Words from the past
A few days after Cody broke up with me, I saw his production of The Pillowman.
It made me really angry and sad, so I opened up Notepad and just started writing.
I saved it, and forgot about it. As I was looking for a friend's Wii code today, I stumbled upon it.
How interesting it is to look back and see the parallels of heartbroken Jeff with heartbroken Cody (The Guy in Life/Play).
you dont like shane
you like me
shane doesn't like physical interaction
i cuddle you
i kiss you
i like you -- I could easily love you
I participate in your life
I make you happy
I believe in marriage, in kids - I want them
i'm fuckin cuter
I want to be with you
You want to be with me
You left him and I was the catalyst
What happened to that?
I thought you wanted to be with me
I kno wyou want to be with me
You may have some residual feelings for him
I'm not quite sure what they are
I hope they fade away
Or at least I hope you see that your feelings for me are better
It's not fair
I can't compare to 5 years of knowing someone
Give me more time and you'll see in the end I'm the one you want
I finally have you and it's only for a month
I hold back for so long
and what? Now that you can really have me you don't want me anymore?
You just want what you cant have? Is that it?
That doesn't seem right.
I'm 15 minutes away. Let me hold you. Let me be with you.
When you got with Jason, I was able to convince you to be with me.
It wasn't hard, but that's because it was Jason.
But I was still able to be with you while you tried yourself with him.
You're not officially back with Shane yet
I want to be with you for as long as I can
It's not the age thing is it? Is it always? I don't think it is.
It was a hard choice for you. I wonder what it would have been like had shane known you were DATING me.
I was a secret. I knew that was a bad thing. Go figure it'd bite me in the butt.
I hope this thing with shane blows over and you come back to me -- begging.
I have these silly words popping through my head because you're now the thing I cant have. I mean, the words
were sort of there before, but they're not true. "I love you" I definitely like you a lot, but
I dont know you well enough, i haven't been with you long enough to truely love. I'm infatuated
but my head is contorted by the notion of love. It's the romantic love. So, it keeps saying
"but I love you" and then is quickly followed with "I like you -- *like* you"
But I want to --wanted to love you. These words are all extreme. As if by saying them
it would convince you that I'm worth it, that you want to be with me.
I don't know Shane -- your Gus. If I did know him that doens't meant that this would be better for me.
But maybe I'd understand more. Chances are, I'd understand less. I'd just find more faults to jabber
on about and forget that you loved him for five years.
But as of right now, I dont see how you can love someone but not be physically with him -- He didn't
even like to cuddle. I mean ugh! How can he let such a prize lke you go to waste?!
"goodnight my jeffers" awww godamnit. Goodnight, my cody. My cody. My jeffers. Not yours if you go for shane.
Just come and sleep in my arms. Just hold me. Let me rest my head on your chest.
We can bequiet. I can be warm on you.
I can be with you. You with me.
You can like me again. Me especially. AndI can like you. and I can make you happy
I wanted to make you happy. I wanted to paint you two picturtes for hristmas.
For your apartment. I wanted to get you In Character: Actors Actings. Good book.
I looked at it in Barnes and Noble. I can't do that now.
But that doesn't matter. My brief crutch. My current crush. My old source of comfort.
Figure out your love fast. Get your feelings out. Figure yourself out. Find out you want me.
Ha! Now that you're gone, I'm going to get nipple rings and tattoos and other things. I'm going to shave my back all prickly like
I'm going to
I'm going to.
I'm going to wish I were with you. I'm going to miss you. I'm going to wish you were with me
Going to wish I had the upper hand
going to wish I had what I thought I did only a couple weeks ago
Lucky shane. Lucky shane.
When I hang out with you next, can I ug you hello? When we watch the movie
do I sit on the other side of the couch? Can I lay in your lap? I want to. But I
know that's innappropriate. But I want it. I want ot be close to you.
You joke about blowjobs. Joking. We cant do anything sexual. It wouldn't be right.
But that's okay. It's not even what I really want.
I said I'm not blind or selfish, but will be. I want what I want. It's mine. I demand I have you.
I demand you continue your good friendship with shane and that you continue your courtship with me.
I dont like the thought of you stopping caring about me. I don't want to drift away. I don't want you
to go like all my other boyfriends. They all left. The friendship didn't even remain, and that
wasn't my choosing.
I want you to completely understand what I feel. I want you to know these things. I want you to
be able to read this, but I know you cannot read this. This has to stay with me, in me.
I don't know what to tell you, Cody. I don't know how to convince you that we should be together.
Usually when guys break up with me, I can look at them and see all the bad things, but I cant see
them in you. You're not perfect, but you're really great to me.
Each day that goes by and the more final this breakup is, the worse I am getting.
I saw you tonight, and you were that sexy man that was briefly mine.
I want to tell you -- i want to convince you why I should be yours. I want to. I need to talk to you
in person. I need to see you face to face. I need to get everything out and off my chest again.
I know it'll be a repeat to you, but I want to know it all. I need to know it all. I want you
so badly. So badly. It's the worst tonight.
Shane must be a wonderful man. He wasn't at the play, though!!! I was. Oh, cody.
Tell me why you love him. You grew apart!! You told me that! You are two different people now.
You and I work well together. AAAhhHHHHh!!!!!!!!! I crave for you.
Goodnight.
-----------
I hurt more this morning. It's hard to accept that we won't be together. You like me! You like me a lot! You chose Shane over me. I lost.
Why don't you choose me? Do I have a chance of having you after this all?
