compete? Will it be enough to keep the friendship that I've constantly time and time again rely on? Without her or Sarah I would have lost my mind long ago.. I know I've made plenty of mistakes and each one I constantly regret.. but I can't change the past. My point is, if something happens my first reflex and thought is to call Miranda.. Even if its late at night.. More than once, if not all the time (usually because I'm unable to get a hold of her) she is usually the first person I tell about anything. Its hard to believe that even though I've only been friends with her for almost a year I have come to depend/rely on our friendship to this extent. If I wasn't friends with her I believe I would be totally and utterly lost.. Sarah and Miranda were both there for me when Nanny had her medical problems and for that I will always be forever grateful. When I was stuck at home unable to go to the hospital with mom because I needed to stay with Bethany-if I had not called both of them there would have been no possible way that I could've handled Bethany as well as I did. Again, forever grateful.. I don't believe I could function period with my friends. I'm too emotional.. too gullable... too sensitive... too everything! I'm unbalanced way too much.. I was told that if I had some certain feelings for a certain something I would be killed.. Thats interesting because at one time I truly despised the thing, but not I don't.. Friend again, but don't believe I would want anything more... Not my type anymore.. Well I've spend a good hour on this and this will be it so I can get to bed-sleep is highly needed. *End*
So yeah, don't kill me for this entry..
I need to talk to Miranda or someone, but its midnight and it would be totally insane of me to call someone this late. Lord, I'm tired myself, but my mind is being disturbed by thoughts and I know I'm not going to sleep until I vent it out somehow. So I'm subjected to writing. Earlier today Ray started acting the way he has with me.. THis really ticked me off.. He can act like that with me all he wants-sooner or later his butt will be straightened out by either Mom or I"ll finally lose it and tell him off. Not with Bethany... Not my little sister. Just the memory of it ticks me off. Makes me want to slam my fist into a wall.. Don't take anything thats bothering you out on my sister. Nanny and I talkd about it. It upsets me to see Nanny walking with her leg stiff knowing it is hurting her. Yet I'm a bit upset that she threw away the reciept on my digital camera. My camera has a warranty, but like any type of warranty you need the reciept. So now I have absolutely no hope what so ever in getting my camera fixed. My thought was, if I could get it fixed then I could put up with it until I could buy my own camera.. Everything has always got to be the hard way. Its so frustrating that nothing can ever go right. Now that Miranda and I are finally settled there just has to be something else to take the previous problems' place. With everything Nanny's been through this year, I don't have the heart to take it out on her or to get angry.. Its just nothing goes right... Nothing.. Whats gone right for me since I've turned 16? The shopping trip with Miranda and Sarah and seeing Chris.. Every other event (other than a couple of Academic Bowl matches), even the wedding (not it itself-but me) was screwed up. Why do these people stay friends with me? I should be lonely and isolated. As horrible as my life would be, maybe what I'm going through is trying to tell me to be alone.. Not be happy. Nothing can fall apart that way. Funny thing is, if I lost my friends I feel that I would really have nothing. I'd probably cut myself even farther away from my family and place myself surrounded by a brick wall with a never ending height. Why do you think I worry about th eprospect of going to college? Also with Miranda going off.. I'm afraid... College will change her.. Will my mere high school self that hasn't experienced college life stand up?/compete? Will it be enough to keep the friendship that I've constantly time and time again rely on? Without her or Sarah I would have lost my mind long ago.. I know I've made plenty of mistakes and each one I constantly regret.. but I can't change the past. My point is, if something happens my first reflex and thought is to call Miranda.. Even if its late at night.. More than once, if not all the time (usually because I'm unable to get a hold of her) she is usually the first person I tell about anything. Its hard to believe that even though I've only been friends with her for almost a year I have come to depend/rely on our friendship to this extent. If I wasn't friends with her I believe I would be totally and utterly lost.. Sarah and Miranda were both there for me when Nanny had her medical problems and for that I will always be forever grateful. When I was stuck at home unable to go to the hospital with mom because I needed to stay with Bethany-if I had not called both of them there would have been no possible way that I could've handled Bethany as well as I did. Again, forever grateful.. I don't believe I could function period with my friends. I'm too emotional.. too gullable... too sensitive... too everything! I'm unbalanced way too much.. I was told that if I had some certain feelings for a certain something I would be killed.. Thats interesting because at one time I truly despised the thing, but not I don't.. Friend again, but don't believe I would want anything more... Not my type anymore.. Well I've spend a good hour on this and this will be it so I can get to bed-sleep is highly needed. *End*
So yeah, don't kill me for this entry..