Fanfic: 6 Steps To Woo Roxanne Ritchi
So, I promised you guys a sequel to my first ever fic 'You're Alive?', so here's the first chapter of a 6-chaper epic to keep you entertained as I finish off other outstanding chapters to my past fics! ^_^
Title: 6 Steps To Woo Roxanne Ritchi
Author: lasersandspikes
Word Count: 6,898
Rating: NC-17
Summary: The last time we saw our favourite couple, Roxanne had finally agreed to dinner with our favourite big headed genius. Prepare yourselves for six embarrassing dates...
Roxanne waltzed through the holographic wall to the lair; she never usually surprised people, but today the reporter was feeling rather pleased with herself. She made her way through the building and toward a faint hissing sound. Getting closer the noise loudened into a roar, until she found herself standing in front of the not-so-invisible car.
She gave it a skeptical look before walking around to the other side; the door was open, and she realised now what this noise was. Megamind was sat in nothing but a pair of tight black shorts and a welding mask, fixing something in the internal space of the dashboard with a blowtorch.
He was completely oblivious, and the death metal music blaring from the car's speakers only helped disguise the reporter's approaching footsteps even more. Roxanne bit her lip before pulling it into her mouth and sucking slightly. He looked good. In fact, he looked better than good; Megamind looked good enough to eat.
A bead of sweat rolled down his chest past his belly button, and the reporter stifled a moan. Roxanne quickly got a hold of her senses and turned around, about to retreat when a loud snap indicated that the car door had slammed shut.
Shit.
She turned around sheepishly, and the driver's side window rolled down a fraction revealing a pair of startled green eyes. "R-Roxanne..?"
"Hey..!" She gave him a nervous smile. This had been such a bad idea...
"I... Must have lost track of time..." The small amount of his face she could see looked regretful. "Dinner was at 8, right..?" He stammered. They'd confirmed the time before he'd left her apartment a few days ago.
"No, no!" She waved her arms back and forth. "I'm early! I... I thought I'd swing by, and just... Surprise you!" Such a stupid idea in retrospect; what was she thinking?
"Oh..." He slumped slightly, relieved that he hadn't kept her waiting; when it came to a project, it was very easy for him to lose track of time.
"Yeah. So... Did you wanna come on out of there..?" She leaned in, smiling through the crack in the window.
Megamind's eyes widened again. "Oh... Yes! Yes... Umm..." He was practically naked, and there were no clothes in the car. "Could you turn around..?"
Roxanne smiled knowingly and put her hands over her eyes before spinning around. "I won't peek~" I already got a nice eyeful, anyway...
Megamind sighed with relief, and shimmied out of the passenger side; just in case. He kept sneaking glances at the reporter, but she remained turned away. Skipping across the lair, and into his bedroom he snapped the door shut quickly and simply leaned against it, trying to get his giant head around the situation at hand.
She must've seen him. He looked down to the small black shorts and felt his face burn again; they left nothing to the imagination. He groaned running his hands over his face before traipsing across the room and into the large walk-in wardrobe.
Megamind reentered the main part of the lair and stopped dead in his tracks when he noticed what was happening. Minion and Roxanne were both giggling at a very familiar book; the photo album. All the breath seemed to leave his lungs, and the rubber body suit suddenly felt too warm, too tight! He needed to get out of here...
He was about to run back to the bedroom when Roxanne piped up. "Oh, you're back! Come here!" She beckoned him, smiling.
Perfect... He shyly trotted over, begging the blood in his face to drain away. "Minion. The photo album. You shouldn't have..." He cast the fish a withering glare, and Minion retreated to the back of his bowl, his fins hanging limply by his sides.
Roxanne turned the book around and pointed to one of the pictures; he was only a toddler in the warden's arms. Minion could be seen in a glass sphere in the baby's hands.
"You were the cutest! Seriously, if you'd shown the city your baby pictures, they'd have been eating out of the palm of your hand." She giggled, waving the book at him. "This here is a weapon of mass destruction."
Cute. She thought he was cute..? Well, had been. "T-Thank you..." Oh god, this was awkward. It used to be so simple, just talking to her - bantering with her. Why was it suddenly so difficult? It was becoming impossible just to string a coherent sentence together.
"You gonna wear that?" She smiled, pointing at his usual spiked gloves and shoulder guards. His eyes widened again, and Roxanne wished she'd kept her mouth shut. She remembered how she'd reassured him about his 'theatrical' wardrobe, and now what was she doing? Making him second guess himself? "It's just hot out, are you gonna be OK in all that leather?" Phew, that was close.
"Oh..." He looked himself up and down. "That is a very good point. Just a moment..!" He ran off again, and Roxanne giggled, watching his cape vanish behind a nearby wall. Minion gave her a knowing smirk, and she flipped the photo album open again.
"Ha, you were so tiny, Minion! And your eyes were so huge! Adorable..." She smiled warmly.
The henchfish's face made the piscean equivalent of a blush, and his fins flapped bashfully. "Oh, Miss Ritchi-"
"Roxanne."
"Oh..." It would certainly be weird calling her that. "OK, Roxanne." Yes, that sounded even weirder now that he said it.
The reporter grinned, flipping the pages of the album until she got to the pictures of a slightly older blue child. He was such an adorable little kid; so vulnerable looking, and hopeful. He was still like that in some ways; he was more naïve than any adult she'd ever encountered, it was amazing really. She would've understood if his past had jaded him, but it hadn't.
"He looks so much like his dad, y'know?" Minion chimed in.
"R-Really?" She turned to look at the fish, forgetting all about the book.
"Oh, yes. If he grew a full beard, he'd be a carbon copy..." Minion mused, smiling. "But his eyes are different. His dad's were like an amber colour; he got him mom's instead."
Roxanne felt a wave of sadness at his words. His parents. "Wait, how do you know that..?"
"Sir was cognizant at a very early age. He was 8 days old when we got sent off the planet in a pod. I think he even remembers his birth..." Minion pulled a face. "I was fully aware when I woke up for the first time." He pointed to the antennae sticking out of the top of his body. "His parents made me so that he wouldn't be alone."
Roxanne felt her heartstrings being violently tugged. She looked back down at the book, staring into those hopeful little green eyes, but not for long as Megamind rounded the corner. In a suit.
"W-Wow..!" If she'd been a cartoon, Roxanne would've needed to pick her jaw up off the floor. He wore a crisp white shirt under a stunning black waistcoat; the sleeves were rolled up, showing off his forearms, and the reporter was thankful that he'd decided not to wear a jacket.
His trousers were perfectly pressed, and those shoes, were they winklepickers..? Roxanne's eyes travelled back up to his tie; black and blue alternating diagonal stripes. "You look great." He did.
"Hehe, thanks..." He turned away shyly as she looked him over. He felt so tiny, so exposed without all the costumes and armour. Megamind watched as Minion got up and made his way to the kitchen, grinning. And now he was alone with Roxanne again. The nerve of that fish, leaving him here to squirm like this; like a worm on a hook! It was Minion's purpose to look after him, how could he do this?
They were going to have a serious chat when he got home...
"So..." Roxanne grinned, shuffling a foot back and forth. "We've still got an hour or so before dinner..?" She chanced hopefully.
"Coffee..?" She nodded enthusiastically with a smile, and his insides did somersaults. "Coffee it is... Uh, this way..." He held out an arm, leading her towards the kitchen. Once they were in, Minion turned on his mechanical feet and left. Asshole... At least he made the coffee. Megamind tried not to grumble; he could feel his face trying to twist into a brattish expression and stopped it.
"Does that have full fat cream in it?" The reporter queried as Megamind handed her a cup.
Shit. "I... Uhhm..." Crap! Of course she was conscious of her weight; she had a gorgeous, perfect figure, she'd never jeopardise that!
"I'm kidding!" Roxanne grinned. God, he was too easy sometimes. "How do you think I got a butt this big, huh?" She tapped her rear with her free hand. "One word; creamcakes!"
Her butt..? IT'S A TRAP! Wait, was she giving him permission to look at her butt now..? Oh god, I'd like your cream your cakes... Wait, was that even a thing, or was he just delirious at the thought of her ass? Nice and round... I bet it's soft... Roxanne gave him a questioning look, and he realised he must've been zoned out for some time.
"Icanmakecakes." He suddenly blurted out, averting his gaze from her full hips. "Imeanifyouwantedto..?" Megamind hugged his arms self consciously. You can't bake cakes! His inner voice berated. You can't even make TOAST!
Baking? With Megamind? Roxanne felt a dopey smile tug at her lips just thinking about it. "Yeah, that'd be nice..." She bit her lip.
The blue man's eyebrows shot up. Congratulations; you just shot yourself in the foot, dumbass... "Hehehe... O-OK..." He could feel a warmth threatening his cheeks, and cursed his exotic colouration. He was going to look like some kind of fluorescent eggplant at this rate.
