update
haven't been blogging here for a substantial amt of time. and i've just slacked like thirty minutes away too looking at blogs doing goodness knows what. gah. oh well. hm anyway i feel odd blogging now. heh so blogging's no longer addictive! (= yay. okay im just rambling on... i don't make much sense, yeah i know i know. hmmm. and in fact i guess i won't update here too anymore. until end of eoys i guess.... totally stuck at my history \= gah.
you know, change. in essence it's something predictable, yet come to think of it, it's pretty much scary. how you can change so much in such a short period of time. and yes everyone's changing, whether we see it or not, be it subtle or drastic. as for me, well :$ let's not think abt it. darn, i'm forever living in this myownworld thing which sucks, bcos even though i can identify the underlying problem i usually sit arnd and procrastinate and not do anyth abt it. :$ which eventually makes the whole thing worse. yes apathy has been slowly growing and accumulating since the earlier half of this year, and perhaps, indifference even. i guess it's a good thing, not being able to feel and stuff. yet somehow very often you question. just how human are you to be so unemotional? of course then again i'm not the logical analytical kind of person (knowing how illogical im), emotions usually tend to get the better of me, yet now... it seems like i'm just living my life day by day, totally spaced out. with no direction or meaning whatsoever... but rather, it's like an obligation that i'd have to live it through. bcos inherently, no matter how tough it gets, i know i'd never be able to voluntarily take my life. it's just too... difficult. and yeah throw in irresponsible too, yes it won't be fair to leave the mess behind and others to pick the pieces up for you, just bcos you don't have the courage to face up to you. argh why am i preaching this to myself. when i don't see myself really believing it in anyway, darn, i'm secretly cowardly. hmph well that sure beats beaches who don't even possess a single strand of integrity huh.
eoys nearing. bio expectedly is driving me nuts. maths is going nowhere (PLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASE LET ME PASS OR I WILL I DONT KNOW I DONT WANT TO IMAGINE WHAT WILL HAPPEN). and oh, wellll. it's intensive mugging for the time being, at least.
got back our maths quiz today. ironically this's the only 10 i've gotten in the whole year. and it was on INDICES dammit. the chapter that really made me cry and totally screwed up math for me (not that it wasn't already but well...). damn what kind of omen is that. gosh, well at least i know this fluke will be over once we start on logarithms. \=
ha but it's interesting isn't it. how life revolves around these very ironies. and how it's so... bitterly beautiful, in a way. i guess that'd be where maktub really comes into play, after all, what'd come will come. and it's probably no use stressing yourself out over something that you've perpetually no control over anyway. bcos ultimately, your effort will go down the drain. and trust me, it seriously isn't really worth it dealing with all those in your face disappointments all the time. sigh, see, it's apathy at work again.
apparently to a lot of people, from close friends to weird teachers to friends' parents alike, i'm a perfectionist. then again, indifference and perfectionism are mutually exclusive. indifferent perfection? it's an oxymoron dammit. perfectionistic? then. my conscience aches, to think that i entertain thoughts of giving up so so so easily. that i don't even care about all those things that used to matter anymore. and no, it's not just about academics, it's about my life in general... yes, to the perfectionistic side of me, i call it acceptance. i call it acknowledging my inherent flaws. but deep down, i know that i'm just running away, and trying to hide behind all these pretense. coats of pretense overlapping over each other consecutively, as i try to pretend that this or that isn't true, trying to sink myself into the illusion that things would automatically get better with time. which of course, never materialises in all cases.
something someone said really struck me hard... why does it even remind me suspiciously of the truth now? maybe it's indeed the truth, and i freaking know that running away won't help matters, yet... it's like an inbuilt instinct now. \= reflex action? why.
schoolwork, cca, other commitments and everything else, i suck. so tell me, what's new.
dammit see, that's why i shouldn't blog. everytime i end up getting more and more depressed when i blog. darn.
you know, change. in essence it's something predictable, yet come to think of it, it's pretty much scary. how you can change so much in such a short period of time. and yes everyone's changing, whether we see it or not, be it subtle or drastic. as for me, well :$ let's not think abt it. darn, i'm forever living in this myownworld thing which sucks, bcos even though i can identify the underlying problem i usually sit arnd and procrastinate and not do anyth abt it. :$ which eventually makes the whole thing worse. yes apathy has been slowly growing and accumulating since the earlier half of this year, and perhaps, indifference even. i guess it's a good thing, not being able to feel and stuff. yet somehow very often you question. just how human are you to be so unemotional? of course then again i'm not the logical analytical kind of person (knowing how illogical im), emotions usually tend to get the better of me, yet now... it seems like i'm just living my life day by day, totally spaced out. with no direction or meaning whatsoever... but rather, it's like an obligation that i'd have to live it through. bcos inherently, no matter how tough it gets, i know i'd never be able to voluntarily take my life. it's just too... difficult. and yeah throw in irresponsible too, yes it won't be fair to leave the mess behind and others to pick the pieces up for you, just bcos you don't have the courage to face up to you. argh why am i preaching this to myself. when i don't see myself really believing it in anyway, darn, i'm secretly cowardly. hmph well that sure beats beaches who don't even possess a single strand of integrity huh.
eoys nearing. bio expectedly is driving me nuts. maths is going nowhere (PLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASE LET ME PASS OR I WILL I DONT KNOW I DONT WANT TO IMAGINE WHAT WILL HAPPEN). and oh, wellll. it's intensive mugging for the time being, at least.
got back our maths quiz today. ironically this's the only 10 i've gotten in the whole year. and it was on INDICES dammit. the chapter that really made me cry and totally screwed up math for me (not that it wasn't already but well...). damn what kind of omen is that. gosh, well at least i know this fluke will be over once we start on logarithms. \=
ha but it's interesting isn't it. how life revolves around these very ironies. and how it's so... bitterly beautiful, in a way. i guess that'd be where maktub really comes into play, after all, what'd come will come. and it's probably no use stressing yourself out over something that you've perpetually no control over anyway. bcos ultimately, your effort will go down the drain. and trust me, it seriously isn't really worth it dealing with all those in your face disappointments all the time. sigh, see, it's apathy at work again.
apparently to a lot of people, from close friends to weird teachers to friends' parents alike, i'm a perfectionist. then again, indifference and perfectionism are mutually exclusive. indifferent perfection? it's an oxymoron dammit. perfectionistic? then. my conscience aches, to think that i entertain thoughts of giving up so so so easily. that i don't even care about all those things that used to matter anymore. and no, it's not just about academics, it's about my life in general... yes, to the perfectionistic side of me, i call it acceptance. i call it acknowledging my inherent flaws. but deep down, i know that i'm just running away, and trying to hide behind all these pretense. coats of pretense overlapping over each other consecutively, as i try to pretend that this or that isn't true, trying to sink myself into the illusion that things would automatically get better with time. which of course, never materialises in all cases.
something someone said really struck me hard... why does it even remind me suspiciously of the truth now? maybe it's indeed the truth, and i freaking know that running away won't help matters, yet... it's like an inbuilt instinct now. \= reflex action? why.
schoolwork, cca, other commitments and everything else, i suck. so tell me, what's new.
dammit see, that's why i shouldn't blog. everytime i end up getting more and more depressed when i blog. darn.