this is for andy leach... everyone else has read it already.
HOMOSEXUALITY:
My philosophy about sexuality is that I don't have a problem with anything anyone does in any way. All I ask is that you know the rules. I've sucked the dicks of several men, which a lot of straight guys won't admit to having done or wanting to do. But just like kissing a girl can't get her pregnant, sucking a guy's dick doesn't make you gay (unless you break rule ..3.) It's not that I'm against being gay-I just want to clarify what makes you gay. Please note that this list only applies to guys: all women are by nature lesbians. So let's get things straight (no pun intended) - if you meet any of the qualifications below, you are gay.
1.) If you get someone else's sperm on you.
2.) If you've ever owned a Smiths album.
3.) If you get hard while sucking another guy's dick. If you don't, you're straight - unless he gets sperm on you.
4.) If Michael Stipe is in the room with you and you're having sex with a woman, you're bisexual.
5.) If you're in a gay bar, you're not gay. But if you're at a straight bar and you talk to a guy longer than you talk to a girl, you're gay.
6.) If you tap your feet to a Smiths song.
7.) If you discuss art for more than 45 minutes.
8.) If you've worn a beret.
9.) If you kiss a guy and he has a hard-on, you're not gay unless you have a hard-on too.
10.) If you have any kind of sex - with a male or a female - to the Smiths, you're gay.
11.) If your only purpose in life is to get girls pregnant so they can have more girls to have lesbian sex together.
12.) If you jack off and get cum on yourself.
13.) If you get a boner watching Gilligan's Island.
14.) If you don't get a boner watching Bewitched.
15.) If there's a Smiths song on in a bar and you're in the bathroom with your dick in your hand.
16.) If your name is Richard and you go by Dick.
17.) If you're friends with anyone named Dick.
18.) If you don't cheat on your wife, you're only using her as a prop to make people think that you're not gay.
19.) If you're friends with a model.
20.) If you fuck a girl who likes the Smiths.
21.) If you don't eat meat because the Smiths album Meat Is Murder had an impact on your life.
22.) If you do anything spiritual.
23.) If you fuck a pregnant woman and she's carrying a boy, you're gay. If you get sperm on the amniotic sac, the baby will grow up to be gay, too.
24.) If you've ever had a haircut like Morrissey.
25.) If you've ever had a haircut while Morrissey or the Smiths album was playing in the room.
26.) If you've ever talked about or owned a crystal - especially if it's crystal meth.
27.) If you've ever put Band-Aids on your nipples as a fashion statement.
28.) If you've ever spent more than a week at South Beach.
29.) If you're not thinking about tits right now.
30.) If you still liked Judas Priest after you heard the rumor that Rob Halford was gay.
31.) If you get a hard-on while taking a shit.
32.) If you know what sperm tastes like (especially if it's your own.)
33.) If you kiss a girl with tongue after she's swallowed your cum.
34.) If you get hard while reading this.
35.) If you know the names of anyone who's ever been in the Smiths besides Morrissey and Johnny Marr.
36.) If you're a male model.
37.) If you get choked up listening to "Boys Don't Cry" by the Cure.
38.) If you're a clothing designer.
39.) If your first, last, middle, or only name is Morrissey.
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CHEATING
Though we have a reputation as flagrant plunderers of all the free and expensive tits that come with being a rock star, the truth is that we have all been completely faithful to our girlfriends. I can honestly say that I have never cheated on my girlfriend. And that's because I play by the rules, which are listed below for your use and edification.
1.) You can squeeze fake tits because they're not actually real, so you're not cheating.
2.) If you don't remember their name it doesn't count.
3.) If you don't call them afterward it doesn't count.
4.) Blow jobs don't count - they're like handshakes and autographs.
5.) If you cuddle, you're cheating.
6.) If you are in a time zone that's ahead of the time zone your girlfriend is in, use the following equation to determine whether or not you've cheated: Let X be the time difference between the two countries and let Y be the number of hours that have elapsed since you slept with another woman. If you talk to your girlfriend and YX, you cheated.
7.) If you are in Europe, Canada, South America, or Japan, your marriage license is not valid. So you can sleep with anyone you want.
8.) If you fuck someone the night before seeing your girlfriend, it's okay because it's just practice to make sure you don't prematurely ejaculate with your girlfriend.
9.) If it was part of a public performance, it doesn't count.
10.) If you're doing it to help your career, it doesn't count. But if she thinks you can help her career, it's cheating.
11.) If it's someone's birthday, it doesn't count (especially if it's your own.)
12.) If the girl has a tattoo with your name on it, it's just common courtesy to have sex with her.
13.) If you have anal sex with someone else it doesn't count because it's not coitus (unless you're dating Morrissey.)
14.) If she has the same name as your girlfriend, it's not cheating - or the first letter of her name is the same. If neither of these apply, spritz her with your girlfriend's favorite scent before having sex and you're allright.