Megamind opened the fridge in a vain attempt to look like he knew what he was doing when he spotted them; a massive batch of pecan muffins. He peeled a sticky note off the plate.
DEAR SIR, I MADE THESE THIS MORNING, I HOPE YOU AND MISS RITCHI ENJOY THEM! P.S; FEEL FREE TO TAKE CREDIT, I KNOW HOW MUCH YOU WANT TO IMPRESS HER! ;)
That fantastic fish... How could he ever have doubted him?
"Oh, would you look at that..." He grabbed the plate with one hand, scrunching up the sticky note with the other. "I totally forgot that I made these this morning~"
Roxanne grinned, he was such an idiot... A cute idiot, though. "Oh, that's a shame..." She pointed to the pecans on top of the frosting, trying to contain her laughter. "Nut allergy..."
Megamind paled, setting the plate down and brought his hands up to grasp her shoulders. "I'm s-so sorry, I should have thought..." This was too easy. Teasing Megamind, there was no sport in it; she felt like a fox hunting a three legged, deaf rabbit. It just wasn't fair.
"I'm kidding!" Roxanne smiled nervously. Megamind turned away from her, and she could swear she heard a sniffle. Oh no... She brought her hands to her face, shaking her head. I made him cry... I am such a bitch, I made him cry! "M-Megamind..?" The reporter reached out to place a hand on his shoulder, and he spun around clutching his sides.
"Oh, Roxanne... You're just too easy!" There was no trace of sadness in his features, only pure amusement. "You should see your face!" He sniggered.
Roxanne's shoulder's dropped slightly as she let out a breath. "Meanie..." She poked him playfully in the chest, and motioned towards the cakes with her head. "Minion made those, didn't he?"
"Yup."
"You can't even cook, can you..?" She grinned.
"Nope." Megamind looked off to one side, glowing a faint purple.
"I knew it!" She picked up one of the muffins, taking a large bite. "Mother of god... These are amazing!" She took another bite, savouring it. "Wow... H-How are you not fat?"
"Ah, well... Alien?" He smiled shyly. How did she keep forgetting that? She always treated him like a normal guy, and it was astounding. "Different metabolic rate; I won't bore you with the details..."
"Oh, you know I love it when you bore me with details, Megamind~"
He felt the back of his neck, and his ears prickle as the blood rushed to them. "Is that so..?" He hugged his arms again as she gave him a sultry grin. "Hehe..."
Roxanne smirked; he looked so cute and vulnerable without all the costumes and bravado. The reporter forced herself to stop looking at his arms; all that blue skin, there was so much of it. And his hands. Had she even seen his bare hands before..?
Megamind sipped his own coffee nervously; he blanched realising Minion hadn't put enough sugar in. Walking over to the sugar bowl, he abandoned the spoon and just held it above his cup, pouring until at least half the cup must've been pure glucose.
He stirred it for a few moments before registering the reporter's expression. "What..?"
"Do you have like... false teeth or something? There's no way you can't have cavities when you have that much sugar..!" She remembered the first time she'd 'surprised' him with a visit, how he'd put spoon after spoon of the sweet stuff into his coffee, without even pausing to taste test it. After the eighth spoon, she'd practically given up trying to reason with herself.
"Well... Alien physiology pops up again here..!" He took a large sip before setting the mug down on the kitchen counter. "In humans, teeth can make moderate repairs to the enamel using the minerals in saliva." Yeah, because spit is sooo hot... He paused, gauging her reaction, but she looked completely enthralled. "The mineral ratio for me is much higher so... I just don't get cavities..."
"Wow..." She took a step closer, giving him a playful smirk. "Really..?"
"You can always check-" He clamped his mouth shut before the more perverted side of his brain could take over again. Roxanne burst out laughing, and he relaxed slightly; she hadn't hit him, this was progress, right..?
"You're so cute..." She giggled, looking away shyly. Roxanne, shy? He'd never seen that look on her face before; was she blushing..?
"Hey, I'm a weapon of mass destruction~" He grinned. "What do you expect?" She started giggling again, and he felt another flutter of nerves in his belly. It was intoxicating, her laughter; he'd gone without it for years and years, and now it was like he couldn't survive without it.
"Oh..!" Her eyebrows rose when she checked her watch. "We should probably get going... the restaurant's on the other side of the city..."
"I will have you know, I was a speed racer in a previous life. We'll get there with time to spare, I guarantee it."
Roxanne smirked, finishing off her coffee; damn this stuff was good. So strong, and sweet, and creamy all at the same time. She regretted always turning down Minion's offer of a beverage back when they'd kidnapped her. Kidnapped... It was so strange to think that wouldn't be happening anymore. Strange, and almost sad.
"Come, Miss Ritchi, your carry-ahge awaits!" He placed a hand on the small of her back and steered her out of the kitchen. Roxanne felt her cheeks warming up from that small amount of contact; so innocent, but it was enough to make her feel like a giddy schoolgirl all over again.
"Jeez, you'd think they'd never seen a blue alien before..!" Megamind joked, as they made their way through the restaurant.
"Well, you do have your gun strapped to your leg, mister. Maybe that's why they're staring?" Roxanne turned to him, smirking.
"A precaution, I assure you my dear. You never know when I'll have to defend your honour."
"My honour..?" Her grin suddenly slipped when she noticed another couple walking towards them. "Ohhh no..."
"What..?" Megamind piped up, looking over her shoulder. "Ah... Wanna make a run for it?"
Roxanne sniggered, putting a hand over her mouth. "Oh, that's tempting... I think they've spotted us, though."
"So?" He shrugged.
"Oh, hush you! You're terrible... AAAANDI!" She put on a fake smile shaking the other woman's hand. "How lovely to see you, both!"
Megamind had to resist the urge to roll his eyes; Mrs. Morality telling an outright lie... Wayne clapped a hand on the blue man's back that would've sent him tumbling over the dinner table if he hadn't braced himself beforehand.
"Heeey... It's you!" He plastered on a fake grin; his eyes met with Roxanne's, and they both shared a look that said running had in fact been a good option. "Well, this isn't at all awkward!" He might has well have been the first to say it.
"No, not at all." Wayne grabbed Megamind's shoulders, steering him towards one of the dinner tables, and sat opposite him. "But now it is!" He grinned. Roxanne and Andi took that as their queue to join them.
The reporter picked up her menu, hiding behind it. "Nice going!" She hissed.
Megamind picked up his own, doing the same. "I said we could've run!" He whispered back.
"Guys!" Wayne put a hand on both of their menus, tilting them down. "Super hearing!" He chuckled. Megamind and Roxanne both seemed to sink in their seats, mumbling their apologies.
Roxanne flipped her menu back up; crap. Everything was in Chinese. This was such a swanky place, she didn't want to look like an idiot by asking the staff.
The waiter came by their table. "I'll just have the most expensive thing on the menu." Wayne said, handing it to the man. Megamind suddenly snorted loudly; the former hero gave him a questioning look.
"N-Nothing..!" Roxanne lifted her menu, and gave him a quick glance. He raised his own, mouthing the words, 'Just wait...' The reporter's natural curiosity was killing her, but if Megamind said to wait, she'd just have to wait.
Andi ordered her own food, and the waiter turned to Megamind, who began speaking animatedly in Mandarin. Everyone else just looked on in surprise as the ex villain seemed to joke fluently with the other man. The waiter left, still laughing, and Roxanne turned to Megamind.
"What the hell was that..?" She then realised. "Wait, he didn't even take my order..!"
"I ordered for you."
"Y-You did?" Megamind nodded. "Oh..."
"Oh how thoughtful; Roxanne, wasn't that thoughtful?" Andi grabbed her hand from over the table, smiling.
"Uhm, yes..!" Roxanne tried not to roll her eyes; it was obvious Andi was trying to play matchmaker here. It was the same as that time back in the kitchen at Wayne's.
"Y'know, he's pretty hot for a blue guy..."
"W-What..? I... I guess, he's rather handsome..." Roxanne conceded.
"Rather is right! You know he totally wants you!"
"WHAT? Oh, don't be so silly..."
"I can see it in his eyes!" Andi made a crass thrusting gesture with her hips. "He wants to bang youuuu!"
"Ugh! That's insane!" She sighed. "Anyway, I'm not blue, so, he probably doesn't even find me attractive. I'm just some chubby peach girl who gets on his nerves."
"Oh, honey... You don't seriously think that, do you?" Andi's expression softened.
"I dunno..." Roxanne folded her arms, trying not to pout.
"But he's not human, and you still think he's hot-"
"I said handsome!"
"OK, OK! So, you think he's handsome... Why can't it go both ways?"
That actually made a lot of sense. "Hmm..."