I can offer you everything he can
It made me really angry and sad, so I opened up Notepad and just started writing.
I saved it, and forgot about it. As I was looking for a friend's Wii code today, I stumbled upon it.
How interesting it is to look back and see the parallels of heartbroken Jeff with heartbroken Cody (The Guy in Life/Play).
you dont like shane
you like me
shane doesn't like physical interaction
i cuddle you
i kiss you
i like you -- I could easily love you
I participate in your life
I make you happy
I believe in marriage, in kids - I want them
i'm fuckin cuter
I want to be with you
You want to be with me
You left him and I was the catalyst
What happened to that?
I thought you wanted to be with me
I kno wyou want to be with me
You may have some residual feelings for him
I'm not quite sure what they are
I hope they fade away
Or at least I hope you see that your feelings for me are better
It's not fair
I can't compare to 5 years of knowing someone
Give me more time and you'll see in the end I'm the one you want
I finally have you and it's only for a month
I hold back for so long
and what? Now that you can really have me you don't want me anymore?
You just want what you cant have? Is that it?
That doesn't seem right.
I'm 15 minutes away. Let me hold you. Let me be with you.
When you got with Jason, I was able to convince you to be with me.
It wasn't hard, but that's because it was Jason.
But I was still able to be with you while you tried yourself with him.
You're not officially back with Shane yet
I want to be with you for as long as I can
It's not the age thing is it? Is it always? I don't think it is.
It was a hard choice for you. I wonder what it would have been like had shane known you were DATING me.
I was a secret. I knew that was a bad thing. Go figure it'd bite me in the butt.
I hope this thing with shane blows over and you come back to me -- begging.
I have these silly words popping through my head because you're now the thing I cant have. I mean, the words
were sort of there before, but they're not true. "I love you" I definitely like you a lot, but
I dont know you well enough, i haven't been with you long enough to truely love. I'm infatuated
but my head is contorted by the notion of love. It's the romantic love. So, it keeps saying
"but I love you" and then is quickly followed with "I like you -- *like* you"
But I want to --wanted to love you. These words are all extreme. As if by saying them
it would convince you that I'm worth it, that you want to be with me.
I don't know Shane -- your Gus. If I did know him that doens't meant that this would be better for me.
But maybe I'd understand more. Chances are, I'd understand less. I'd just find more faults to jabber
on about and forget that you loved him for five years.
But as of right now, I dont see how you can love someone but not be physically with him -- He didn't
even like to cuddle. I mean ugh! How can he let such a prize lke you go to waste?!
"goodnight my jeffers" awww godamnit. Goodnight, my cody. My cody. My jeffers. Not yours if you go for shane.
Just come and sleep in my arms. Just hold me. Let me rest my head on your chest.
We can bequiet. I can be warm on you.
I can be with you. You with me.
You can like me again. Me especially. AndI can like you. and I can make you happy
I wanted to make you happy. I wanted to paint you two picturtes for hristmas.
For your apartment. I wanted to get you In Character: Actors Actings. Good book.
I looked at it in Barnes and Noble. I can't do that now.
But that doesn't matter. My brief crutch. My current crush. My old source of comfort.
Figure out your love fast. Get your feelings out. Figure yourself out. Find out you want me.
Ha! Now that you're gone, I'm going to get nipple rings and tattoos and other things. I'm going to shave my back all prickly like
I'm going to
I'm going to.
I'm going to wish I were with you. I'm going to miss you. I'm going to wish you were with me
Going to wish I had the upper hand
going to wish I had what I thought I did only a couple weeks ago
Lucky shane. Lucky shane.
When I hang out with you next, can I ug you hello? When we watch the movie
do I sit on the other side of the couch? Can I lay in your lap? I want to. But I
know that's innappropriate. But I want it. I want ot be close to you.
You joke about blowjobs. Joking. We cant do anything sexual. It wouldn't be right.
But that's okay. It's not even what I really want.
I said I'm not blind or selfish, but will be. I want what I want. It's mine. I demand I have you.
I demand you continue your good friendship with shane and that you continue your courtship with me.
I dont like the thought of you stopping caring about me. I don't want to drift away. I don't want you
to go like all my other boyfriends. They all left. The friendship didn't even remain, and that
wasn't my choosing.
I want you to completely understand what I feel. I want you to know these things. I want you to
be able to read this, but I know you cannot read this. This has to stay with me, in me.
I don't know what to tell you, Cody. I don't know how to convince you that we should be together.
Usually when guys break up with me, I can look at them and see all the bad things, but I cant see
them in you. You're not perfect, but you're really great to me.
Each day that goes by and the more final this breakup is, the worse I am getting.
I saw you tonight, and you were that sexy man that was briefly mine.
I want to tell you -- i want to convince you why I should be yours. I want to. I need to talk to you
in person. I need to see you face to face. I need to get everything out and off my chest again.
I know it'll be a repeat to you, but I want to know it all. I need to know it all. I want you
so badly. So badly. It's the worst tonight.
Shane must be a wonderful man. He wasn't at the play, though!!! I was. Oh, cody.
Tell me why you love him. You grew apart!! You told me that! You are two different people now.
You and I work well together. AAAhhHHHHh!!!!!!!!! I crave for you.
Goodnight.
-----------
I hurt more this morning. It's hard to accept that we won't be together. You like me! You like me a lot! You chose Shane over me. I lost.
Why don't you choose me? Do I have a chance of having you after this all?
I can offer you everything he can