15.) If you tell them you respect them in the morning and mean it, you're gay.
My philosophy about sexuality is that I don't have a problem with anything anyone does in any way. All I ask is that you know the rules. I've sucked the dicks of several men, which a lot of straight guys won't admit to having done or wanting to do. But just like kissing a girl can't get her pregnant, sucking a guy's dick doesn't make you gay (unless you break rule ..3.) It's not that I'm against being gay-I just want to clarify what makes you gay. Please note that this list only applies to guys: all women are by nature lesbians. So let's get things straight (no pun intended) - if you meet any of the qualifications below, you are gay.
1.) If you get someone else's sperm on you.
2.) If you've ever owned a Smiths album.
3.) If you get hard while sucking another guy's dick. If you don't, you're straight - unless he gets sperm on you.
4.) If Michael Stipe is in the room with you and you're having sex with a woman, you're bisexual.
5.) If you're in a gay bar, you're not gay. But if you're at a straight bar and you talk to a guy longer than you talk to a girl, you're gay.
6.) If you tap your feet to a Smiths song.
7.) If you discuss art for more than 45 minutes.
8.) If you've worn a beret.
9.) If you kiss a guy and he has a hard-on, you're not gay unless you have a hard-on too.
10.) If you have any kind of sex - with a male or a female - to the Smiths, you're gay.
11.) If your only purpose in life is to get girls pregnant so they can have more girls to have lesbian sex together.
12.) If you jack off and get cum on yourself.
13.) If you get a boner watching Gilligan's Island.
14.) If you don't get a boner watching Bewitched.
15.) If there's a Smiths song on in a bar and you're in the bathroom with your dick in your hand.
16.) If your name is Richard and you go by Dick.
17.) If you're friends with anyone named Dick.
18.) If you don't cheat on your wife, you're only using her as a prop to make people think that you're not gay.
19.) If you're friends with a model.
20.) If you fuck a girl who likes the Smiths.
21.) If you don't eat meat because the Smiths album Meat Is Murder had an impact on your life.
22.) If you do anything spiritual.
23.) If you fuck a pregnant woman and she's carrying a boy, you're gay. If you get sperm on the amniotic sac, the baby will grow up to be gay, too.
24.) If you've ever had a haircut like Morrissey.
25.) If you've ever had a haircut while Morrissey or the Smiths album was playing in the room.
26.) If you've ever talked about or owned a crystal - especially if it's crystal meth.
27.) If you've ever put Band-Aids on your nipples as a fashion statement.
28.) If you've ever spent more than a week at South Beach.
29.) If you're not thinking about tits right now.
30.) If you still liked Judas Priest after you heard the rumor that Rob Halford was gay.
31.) If you get a hard-on while taking a shit.
32.) If you know what sperm tastes like (especially if it's your own.)
33.) If you kiss a girl with tongue after she's swallowed your cum.
34.) If you get hard while reading this.
35.) If you know the names of anyone who's ever been in the Smiths besides Morrissey and Johnny Marr.
36.) If you're a male model.
37.) If you get choked up listening to "Boys Don't Cry" by the Cure.
38.) If you're a clothing designer.
39.) If your first, last, middle, or only name is Morrissey.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
CHEATING
Though we have a reputation as flagrant plunderers of all the free and expensive tits that come with being a rock star, the truth is that we have all been completely faithful to our girlfriends. I can honestly say that I have never cheated on my girlfriend. And that's because I play by the rules, which are listed below for your use and edification.
1.) You can squeeze fake tits because they're not actually real, so you're not cheating.
2.) If you don't remember their name it doesn't count.
3.) If you don't call them afterward it doesn't count.
4.) Blow jobs don't count - they're like handshakes and autographs.
5.) If you cuddle, you're cheating.
6.) If you are in a time zone that's ahead of the time zone your girlfriend is in, use the following equation to determine whether or not you've cheated: Let X be the time difference between the two countries and let Y be the number of hours that have elapsed since you slept with another woman. If you talk to your girlfriend and YX, you cheated.
7.) If you are in Europe, Canada, South America, or Japan, your marriage license is not valid. So you can sleep with anyone you want.
8.) If you fuck someone the night before seeing your girlfriend, it's okay because it's just practice to make sure you don't prematurely ejaculate with your girlfriend.
9.) If it was part of a public performance, it doesn't count.
10.) If you're doing it to help your career, it doesn't count. But if she thinks you can help her career, it's cheating.
11.) If it's someone's birthday, it doesn't count (especially if it's your own.)
12.) If the girl has a tattoo with your name on it, it's just common courtesy to have sex with her.
13.) If you have anal sex with someone else it doesn't count because it's not coitus (unless you're dating Morrissey.)
14.) If she has the same name as your girlfriend, it's not cheating - or the first letter of her name is the same. If neither of these apply, spritz her with your girlfriend's favorite scent before having sex and you're allright.
15.) If you tell them you respect them in the morning and mean it, you're gay.