Roxanne looked up, noticing a plate of stuffed vine leaves, and dim sum being placed in front of her. How on Earth had he known what she liked? She turned to look at him. "How'd you know..?"
He shrugged with a smirk. "I'm thoughtful." Roxanne found it impossible to hold back the smile that was spreading across her face; she could see Andi grinning out of the corner of her eye, but ignored it. She'd mentioned how these two dishes in particular were her absolute favourite when she'd been asked to take part in KMCP 8's morning cooking show. He must've been watching. It'd been years, but he'd still remembered.
One of the waitresses placed Wayne's food in front of him, and Megamind had to resist the urge to piss himself laughing. Roxanne noticed him shaking from barely contained laughter, and looked at the other man's plate. The waitress left, and Wayne allowed his polite demeanour to fade. "What the hell is this..?"
Megamind brought a fist to his mouth, giggling. "B-Braised f-fish heads..!" He erupted into laughter, and Roxanne soon followed. "Oh, lighten up! Think of it as a cute story you can tell your children."
Wayne poked one of the glazed eyes that was staring back at him with his fork. "Ugh... There's nothing funny about this..."
"Oh I don't know... Karmic justice can be pretty hilarious..." The blue man scoffed.
"Karma, oh god, grow up kid..." Wayne shook his head with a condescending smirk.
"I'm 18 minutes older than you, and YOU KNOW IT!"
"Ladies, ladies! Handbags down!" Andi laughed, slapping her fiancee on the back. Both men huffed in agreement. "Wonderful... Roxanne? I'm just gonna go 'powder my nose'!" She raised her eyebrows, and the reporter took at as her signal to leave the table too.
"Oh, yeah, right behind you!" She got up quickly, rushing to keep up with the redhead.
"Perfect..." Megamind huffed.
"Oh, c'mon buddy." The former hero's expression softened. He was only messing with the guy after all.
"Don't 'c'mon buddy' me!" He spat back. "Tonight was supposed to be..." Special... "It doesn't matter."
"No no, I gotcha." He gave the smaller man a wry smile. "She really likes you."
"Who..?" Megamind's eyes went wide before Wayne gave him a deadpan expression. "Oh, right, her."
"Your date."
"My... Date... Oh, jeez..." He held his giant head in his hands. "Why is being normal so difficult?"
"What's being normal got to do with anything? If you hadn't noticed, I'm not exactly normal myself."
"Yeah, but you 'pass' for normal; it's different!" Wayne rolled his eyes. "It is!"
"Look, it's perfectly normal for dates to be nerve wracking. Trust me, I know." Megamind raised an eyebrow, and the larger man sighed. "Do you think I just met Andi and it all worked out? I was freaking out for months, not knowing what the hell I was doing. You're supposed to be freaking out. That's normal."
"I see..." He folded his arms, trying to look nonchalant. "How did you two meet, anyway?"
Wayne's eyes glazed over, and a sappy grin tugged at his lips. "I was responding to a bank robbery; armed gunmen, hostages, the usual." Megamind nodded. "She was one of the tellers; didn't take shit I can tell you! She had this guy in a headlock when I got there; it was so hot..."
Megamind's eyes widened. "Riiight..." Not that he couldn't appreciate a woman with attitude, Roxanne had plenty of that, just not in the loud brash way that Andi did. He wasn't about to say that of course; he didn't have a death wish! "So, she just fell into your arms and-"
"Oh no! Nope. She did not want anything to do with me. At all. Called me a jumped up boyscout."
"Seriously?"
"Yep. I couldn't get her out of my head; I just kept popping up in her life like 'Hey, I was just passing by, and thought you looked familiar!', or 'Oh hey, fancy seeing you here!'... She went from flat out hating me to a cool indifference, so I knew I was close!"
"Some people would call that harassment..."
"Yeah, I'll admit I was a little overeager at times."
"You think..?"
"Alright, alright, I was an ass. But sometimes you can't help acting stupid when you're around someone you really like."
"Hmm..." Megamind had to admit, most of his career had been spent acting especially stupid around Roxanne. He'd crushed on her for years, but never acted upon it because of the man sitting in front of him; and they'd never been an item in the first place! What a supreme waste of time. Or was it?
He'd learnt so much about her; her favourite foods, places, colour. It was blue. A blush threatened his cheeks, and he swallowed thickly.
"Yo, Bubsy!" Megamind's head snapped up. "Haha, you zoned out there for a bit, buddy." The blue man's face was steadily becoming a warm shade of violet. "I know that look..."
"Shh!" He hissed, flapping one of his hands as the girls approached the table again. Wayne smirked; this was just too easy.
"Back again~" Andi hollered, taking her seat next to the larger man. "Noses powdered!" Roxanne sat down quickly, and they all began tucking into their food, though Wayne merely stared at his in disgust for the most part.
Roxanne giggled. Watching Megamind trying to eat noodles was adorable; trying really was the operative word here. He was skilled at working with intricate tools, and fiddly mechanisms, but chopsticks simply eluded him. There was a point where one of them flicked out of his grip, and collided with the back of a man's head several tables over.
Andi caught the reporter's attention with a little gesture toward her face, and then nodded quickly in Megamind's direction. Roxanne looked sideways, and almost burst out laughing; he had a bit of sauce on his chin, and she picked up her napkin, taking a hold of his pointed face.
His eyes widened as he felt a manicured hand grasp his chin, steering him to look into a pair of bright blue eyes. She dabbed at his face with a napkin, and his eyebrows rose in surprise; she was so cute... looking after him. Just like a good little wife-
Where the hell had that come from?
There was a sudden flash, followed by two consecutive zaps of blue light as Megamind drew his de-gun, dehydrating both the paparazzi and his camera. Roxanne hadn't even registered what was happening until two cubes clattered to the floor.
"W-What just-"
"Honour." He smirked, twirling his gun on one finger.
Andi burst out laughing. "Psh, serves him right, parasite!" She'd been on the receiving end of those kind of people ever since Wayne had attended that huge press conference, and wasn't too fond of these so-called 'photographers'.
Wayne chuckled as a few of the waiters crowded round, deciding to take advantage of the opportunity. "Hey, let's get the booze flowing!"
The redhead nodded enthusiastically. "Yes! Bring on the Baijiu!" She started clapping, and the waiters left quickly to chase up their drinks.
"Baijiu..?" Roxanne cocked an eyebrow.
Megamind chuckled, looking at the reporter. "It's pure gasoline..." He gestured towards his glass of water. "Have fun, I'm driving." Thank goodness... He thought. That shit's like antifreeze!
"Is it really that strong..?" The brunette was suddenly feeling a bit apprehensive. She didn't want to get blind drunk, or potentially sick. Megamind was not someone she wanted to embarrass herself in front of... She'd dressed up; she'd had her hair done specially. She was trying to impress him!
"BOK BOK BOK BOOOK~" Andi squawked, flapping her arms. "Chickeeeen!"
A waitress set down a platter with a bottle, and several small cups before leaving again with a smile. Roxanne wasted no time, filling herself a cup before holding it to her lips. "I am not a chicken..." She hissed. "How about you?"
Megamind and Wayne exchanged worried glances, and Andi poured her own cup, pressing it to her lips. "1."
"2..."
"3!" The both yelled, throwing their heads back and downing the drinks in one gulp.
Andi slammed her cup down, giggling uncontrollably. "WOOOO! That stuff is STRONG!"
Roxanne twitched, feeling what felt like fire bubbling up in her chest before sliding down into her tummy. She shivered violently before putting her cup down with a shaky hand. "Y-Yeah, s-strong..." Fuck, that shit is NASTY...
"Ready for round two?" Andi filled their cups again, giving Roxanne a wink.
"Of course..!" The brunette sniffed haughtily, picking up her drink.
After several rounds, Roxanne's words were becoming noticeably slurred, and Andi's hair was starting to stick to her forehead; though she still seemed horrifyingly sober.
"OK, I think you've had enough..." Megamind eased Roxanne up off her chair. "I should get you back home." He ignored Wayne's amused expression. Not my home, jeez! Metro Perv...
"I'm... noteven d-drunk..!" She moaned, slinging and arm around his neck to steady herself.
"Of course you're not." He nodded, humouring her. "Uhh, we'll be off then." Megamind gestured to the drunken reporter sagging against him.
Wayne sniggered. "It was awesome catching up, we should do it again sometime!"
"Oh yes, of course..!" Why did I even say that? He steered Roxanne towards the front desk where he quickly paid and directed her out of the front door; but not before saving her from the clutches of a nearby coat rack first.
"Mmmm, just gonna rest my eyes..." The brunette slumped against the passenger seat as soon as Megamind opened her door. He rolled his eyes with a smile, repositioning her legs into a more comfortable pose before putting her seatbelt on.
He hadn't only been welding that morning, but also installing these buckled contraptions. In Megamind's eyes they were a little unnecessary considering his impeccable driving skill, but where Roxanne was concerned, he couldn't be too careful.
