Resurrecting an old filk I thought I'd lost.
I co-wrote this with the_hatstand back in 2003. I'd forgotten it until it seemed a relevant comment on clarienne's journal this morning.
THE BALLAD OF MARY SUE
By Smith and Ogden
TTTO A Boy Named Sue - Johnny Cash/Shel Silverstein
My writer put me in a fic or three,
And she didn't leave much of a plot with me,
Just some old clichés and a style without a clue.
Now, I don't blame her 'cause she run and hid,
But the meanest thing that she ever did
Was before she left, she made me a...
...Mary Sue.
Well, she musta thought that it was quite a joke,
And it got a lot of laughs from a lot of folk;
She'd been writin' stuff like that her whole life through.
I'd start off weepin' till my eyes were red,
For the heroes I then had to drag to bed -
I tell ya, life weren't easy for this Mary Sue.
Now I grew up sweet, and I grew up strong,
My eyes were violet and my hair was long,
I'd roam from Sunnydale to Sharpe and Trek,
But I made a solemn vow. I swore
I'd bring that writer down before
She made me wind up like that girl in Shrek.
Well, it was Middle-Earth one mid-July
Down in ole Mirkwood with some handsome guy
Who was lean and blond, and in the bloom of youth;
As I looked at him and his pointy ears
I could tell this plot would keep me here for years,
With an Elf who couldn't bear to tell the truth.
I was sure I could never last the course,
When out of the trees, on a pure white horse,
There galloped a girl with a face I feared I knew,
She drew her sword and I swooned with fear,
Then I came upon a most strange idea -
See, I'd had enough of bein' Mary Sue.
So I hit her hard right between the eyes,
And she went down, but, to my surprise,
She came up with a plot device from hell;
She struggled, but got up again,
And hit me with the strength of ten,
By the power of some unknown magic spell.
I'd not kicked ass like this before,
I had tasted blood, and I wanted more,
So I tossed my hair and I flashed my evil eye;
I pinned her up against a tree,
And told her what she'd done to me,
And I said:
"My name is Mary Sue.
How DO YOU DO?!
Now YOU GONNA DIE!!!"
She looked at me and she said: "I know,
And I'm not surprised that you hate me so,
But I never meant to do you any wrong.
You had all the adventure and romance
'Cause me, I never got the chance;
I'm weak and silly - so I made you strong."
She said: "Now you just fought one hell of a fight,
And I know you're bitter, and you got the right
To leave me now, and I wouldn't blame you if you do.
But ya ought to thank me, before I go,
For the places you've been and the men you know -
This foolish fangirl made you Mary Sue."
Well, she looked me, trembling, in the eye,
A tear welled, but she wouldn't cry,
And somethin' in that look I thought I knew;
So I hugged her once, an' I let her go
'Cause I'd never have thought, but now I know
There's worse things in life than bein' Mary Sue."
THE BALLAD OF MARY SUE
By Smith and Ogden
TTTO A Boy Named Sue - Johnny Cash/Shel Silverstein
My writer put me in a fic or three,
And she didn't leave much of a plot with me,
Just some old clichés and a style without a clue.
Now, I don't blame her 'cause she run and hid,
But the meanest thing that she ever did
Was before she left, she made me a...
...Mary Sue.
Well, she musta thought that it was quite a joke,
And it got a lot of laughs from a lot of folk;
She'd been writin' stuff like that her whole life through.
I'd start off weepin' till my eyes were red,
For the heroes I then had to drag to bed -
I tell ya, life weren't easy for this Mary Sue.
Now I grew up sweet, and I grew up strong,
My eyes were violet and my hair was long,
I'd roam from Sunnydale to Sharpe and Trek,
But I made a solemn vow. I swore
I'd bring that writer down before
She made me wind up like that girl in Shrek.
Well, it was Middle-Earth one mid-July
Down in ole Mirkwood with some handsome guy
Who was lean and blond, and in the bloom of youth;
As I looked at him and his pointy ears
I could tell this plot would keep me here for years,
With an Elf who couldn't bear to tell the truth.
I was sure I could never last the course,
When out of the trees, on a pure white horse,
There galloped a girl with a face I feared I knew,
She drew her sword and I swooned with fear,
Then I came upon a most strange idea -
See, I'd had enough of bein' Mary Sue.
So I hit her hard right between the eyes,
And she went down, but, to my surprise,
She came up with a plot device from hell;
She struggled, but got up again,
And hit me with the strength of ten,
By the power of some unknown magic spell.
I'd not kicked ass like this before,
I had tasted blood, and I wanted more,
So I tossed my hair and I flashed my evil eye;
I pinned her up against a tree,
And told her what she'd done to me,
And I said:
"My name is Mary Sue.
How DO YOU DO?!
Now YOU GONNA DIE!!!"
She looked at me and she said: "I know,
And I'm not surprised that you hate me so,
But I never meant to do you any wrong.
You had all the adventure and romance
'Cause me, I never got the chance;
I'm weak and silly - so I made you strong."
She said: "Now you just fought one hell of a fight,
And I know you're bitter, and you got the right
To leave me now, and I wouldn't blame you if you do.
But ya ought to thank me, before I go,
For the places you've been and the men you know -
This foolish fangirl made you Mary Sue."
Well, she looked me, trembling, in the eye,
A tear welled, but she wouldn't cry,
And somethin' in that look I thought I knew;
So I hugged her once, an' I let her go
'Cause I'd never have thought, but now I know
There's worse things in life than bein' Mary Sue."