Jeez.
I... I don't know what to say anymore. Am I not allowed to post personal feelings about someone in my LJ? I realize that I've been coming off as a bad person, and I... I'm sorry. I really am. I would like to clear up a something, please.
I did not make my posts about giving away the Death Note board game files to harrass anyone, especially the ( Read more... )
I did not make my posts about giving away the Death Note board game files to harrass anyone, especially the ( Read more... )
However, I also want you to know that, whether you intended to cheer Meg up or not, comparing me to Azula hurt. We've never professed to knowing each other very intimately, of course, but I would have thought that you'd recognize that comparing me to a character who's baselessly murderous and ends-up the series practically foaming at the mouth and thrashing like an animal in chains is fundamentally wrong. I'm not mad at you for it, and I'm not trying to guilt you or accuse you of anything by saying this, but I just wanted you to know that I felt that way. You're still someone that I consider a friend, even if we don't chat very often since school let out, and I want you to know the absolute truth about what I'm thinking and feeling in situations like these.
As far as Meg apologizing? I believe that she should. I gave her apologies en masse when I got back from Otakon and found that she had been so hurt by my going without her, and I had every intention of making it up to her. However, after the long months of harassment and bad-talking, of permanent banning and suspensions, of attempts to sell our joint creation without my consent and publicly posted dissertations about how I wronged her in settings as simple and silly as a Death Note livejournal community, I'm not interested in being her friend any longer.
I firmly believe that she owes my friends and I some heart-felt apologies and a future of blissful silence and mutual avoidance. She has turned on me so thoroughly as a friend that I will never, ever be willing to trust her with my back again.
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I've got no opinion (none that I'm even going to try to voice on the internet, anyway) on who and what and all that. I didn't know anything about a DN lj com, and I think it's just gotten to the point where everyone's hurt and angry, and, well...yeah, it's not getting better. (Gah, this whole thing feels like a parental divorce.) I think it's been tiny things developing madly, and that you're both equally hurt and angry with each other and...yeah.
I do apologise for comparing you to Azula. That was a bit harsh. We don't talk much, so I just see your journals. I didn't even see much of your side of the incident, just a lot of anger, that, from what I knew of it, seemed really disproportionate (and may well have not been). So I just saw a lot of vitriol, justified or not, towards a person who I knew was more hurt and upset than vicious (I think you said something about her deliberately trying to hurt your reputation, which didn't make sense). And truthfully--it scared me. A lot. That a falling out so big could happen over something so small, and how angry you were...it scared me.
And then I saw the annoyed post about Dana, and I wondered if Dana was going to do something that would annoy you enough for the same reaction, and I remembered (this is so lame, but it's what came to mind) the way you just quit F!S because of falling out, and it almost seemed like the same thing, and at this point I know I'm not making sense but it's the best I can do over the freaking internet, but at any rate...
I hate this. I hate watching it. I hate seeing it and remembering, and seeing things that remind me of the whole gang of us and realising that I'm close to tears when I'm looking at something stupid, or when I remember a Dorm Quote, or whatever. And I thought I'd gotten over it, or at least forgotten it, but it's back up again, so...
It was a bad idea. The board game, I mean, with all the bad blood between you two. But I can understand Meg's point of view on at least wanting to distribute it (I don't think the talk of selling it was something given serious, "in-the-near-future" though); it awful to see something that the pair of you worked so hard on--and it really was a work of sheer genius--get buried so it will never see the light of day again. I get why. It doesn't change the fact that it sucks.
I'm still a little shell-shocked over the whole thing, watching from a distance as I am, because I've never seen a friendship like y'all's fall apart so completely.
But I am sorry for what I said about you. There's a lot involved from both of you that I don't agree with (but I'd hope friends don't really always have to agree with each others actions), but you're adults, and I can't handle this the way I would with my sibs. So.
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The thing is, you don't need to be uncomfortable about voicing your opinion on stuff like this, not by ANY stretch, and I can see from your explanation here that you're genuinely upset about all of this because we were all friends. I know that it kind of doesn't cone across very well in comments, primarily because I'm trying my best to present a unified front here, but- I'm really, really sad these days. Literally lay in bed all day degrees of sad over this. Case in point: I haven't actually left my bedroom yet today for any reason, and it's nearly 4:40pm as I type this.
The thing about complaining on my LJ about Dana was just the usual venting, though, I PROMISE you. We kind of gotten on one-another's last nerves since moving in together, and she's still mad at me for snapping at her over AWA weekend 'I told her to stop telling me what to do when she started scolding me for getting to my Artist Alley table late. As it turns out, some customers had come looking for me and been snotty to her, and she had gotten mad at me for not being there to deal with my snotty prospective customers myself. She was entirely valid so far as venting at me when I got to the table- I just happened to be in a stressed mood as well, and a bit at my wit's end so far as misunderstandings about who can tell who what to do and stuff like that. She's still a bit mad at me, I'm sure, but I've been talking to her and we're by no means no longer friends so please don't worry about that, okay? It was just venting in private and a personal misunderstanding, nothing NEAR a break in the friendship.
I'm not making much sense I guess, and I'm just writing another dissertation here, but I want you to know that I absolutely understand what you're saying. I've found myself feeling awkward whenever I say 'My friend Meg' these days because, really, I CAN'T say that anymore, and I have our Dorm Quotes saved on my laptop desktop here still and drawings she's done saved in my folders, and every time I flip through my sketchbook and see doodles that I've done of her characters or notes that she's scrawled to me, I can't even describe anymore what it's making me feel.
I really, REALLY wish that we could all just get back to how we were when we were dorm mates, because that was honestly a WONDERFUL time for all of us, I think. I've never felt so comfortable and happy in such a living situation, and really: we had the best. It's just that - and I'm sorry you have to slog through that link that I gave you to see it, but - I think that what gets me is how quickly and thoroughly Meg came to stop believing in me after all of the years we'd been friends. I thought that she knew me better, is all, and I thought that she thought more highly of my feelings than that. I hated that I hurt her feelings about not bringing her to Otakon, absolutely HATED it, and I suppose that I was just really, really shocked that she was behaving as if she were owed an eye for an eye rather than all of the friendship and penance and apologetic expressions I was already trying to give her.
I'm gonna' stop rambling now. Just please don't be sad, okay? You've been off in England having an awesome time of it, and I don't want to contribute any more to your being down than I already have. Intentionally or not, I should NEVER have let you go so far out of the loop that you had such cause for worry, and I'm SO sorry for that.
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