They got back to her apartment without incident, and Carlos laughed, opening the door for the blue man as he carried the snoozing reporter into the lobby. Megamind made his way to the elevator, thankful when it immediately pinged open. He gave the doorman a nervous smile before the doors slid shut.
Talk about an awkward day... He gazed down at the brunette in his arms; she was lightly snoring, and damn it if he wasn't daydreaming about waking up to that sound every morning.
Roxanne stirred, a hand scrambling around to find her handbag; said hand happened to be reaching down his torso, and he practically threw the reporter off him when her fingertips grazed his belt buckle. "Oh, awake I see..!" He said, setting her down on her feet.
"Y-Yeah..." She mumbled, stifling a yawn. The brunette wobbled slightly, falling against him. "Woops!" She said a little louder than was necessary. "Looks like I'm still a bit tipsy!"
"It would seem so." He subconsciously leaned away a little as she patted his chest. He would've suggested making her a coffee to sober her up a bit, but it was getting pretty late.
"Mmm..." She leaned all her weight against him, and he was now backed into a corner of the elevator. His eyes widened and he gulped nervously realising they still had another twenty floors to go. "Just lemme find my keys..." Roxanne's chin was resting on his shoulder as she rummaged through her handbag.
"Did you want help..?" He chanced.
"No no, I got this..." She finally got a hand on the keys, smirking triumphantly. "Ha ha!" She jingled them in his blue face, grinning. "I found theeeem!"
"Yes you diiiiiid!" He couldn't help grinning back; she was an adorable drunk. "I'd give you a gold star, but I'm afraid I'm all out..."
"Mmm, too bad. Guess it'll have to be a kiss, then?" He was about to retort when her lips crashed against his. Well, this was certainly not how he imagined the evening ending.
By the time the elevator eventually came to Roxanne's floor, both parties were simultaneously groping and tonguing each other. The door pinged open and they stumbled out, staggering along the hallway until they stopped by her door.
"J-Just a second..!" Roxanne panted, trying to fit her key in the lock as Megamind's lips trailed kisses down her neck. "There!" The door swung open and she grabbed his shirt yanking him inside.
"Someone is eager..." He taunted with a waggle of his eyebrows. The reporter closed the door, and stood with her back to it giving him a hopeful glance.
He could never resist that face... His lips found hers again as his hands shot out to either side of her, trapping her beneath him. Roxanne's arms slid around his neck, anchoring him against her. She'd never seen him like this; he'd been so shy the last time she'd kissed him.
The reporter pulled back, desperate for air. "W-Wow... You kiss really good..." Her heart quickened when she saw him bite his lip, flashing her a predatory grin. Shit, that was hot.
"Noted..." He whispered, nuzzling her neck. Her hand was back on his belt buckle, except this time it wasn't by accident. He took both of her wrists pinning them against the wall; one of this knees shot out between her legs, and he pulled back arching an eyebrow. "Now now, I think it's time you went to bed..."
Roxanne huffed, grinding suddenly against his knee. He wouldn't be able to feel her wetness through the layers, but surely he'd notice the heat...
The alien's eyes widened. Shit. He'd really taken it too far, hadn't he? He'd only meant to get her back for all the years of teasing him; even if she didn't know she'd been doing it at the time. But now the tables were turned, and she was the winner again. How did this keep happening?
The delicate arms around his neck pulled him closer, and she bumped foreheads with him. "P-Please stay..." She was begging him now; he'd always wanted her to beg, hadn't he?
He pulled back slightly; this was wrong. He couldn't take advantage of her like this. If she'd been a little tipsy it might not have been an issue, but the reporter was way past that. He couldn't. He had to leave.
"Come now." He swiftly picked her up, throwing her over his shoulder kidnap-style as he ascended the narrow spiral staircase to her bedroom. By they time they got to her room, she was half asleep again; Megamind carefully put her down, setting her on the bed.
Her arms came up to grab him, and he ended up on top of her. "Pleeeaaase staaaay?" Jesus Christ, did the woman have no shame? Megamind quickly disentangled himself from her, backing away a few steps.
"Miss Ritchi." She perked up upon hearing him address her so formally. "It's time you went to sleep." Roxanne nodded glumly, kicking her shoes off before slumping against her pillows. Megamind gingerly slid the bedsheets out from under her, and laid them over the reporter. "Sweet dreams~"
"Hate you..."
"I know..." He grinned. Maybe he had won this time, after all?
Megamind was back at not-so-evil-lair when his cell phone rang; he'd decided to purchase one immediately after Roxanne had agreed to their first date. The calling card she'd given him that day was still hanging in his idea cloud, and not a day did he pass by it without smiling stupidly to himself.
He looked at the screen curiously; it was only displaying a number, if it were Roxanne calling from her cell, surely her name would be coming up..? He narrowed his eyes, flipping the phone open before holding it to his ear.
"Ollo? Ollo..? Who is this..? Ollo? I can hear you breathing whoever you are... You're beginning to test my patience. I know there's someone there..! Right, that's it, I'm hanging up."
"No, don't hang up!" Shit...
Roxanne had not fallen asleep after he'd left, quite the contrary. In her inebriated state, she'd found it nigh-on impossible to successfully attain an orgasm. She'd put some candles on, she'd got one of her 'toys' out, and still she was sat here frustrated. His voice; that was what she needed to hear...
"Roxanne..? Is that you, Roxanne? Are you alright?" She seemed to be making strange noises. "Are you in any pain?"
Roxanne squirmed against her bullet, her lower lip clenched between her teeth; it was so good to hear his voice. Had she ever told him how sexy his voice was..? No, not now. Eyes on the prize, Roxie...
"Do you want me to come over? I'll come over, Roxanne!" Oh god, if something had happened to her because he'd been too chicken to stay, he'd never forgive himself!
Holy shit, did he even know what he was doing to her right now? Roxanne's eyes began to roll backward, and she panted grabbing the bedsheets with one hand.
"Do you want me to come? I'll come. I'll come..!" It was at that point that the reporter let out an ear splitting scream. "Roxanne? My god, what's happened?"
The reporter in question simply lay there for several moments, catching her breath. There was a faint ringing in her ears, and she squirmed as a few little 'aftershocks' tickled her nerves.
"R-Roxanne..?" He was most definitely in panic-mode, now. And what was that strange mechanical whirring in the background?
"Mmm, sorry I just stubbed my toe... On the fridge..!" She quickly added.
Megamind sighed in relief. Thank god, she was OK. "Listen to me," He looked quickly at his wristwatch, "there's still going to be some alcohol in your system. Don't go trying to make yourself a sandwich or anything; I don't care how hungry you might be!" Drunk Roxanne with knives was not something he wanted to think about...
What on Earth..? "OK?"
"Promise me, Roxanne." He said sternly.
"I promise!"
"Good. Goodnight, then."
"Nighty niiiight~" She grinned before flipping her phone shut.
"Sir..?" Minion turned to his ward who was now pacing through the lair.
"What, Minion?" He looked up with wide worried eyes.
"Sir, were you on the phone just now?"
"Indeed I was Minion. Roxanne was only making milkshakes at one in the morning! I swear..." He hugged his arms nervously. What if she had crossed her fingers when she'd promised..?
"Milkshakes, sir..?"
"Yes! It was the strangest thing!" Megamind ran over to his minion, grabbing both sides of his bowl. "She phoned me up out of nowhere. I didn't even know it was her; she must've used the house phone..." That was why her name hadn't come up; it all made sense now.
"And..?" Minion arched his brow.
"And... She was just breathing!" Minion's eyes widened a little. "I thought she was hyperventilating, had fallen down the stairs or-" He didn't even want to finish that thought. "I said I'd come, Minion, and it seemed to panic her even more!" He began pacing again, and it was all Minion could do to stop himself bursting out in laughter. How could his master be so naïve?
"Sir... Are you sure that's what happened?"
"Positive! She said she stubbed toe and everything!"
"I thought you said she was making milkshakes..?"
"Yes, well... I assumed; there was a strange buzzing in the background." At this point Minion clapped both metallic hands over his 'face' laughing loudly. "What? What's so funny?" He yelled indignantly.
"Oh sir..." Megamind was on the tips of this toes now, grabbing either side of his bowl. "You said she was a little... overeager when you left, right?"
"That is correct Minion, what's you're point?"
"Well... I'd like to congratulate you!" Megamind cocked an eyebrow, completely confused. "On your first sexual phonecall!" He sniggered watching his master's expression as comprehension slowly dawned.
"M-My... OH GOD!" He leapt back, hugging himself with a look of utter horror. "S-She was... I was..?" Minion nodded. "OH GOD!"
He looked down at his crotch; not even half way to hard; he really had gotten the shitty end of the deal here. It was then that something else became clear.
The bitch had won!
Oh, that was fun... I hope you all liked it? 5 more embarrassing installments are to come!
Title: 6 Steps To Woo Roxanne Ritchi
Author: lasersandspikes
Word Count: 6,898
Rating: NC-17
Summary: The last time we saw our favourite couple, Roxanne had finally agreed to dinner with our favourite big headed genius. Prepare yourselves for six embarrassing dates...
Roxanne waltzed through the holographic wall to the lair; she never usually surprised people, but today the reporter was feeling rather pleased with herself. She made her way through the building and toward a faint hissing sound. Getting closer the noise loudened into a roar, until she found herself standing in front of the not-so-invisible car.
She gave it a skeptical look before walking around to the other side; the door was open, and she realised now what this noise was. Megamind was sat in nothing but a pair of tight black shorts and a welding mask, fixing something in the internal space of the dashboard with a blowtorch.
He was completely oblivious, and the death metal music blaring from the car's speakers only helped disguise the reporter's approaching footsteps even more. Roxanne bit her lip before pulling it into her mouth and sucking slightly. He looked good. In fact, he looked better than good; Megamind looked good enough to eat.
A bead of sweat rolled down his chest past his belly button, and the reporter stifled a moan. Roxanne quickly got a hold of her senses and turned around, about to retreat when a loud snap indicated that the car door had slammed shut.
Shit.
She turned around sheepishly, and the driver's side window rolled down a fraction revealing a pair of startled green eyes. "R-Roxanne..?"
"Hey..!" She gave him a nervous smile. This had been such a bad idea...
"I... Must have lost track of time..." The small amount of his face she could see looked regretful. "Dinner was at 8, right..?" He stammered. They'd confirmed the time before he'd left her apartment a few days ago.
"No, no!" She waved her arms back and forth. "I'm early! I... I thought I'd swing by, and just... Surprise you!" Such a stupid idea in retrospect; what was she thinking?
"Oh..." He slumped slightly, relieved that he hadn't kept her waiting; when it came to a project, it was very easy for him to lose track of time.
"Yeah. So... Did you wanna come on out of there..?" She leaned in, smiling through the crack in the window.
Megamind's eyes widened again. "Oh... Yes! Yes... Umm..." He was practically naked, and there were no clothes in the car. "Could you turn around..?"
Roxanne smiled knowingly and put her hands over her eyes before spinning around. "I won't peek~" I already got a nice eyeful, anyway...
Megamind sighed with relief, and shimmied out of the passenger side; just in case. He kept sneaking glances at the reporter, but she remained turned away. Skipping across the lair, and into his bedroom he snapped the door shut quickly and simply leaned against it, trying to get his giant head around the situation at hand.
She must've seen him. He looked down to the small black shorts and felt his face burn again; they left nothing to the imagination. He groaned running his hands over his face before traipsing across the room and into the large walk-in wardrobe.
Megamind reentered the main part of the lair and stopped dead in his tracks when he noticed what was happening. Minion and Roxanne were both giggling at a very familiar book; the photo album. All the breath seemed to leave his lungs, and the rubber body suit suddenly felt too warm, too tight! He needed to get out of here...
He was about to run back to the bedroom when Roxanne piped up. "Oh, you're back! Come here!" She beckoned him, smiling.
Perfect... He shyly trotted over, begging the blood in his face to drain away. "Minion. The photo album. You shouldn't have..." He cast the fish a withering glare, and Minion retreated to the back of his bowl, his fins hanging limply by his sides.
Roxanne turned the book around and pointed to one of the pictures; he was only a toddler in the warden's arms. Minion could be seen in a glass sphere in the baby's hands.
"You were the cutest! Seriously, if you'd shown the city your baby pictures, they'd have been eating out of the palm of your hand." She giggled, waving the book at him. "This here is a weapon of mass destruction."
Cute. She thought he was cute..? Well, had been. "T-Thank you..." Oh god, this was awkward. It used to be so simple, just talking to her - bantering with her. Why was it suddenly so difficult? It was becoming impossible just to string a coherent sentence together.
"You gonna wear that?" She smiled, pointing at his usual spiked gloves and shoulder guards. His eyes widened again, and Roxanne wished she'd kept her mouth shut. She remembered how she'd reassured him about his 'theatrical' wardrobe, and now what was she doing? Making him second guess himself? "It's just hot out, are you gonna be OK in all that leather?" Phew, that was close.
"Oh..." He looked himself up and down. "That is a very good point. Just a moment..!" He ran off again, and Roxanne giggled, watching his cape vanish behind a nearby wall. Minion gave her a knowing smirk, and she flipped the photo album open again.
"Ha, you were so tiny, Minion! And your eyes were so huge! Adorable..." She smiled warmly.
The henchfish's face made the piscean equivalent of a blush, and his fins flapped bashfully. "Oh, Miss Ritchi-"
"Roxanne."
"Oh..." It would certainly be weird calling her that. "OK, Roxanne." Yes, that sounded even weirder now that he said it.
The reporter grinned, flipping the pages of the album until she got to the pictures of a slightly older blue child. He was such an adorable little kid; so vulnerable looking, and hopeful. He was still like that in some ways; he was more naïve than any adult she'd ever encountered, it was amazing really. She would've understood if his past had jaded him, but it hadn't.
"He looks so much like his dad, y'know?" Minion chimed in.
"R-Really?" She turned to look at the fish, forgetting all about the book.
"Oh, yes. If he grew a full beard, he'd be a carbon copy..." Minion mused, smiling. "But his eyes are different. His dad's were like an amber colour; he got him mom's instead."
Roxanne felt a wave of sadness at his words. His parents. "Wait, how do you know that..?"
"Sir was cognizant at a very early age. He was 8 days old when we got sent off the planet in a pod. I think he even remembers his birth..." Minion pulled a face. "I was fully aware when I woke up for the first time." He pointed to the antennae sticking out of the top of his body. "His parents made me so that he wouldn't be alone."
Roxanne felt her heartstrings being violently tugged. She looked back down at the book, staring into those hopeful little green eyes, but not for long as Megamind rounded the corner. In a suit.
"W-Wow..!" If she'd been a cartoon, Roxanne would've needed to pick her jaw up off the floor. He wore a crisp white shirt under a stunning black waistcoat; the sleeves were rolled up, showing off his forearms, and the reporter was thankful that he'd decided not to wear a jacket.
His trousers were perfectly pressed, and those shoes, were they winklepickers..? Roxanne's eyes travelled back up to his tie; black and blue alternating diagonal stripes. "You look great." He did.
"Hehe, thanks..." He turned away shyly as she looked him over. He felt so tiny, so exposed without all the costumes and armour. Megamind watched as Minion got up and made his way to the kitchen, grinning. And now he was alone with Roxanne again. The nerve of that fish, leaving him here to squirm like this; like a worm on a hook! It was Minion's purpose to look after him, how could he do this?
They were going to have a serious chat when he got home...
"So..." Roxanne grinned, shuffling a foot back and forth. "We've still got an hour or so before dinner..?" She chanced hopefully.
"Coffee..?" She nodded enthusiastically with a smile, and his insides did somersaults. "Coffee it is... Uh, this way..." He held out an arm, leading her towards the kitchen. Once they were in, Minion turned on his mechanical feet and left. Asshole... At least he made the coffee. Megamind tried not to grumble; he could feel his face trying to twist into a brattish expression and stopped it.
"Does that have full fat cream in it?" The reporter queried as Megamind handed her a cup.
Shit. "I... Uhhm..." Crap! Of course she was conscious of her weight; she had a gorgeous, perfect figure, she'd never jeopardise that!
"I'm kidding!" Roxanne grinned. God, he was too easy sometimes. "How do you think I got a butt this big, huh?" She tapped her rear with her free hand. "One word; creamcakes!"
Her butt..? IT'S A TRAP! Wait, was she giving him permission to look at her butt now..? Oh god, I'd like your cream your cakes... Wait, was that even a thing, or was he just delirious at the thought of her ass? Nice and round... I bet it's soft... Roxanne gave him a questioning look, and he realised he must've been zoned out for some time.
"Icanmakecakes." He suddenly blurted out, averting his gaze from her full hips. "Imeanifyouwantedto..?" Megamind hugged his arms self consciously. You can't bake cakes! His inner voice berated. You can't even make TOAST!
Baking? With Megamind? Roxanne felt a dopey smile tug at her lips just thinking about it. "Yeah, that'd be nice..." She bit her lip.
The blue man's eyebrows shot up. Congratulations; you just shot yourself in the foot, dumbass... "Hehehe... O-OK..." He could feel a warmth threatening his cheeks, and cursed his exotic colouration. He was going to look like some kind of fluorescent eggplant at this rate.
Megamind opened the fridge in a vain attempt to look like he knew what he was doing when he spotted them; a massive batch of pecan muffins. He peeled a sticky note off the plate.
DEAR SIR, I MADE THESE THIS MORNING, I HOPE YOU AND MISS RITCHI ENJOY THEM! P.S; FEEL FREE TO TAKE CREDIT, I KNOW HOW MUCH YOU WANT TO IMPRESS HER! ;)
That fantastic fish... How could he ever have doubted him?
"Oh, would you look at that..." He grabbed the plate with one hand, scrunching up the sticky note with the other. "I totally forgot that I made these this morning~"
Roxanne grinned, he was such an idiot... A cute idiot, though. "Oh, that's a shame..." She pointed to the pecans on top of the frosting, trying to contain her laughter. "Nut allergy..."
Megamind paled, setting the plate down and brought his hands up to grasp her shoulders. "I'm s-so sorry, I should have thought..." This was too easy. Teasing Megamind, there was no sport in it; she felt like a fox hunting a three legged, deaf rabbit. It just wasn't fair.
"I'm kidding!" Roxanne smiled nervously. Megamind turned away from her, and she could swear she heard a sniffle. Oh no... She brought her hands to her face, shaking her head. I made him cry... I am such a bitch, I made him cry! "M-Megamind..?" The reporter reached out to place a hand on his shoulder, and he spun around clutching his sides.
"Oh, Roxanne... You're just too easy!" There was no trace of sadness in his features, only pure amusement. "You should see your face!" He sniggered.
Roxanne's shoulder's dropped slightly as she let out a breath. "Meanie..." She poked him playfully in the chest, and motioned towards the cakes with her head. "Minion made those, didn't he?"
"Yup."
"You can't even cook, can you..?" She grinned.
"Nope." Megamind looked off to one side, glowing a faint purple.
"I knew it!" She picked up one of the muffins, taking a large bite. "Mother of god... These are amazing!" She took another bite, savouring it. "Wow... H-How are you not fat?"
"Ah, well... Alien?" He smiled shyly. How did she keep forgetting that? She always treated him like a normal guy, and it was astounding. "Different metabolic rate; I won't bore you with the details..."
"Oh, you know I love it when you bore me with details, Megamind~"
He felt the back of his neck, and his ears prickle as the blood rushed to them. "Is that so..?" He hugged his arms again as she gave him a sultry grin. "Hehe..."
Roxanne smirked; he looked so cute and vulnerable without all the costumes and bravado. The reporter forced herself to stop looking at his arms; all that blue skin, there was so much of it. And his hands. Had she even seen his bare hands before..?
Megamind sipped his own coffee nervously; he blanched realising Minion hadn't put enough sugar in. Walking over to the sugar bowl, he abandoned the spoon and just held it above his cup, pouring until at least half the cup must've been pure glucose.
He stirred it for a few moments before registering the reporter's expression. "What..?"
"Do you have like... false teeth or something? There's no way you can't have cavities when you have that much sugar..!" She remembered the first time she'd 'surprised' him with a visit, how he'd put spoon after spoon of the sweet stuff into his coffee, without even pausing to taste test it. After the eighth spoon, she'd practically given up trying to reason with herself.
"Well... Alien physiology pops up again here..!" He took a large sip before setting the mug down on the kitchen counter. "In humans, teeth can make moderate repairs to the enamel using the minerals in saliva." Yeah, because spit is sooo hot... He paused, gauging her reaction, but she looked completely enthralled. "The mineral ratio for me is much higher so... I just don't get cavities..."
"Wow..." She took a step closer, giving him a playful smirk. "Really..?"
"You can always check-" He clamped his mouth shut before the more perverted side of his brain could take over again. Roxanne burst out laughing, and he relaxed slightly; she hadn't hit him, this was progress, right..?
"You're so cute..." She giggled, looking away shyly. Roxanne, shy? He'd never seen that look on her face before; was she blushing..?
"Hey, I'm a weapon of mass destruction~" He grinned. "What do you expect?" She started giggling again, and he felt another flutter of nerves in his belly. It was intoxicating, her laughter; he'd gone without it for years and years, and now it was like he couldn't survive without it.
"Oh..!" Her eyebrows rose when she checked her watch. "We should probably get going... the restaurant's on the other side of the city..."
"I will have you know, I was a speed racer in a previous life. We'll get there with time to spare, I guarantee it."
Roxanne smirked, finishing off her coffee; damn this stuff was good. So strong, and sweet, and creamy all at the same time. She regretted always turning down Minion's offer of a beverage back when they'd kidnapped her. Kidnapped... It was so strange to think that wouldn't be happening anymore. Strange, and almost sad.
"Come, Miss Ritchi, your carry-ahge awaits!" He placed a hand on the small of her back and steered her out of the kitchen. Roxanne felt her cheeks warming up from that small amount of contact; so innocent, but it was enough to make her feel like a giddy schoolgirl all over again.
"Jeez, you'd think they'd never seen a blue alien before..!" Megamind joked, as they made their way through the restaurant.
"Well, you do have your gun strapped to your leg, mister. Maybe that's why they're staring?" Roxanne turned to him, smirking.
"A precaution, I assure you my dear. You never know when I'll have to defend your honour."
"My honour..?" Her grin suddenly slipped when she noticed another couple walking towards them. "Ohhh no..."
"What..?" Megamind piped up, looking over her shoulder. "Ah... Wanna make a run for it?"
Roxanne sniggered, putting a hand over her mouth. "Oh, that's tempting... I think they've spotted us, though."
"So?" He shrugged.
"Oh, hush you! You're terrible... AAAANDI!" She put on a fake smile shaking the other woman's hand. "How lovely to see you, both!"
Megamind had to resist the urge to roll his eyes; Mrs. Morality telling an outright lie... Wayne clapped a hand on the blue man's back that would've sent him tumbling over the dinner table if he hadn't braced himself beforehand.
"Heeey... It's you!" He plastered on a fake grin; his eyes met with Roxanne's, and they both shared a look that said running had in fact been a good option. "Well, this isn't at all awkward!" He might has well have been the first to say it.
"No, not at all." Wayne grabbed Megamind's shoulders, steering him towards one of the dinner tables, and sat opposite him. "But now it is!" He grinned. Roxanne and Andi took that as their queue to join them.
The reporter picked up her menu, hiding behind it. "Nice going!" She hissed.
Megamind picked up his own, doing the same. "I said we could've run!" He whispered back.
"Guys!" Wayne put a hand on both of their menus, tilting them down. "Super hearing!" He chuckled. Megamind and Roxanne both seemed to sink in their seats, mumbling their apologies.
Roxanne flipped her menu back up; crap. Everything was in Chinese. This was such a swanky place, she didn't want to look like an idiot by asking the staff.
The waiter came by their table. "I'll just have the most expensive thing on the menu." Wayne said, handing it to the man. Megamind suddenly snorted loudly; the former hero gave him a questioning look.
"N-Nothing..!" Roxanne lifted her menu, and gave him a quick glance. He raised his own, mouthing the words, 'Just wait...' The reporter's natural curiosity was killing her, but if Megamind said to wait, she'd just have to wait.
Andi ordered her own food, and the waiter turned to Megamind, who began speaking animatedly in Mandarin. Everyone else just looked on in surprise as the ex villain seemed to joke fluently with the other man. The waiter left, still laughing, and Roxanne turned to Megamind.
"What the hell was that..?" She then realised. "Wait, he didn't even take my order..!"
"I ordered for you."
"Y-You did?" Megamind nodded. "Oh..."
"Oh how thoughtful; Roxanne, wasn't that thoughtful?" Andi grabbed her hand from over the table, smiling.
"Uhm, yes..!" Roxanne tried not to roll her eyes; it was obvious Andi was trying to play matchmaker here. It was the same as that time back in the kitchen at Wayne's.
"Y'know, he's pretty hot for a blue guy..."
"W-What..? I... I guess, he's rather handsome..." Roxanne conceded.
"Rather is right! You know he totally wants you!"
"WHAT? Oh, don't be so silly..."
"I can see it in his eyes!" Andi made a crass thrusting gesture with her hips. "He wants to bang youuuu!"
"Ugh! That's insane!" She sighed. "Anyway, I'm not blue, so, he probably doesn't even find me attractive. I'm just some chubby peach girl who gets on his nerves."
"Oh, honey... You don't seriously think that, do you?" Andi's expression softened.
"I dunno..." Roxanne folded her arms, trying not to pout.
"But he's not human, and you still think he's hot-"
"I said handsome!"
"OK, OK! So, you think he's handsome... Why can't it go both ways?"
That actually made a lot of sense. "Hmm..."
Roxanne looked up, noticing a plate of stuffed vine leaves, and dim sum being placed in front of her. How on Earth had he known what she liked? She turned to look at him. "How'd you know..?"
He shrugged with a smirk. "I'm thoughtful." Roxanne found it impossible to hold back the smile that was spreading across her face; she could see Andi grinning out of the corner of her eye, but ignored it. She'd mentioned how these two dishes in particular were her absolute favourite when she'd been asked to take part in KMCP 8's morning cooking show. He must've been watching. It'd been years, but he'd still remembered.
One of the waitresses placed Wayne's food in front of him, and Megamind had to resist the urge to piss himself laughing. Roxanne noticed him shaking from barely contained laughter, and looked at the other man's plate. The waitress left, and Wayne allowed his polite demeanour to fade. "What the hell is this..?"
Megamind brought a fist to his mouth, giggling. "B-Braised f-fish heads..!" He erupted into laughter, and Roxanne soon followed. "Oh, lighten up! Think of it as a cute story you can tell your children."
Wayne poked one of the glazed eyes that was staring back at him with his fork. "Ugh... There's nothing funny about this..."
"Oh I don't know... Karmic justice can be pretty hilarious..." The blue man scoffed.
"Karma, oh god, grow up kid..." Wayne shook his head with a condescending smirk.
"I'm 18 minutes older than you, and YOU KNOW IT!"
"Ladies, ladies! Handbags down!" Andi laughed, slapping her fiancee on the back. Both men huffed in agreement. "Wonderful... Roxanne? I'm just gonna go 'powder my nose'!" She raised her eyebrows, and the reporter took at as her signal to leave the table too.
"Oh, yeah, right behind you!" She got up quickly, rushing to keep up with the redhead.
"Perfect..." Megamind huffed.
"Oh, c'mon buddy." The former hero's expression softened. He was only messing with the guy after all.
"Don't 'c'mon buddy' me!" He spat back. "Tonight was supposed to be..." Special... "It doesn't matter."
"No no, I gotcha." He gave the smaller man a wry smile. "She really likes you."
"Who..?" Megamind's eyes went wide before Wayne gave him a deadpan expression. "Oh, right, her."
"Your date."
"My... Date... Oh, jeez..." He held his giant head in his hands. "Why is being normal so difficult?"
"What's being normal got to do with anything? If you hadn't noticed, I'm not exactly normal myself."
"Yeah, but you 'pass' for normal; it's different!" Wayne rolled his eyes. "It is!"
"Look, it's perfectly normal for dates to be nerve wracking. Trust me, I know." Megamind raised an eyebrow, and the larger man sighed. "Do you think I just met Andi and it all worked out? I was freaking out for months, not knowing what the hell I was doing. You're supposed to be freaking out. That's normal."
"I see..." He folded his arms, trying to look nonchalant. "How did you two meet, anyway?"
Wayne's eyes glazed over, and a sappy grin tugged at his lips. "I was responding to a bank robbery; armed gunmen, hostages, the usual." Megamind nodded. "She was one of the tellers; didn't take shit I can tell you! She had this guy in a headlock when I got there; it was so hot..."
Megamind's eyes widened. "Riiight..." Not that he couldn't appreciate a woman with attitude, Roxanne had plenty of that, just not in the loud brash way that Andi did. He wasn't about to say that of course; he didn't have a death wish! "So, she just fell into your arms and-"
"Oh no! Nope. She did not want anything to do with me. At all. Called me a jumped up boyscout."
"Seriously?"
"Yep. I couldn't get her out of my head; I just kept popping up in her life like 'Hey, I was just passing by, and thought you looked familiar!', or 'Oh hey, fancy seeing you here!'... She went from flat out hating me to a cool indifference, so I knew I was close!"
"Some people would call that harassment..."
"Yeah, I'll admit I was a little overeager at times."
"You think..?"
"Alright, alright, I was an ass. But sometimes you can't help acting stupid when you're around someone you really like."
"Hmm..." Megamind had to admit, most of his career had been spent acting especially stupid around Roxanne. He'd crushed on her for years, but never acted upon it because of the man sitting in front of him; and they'd never been an item in the first place! What a supreme waste of time. Or was it?
He'd learnt so much about her; her favourite foods, places, colour. It was blue. A blush threatened his cheeks, and he swallowed thickly.
"Yo, Bubsy!" Megamind's head snapped up. "Haha, you zoned out there for a bit, buddy." The blue man's face was steadily becoming a warm shade of violet. "I know that look..."
"Shh!" He hissed, flapping one of his hands as the girls approached the table again. Wayne smirked; this was just too easy.
"Back again~" Andi hollered, taking her seat next to the larger man. "Noses powdered!" Roxanne sat down quickly, and they all began tucking into their food, though Wayne merely stared at his in disgust for the most part.
Roxanne giggled. Watching Megamind trying to eat noodles was adorable; trying really was the operative word here. He was skilled at working with intricate tools, and fiddly mechanisms, but chopsticks simply eluded him. There was a point where one of them flicked out of his grip, and collided with the back of a man's head several tables over.
Andi caught the reporter's attention with a little gesture toward her face, and then nodded quickly in Megamind's direction. Roxanne looked sideways, and almost burst out laughing; he had a bit of sauce on his chin, and she picked up her napkin, taking a hold of his pointed face.
His eyes widened as he felt a manicured hand grasp his chin, steering him to look into a pair of bright blue eyes. She dabbed at his face with a napkin, and his eyebrows rose in surprise; she was so cute... looking after him. Just like a good little wife-
Where the hell had that come from?
There was a sudden flash, followed by two consecutive zaps of blue light as Megamind drew his de-gun, dehydrating both the paparazzi and his camera. Roxanne hadn't even registered what was happening until two cubes clattered to the floor.
"W-What just-"
"Honour." He smirked, twirling his gun on one finger.
Andi burst out laughing. "Psh, serves him right, parasite!" She'd been on the receiving end of those kind of people ever since Wayne had attended that huge press conference, and wasn't too fond of these so-called 'photographers'.
Wayne chuckled as a few of the waiters crowded round, deciding to take advantage of the opportunity. "Hey, let's get the booze flowing!"
The redhead nodded enthusiastically. "Yes! Bring on the Baijiu!" She started clapping, and the waiters left quickly to chase up their drinks.
"Baijiu..?" Roxanne cocked an eyebrow.
Megamind chuckled, looking at the reporter. "It's pure gasoline..." He gestured towards his glass of water. "Have fun, I'm driving." Thank goodness... He thought. That shit's like antifreeze!
"Is it really that strong..?" The brunette was suddenly feeling a bit apprehensive. She didn't want to get blind drunk, or potentially sick. Megamind was not someone she wanted to embarrass herself in front of... She'd dressed up; she'd had her hair done specially. She was trying to impress him!
"BOK BOK BOK BOOOK~" Andi squawked, flapping her arms. "Chickeeeen!"
A waitress set down a platter with a bottle, and several small cups before leaving again with a smile. Roxanne wasted no time, filling herself a cup before holding it to her lips. "I am not a chicken..." She hissed. "How about you?"
Megamind and Wayne exchanged worried glances, and Andi poured her own cup, pressing it to her lips. "1."
"2..."
"3!" The both yelled, throwing their heads back and downing the drinks in one gulp.
Andi slammed her cup down, giggling uncontrollably. "WOOOO! That stuff is STRONG!"
Roxanne twitched, feeling what felt like fire bubbling up in her chest before sliding down into her tummy. She shivered violently before putting her cup down with a shaky hand. "Y-Yeah, s-strong..." Fuck, that shit is NASTY...
"Ready for round two?" Andi filled their cups again, giving Roxanne a wink.
"Of course..!" The brunette sniffed haughtily, picking up her drink.
After several rounds, Roxanne's words were becoming noticeably slurred, and Andi's hair was starting to stick to her forehead; though she still seemed horrifyingly sober.
"OK, I think you've had enough..." Megamind eased Roxanne up off her chair. "I should get you back home." He ignored Wayne's amused expression. Not my home, jeez! Metro Perv...
"I'm... noteven d-drunk..!" She moaned, slinging and arm around his neck to steady herself.
"Of course you're not." He nodded, humouring her. "Uhh, we'll be off then." Megamind gestured to the drunken reporter sagging against him.
Wayne sniggered. "It was awesome catching up, we should do it again sometime!"
"Oh yes, of course..!" Why did I even say that? He steered Roxanne towards the front desk where he quickly paid and directed her out of the front door; but not before saving her from the clutches of a nearby coat rack first.
"Mmmm, just gonna rest my eyes..." The brunette slumped against the passenger seat as soon as Megamind opened her door. He rolled his eyes with a smile, repositioning her legs into a more comfortable pose before putting her seatbelt on.
He hadn't only been welding that morning, but also installing these buckled contraptions. In Megamind's eyes they were a little unnecessary considering his impeccable driving skill, but where Roxanne was concerned, he couldn't be too careful.
They got back to her apartment without incident, and Carlos laughed, opening the door for the blue man as he carried the snoozing reporter into the lobby. Megamind made his way to the elevator, thankful when it immediately pinged open. He gave the doorman a nervous smile before the doors slid shut.
Talk about an awkward day... He gazed down at the brunette in his arms; she was lightly snoring, and damn it if he wasn't daydreaming about waking up to that sound every morning.
Roxanne stirred, a hand scrambling around to find her handbag; said hand happened to be reaching down his torso, and he practically threw the reporter off him when her fingertips grazed his belt buckle. "Oh, awake I see..!" He said, setting her down on her feet.
"Y-Yeah..." She mumbled, stifling a yawn. The brunette wobbled slightly, falling against him. "Woops!" She said a little louder than was necessary. "Looks like I'm still a bit tipsy!"
"It would seem so." He subconsciously leaned away a little as she patted his chest. He would've suggested making her a coffee to sober her up a bit, but it was getting pretty late.
"Mmm..." She leaned all her weight against him, and he was now backed into a corner of the elevator. His eyes widened and he gulped nervously realising they still had another twenty floors to go. "Just lemme find my keys..." Roxanne's chin was resting on his shoulder as she rummaged through her handbag.
"Did you want help..?" He chanced.
"No no, I got this..." She finally got a hand on the keys, smirking triumphantly. "Ha ha!" She jingled them in his blue face, grinning. "I found theeeem!"
"Yes you diiiiiid!" He couldn't help grinning back; she was an adorable drunk. "I'd give you a gold star, but I'm afraid I'm all out..."
"Mmm, too bad. Guess it'll have to be a kiss, then?" He was about to retort when her lips crashed against his. Well, this was certainly not how he imagined the evening ending.
By the time the elevator eventually came to Roxanne's floor, both parties were simultaneously groping and tonguing each other. The door pinged open and they stumbled out, staggering along the hallway until they stopped by her door.
"J-Just a second..!" Roxanne panted, trying to fit her key in the lock as Megamind's lips trailed kisses down her neck. "There!" The door swung open and she grabbed his shirt yanking him inside.
"Someone is eager..." He taunted with a waggle of his eyebrows. The reporter closed the door, and stood with her back to it giving him a hopeful glance.
He could never resist that face... His lips found hers again as his hands shot out to either side of her, trapping her beneath him. Roxanne's arms slid around his neck, anchoring him against her. She'd never seen him like this; he'd been so shy the last time she'd kissed him.
The reporter pulled back, desperate for air. "W-Wow... You kiss really good..." Her heart quickened when she saw him bite his lip, flashing her a predatory grin. Shit, that was hot.
"Noted..." He whispered, nuzzling her neck. Her hand was back on his belt buckle, except this time it wasn't by accident. He took both of her wrists pinning them against the wall; one of this knees shot out between her legs, and he pulled back arching an eyebrow. "Now now, I think it's time you went to bed..."
Roxanne huffed, grinding suddenly against his knee. He wouldn't be able to feel her wetness through the layers, but surely he'd notice the heat...
The alien's eyes widened. Shit. He'd really taken it too far, hadn't he? He'd only meant to get her back for all the years of teasing him; even if she didn't know she'd been doing it at the time. But now the tables were turned, and she was the winner again. How did this keep happening?
The delicate arms around his neck pulled him closer, and she bumped foreheads with him. "P-Please stay..." She was begging him now; he'd always wanted her to beg, hadn't he?
He pulled back slightly; this was wrong. He couldn't take advantage of her like this. If she'd been a little tipsy it might not have been an issue, but the reporter was way past that. He couldn't. He had to leave.
"Come now." He swiftly picked her up, throwing her over his shoulder kidnap-style as he ascended the narrow spiral staircase to her bedroom. By they time they got to her room, she was half asleep again; Megamind carefully put her down, setting her on the bed.
Her arms came up to grab him, and he ended up on top of her. "Pleeeaaase staaaay?" Jesus Christ, did the woman have no shame? Megamind quickly disentangled himself from her, backing away a few steps.
"Miss Ritchi." She perked up upon hearing him address her so formally. "It's time you went to sleep." Roxanne nodded glumly, kicking her shoes off before slumping against her pillows. Megamind gingerly slid the bedsheets out from under her, and laid them over the reporter. "Sweet dreams~"
"Hate you..."
"I know..." He grinned. Maybe he had won this time, after all?
Megamind was back at not-so-evil-lair when his cell phone rang; he'd decided to purchase one immediately after Roxanne had agreed to their first date. The calling card she'd given him that day was still hanging in his idea cloud, and not a day did he pass by it without smiling stupidly to himself.
He looked at the screen curiously; it was only displaying a number, if it were Roxanne calling from her cell, surely her name would be coming up..? He narrowed his eyes, flipping the phone open before holding it to his ear.
"Ollo? Ollo..? Who is this..? Ollo? I can hear you breathing whoever you are... You're beginning to test my patience. I know there's someone there..! Right, that's it, I'm hanging up."
"No, don't hang up!" Shit...
Roxanne had not fallen asleep after he'd left, quite the contrary. In her inebriated state, she'd found it nigh-on impossible to successfully attain an orgasm. She'd put some candles on, she'd got one of her 'toys' out, and still she was sat here frustrated. His voice; that was what she needed to hear...
"Roxanne..? Is that you, Roxanne? Are you alright?" She seemed to be making strange noises. "Are you in any pain?"
Roxanne squirmed against her bullet, her lower lip clenched between her teeth; it was so good to hear his voice. Had she ever told him how sexy his voice was..? No, not now. Eyes on the prize, Roxie...
"Do you want me to come over? I'll come over, Roxanne!" Oh god, if something had happened to her because he'd been too chicken to stay, he'd never forgive himself!
Holy shit, did he even know what he was doing to her right now? Roxanne's eyes began to roll backward, and she panted grabbing the bedsheets with one hand.
"Do you want me to come? I'll come. I'll come..!" It was at that point that the reporter let out an ear splitting scream. "Roxanne? My god, what's happened?"
The reporter in question simply lay there for several moments, catching her breath. There was a faint ringing in her ears, and she squirmed as a few little 'aftershocks' tickled her nerves.
"R-Roxanne..?" He was most definitely in panic-mode, now. And what was that strange mechanical whirring in the background?
"Mmm, sorry I just stubbed my toe... On the fridge..!" She quickly added.
Megamind sighed in relief. Thank god, she was OK. "Listen to me," He looked quickly at his wristwatch, "there's still going to be some alcohol in your system. Don't go trying to make yourself a sandwich or anything; I don't care how hungry you might be!" Drunk Roxanne with knives was not something he wanted to think about...
What on Earth..? "OK?"
"Promise me, Roxanne." He said sternly.
"I promise!"
"Good. Goodnight, then."
"Nighty niiiight~" She grinned before flipping her phone shut.
"Sir..?" Minion turned to his ward who was now pacing through the lair.
"What, Minion?" He looked up with wide worried eyes.
"Sir, were you on the phone just now?"
"Indeed I was Minion. Roxanne was only making milkshakes at one in the morning! I swear..." He hugged his arms nervously. What if she had crossed her fingers when she'd promised..?
"Milkshakes, sir..?"
"Yes! It was the strangest thing!" Megamind ran over to his minion, grabbing both sides of his bowl. "She phoned me up out of nowhere. I didn't even know it was her; she must've used the house phone..." That was why her name hadn't come up; it all made sense now.
"And..?" Minion arched his brow.
"And... She was just breathing!" Minion's eyes widened a little. "I thought she was hyperventilating, had fallen down the stairs or-" He didn't even want to finish that thought. "I said I'd come, Minion, and it seemed to panic her even more!" He began pacing again, and it was all Minion could do to stop himself bursting out in laughter. How could his master be so naïve?
"Sir... Are you sure that's what happened?"
"Positive! She said she stubbed toe and everything!"
"I thought you said she was making milkshakes..?"
"Yes, well... I assumed; there was a strange buzzing in the background." At this point Minion clapped both metallic hands over his 'face' laughing loudly. "What? What's so funny?" He yelled indignantly.
"Oh sir..." Megamind was on the tips of this toes now, grabbing either side of his bowl. "You said she was a little... overeager when you left, right?"
"That is correct Minion, what's you're point?"
"Well... I'd like to congratulate you!" Megamind cocked an eyebrow, completely confused. "On your first sexual phonecall!" He sniggered watching his master's expression as comprehension slowly dawned.
"M-My... OH GOD!" He leapt back, hugging himself with a look of utter horror. "S-She was... I was..?" Minion nodded. "OH GOD!"
He looked down at his crotch; not even half way to hard; he really had gotten the shitty end of the deal here. It was then that something else became clear.
The bitch had won!
Oh, that was fun... I hope you all liked it? 5 more embarrassing installments are to come!